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Church Murder Bird Poop

bz panel 08-28-14bz strip 08-28-14bz panel 08-29-14bz strip 08-29-14bz panel 08-30-14bz strip 08-30-14Bizarro is brought to you today by The Glamorous World of Taxis.

I’ve done a few Batman cartoons wherein I riff on the animal choices for he and Robin’s alter-egos. This suggestion, however, came from my good friend and colleague in cartooning, Dan McConnell. (I’ve asked Dan to double all of the consonants in his first and last name, but he resists.) You can see his original suggestion for this comic here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I thought this was a fun way to comment on the recent phenomenon of people being on their smart phones all of the time instead of being present. I was happy to find a way to do it without showing a lot of people on smart phones.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is mounting evidence that birds have better memories than we have given them credit for. I have no doubt they recognize “easy marks” from past experiences. I used to feed a flock of pigeons on the roof of my building in Manhattan years ago and a couple of them would recognize me on the very crowded streets of my neighborhood (9 stories below) and pester me for food.

 

 

 

 

 

 

BIZARRO BASEMENT: Here’s a weird cartoon of mine from 1998. It’s one of those that isn’t immediately apparent until closer inspection. At least, that was my intent.bz980810 WEB

 

Reap Hat Wig

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Bizarro is brought to you today by But What’s the Red Pipe For?

When the Grim Reaper comes a reaping at your door, will he be able to speak to you without a larynx? Can he sneeze without lungs, a mouth, or sinus cavities? Can you knock him down an run since he has no muscles to hold him up? For that matter, how does he hold up that heavy scythe?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This next cartoon is about how certain public officials have funny hats. What does their hat-hair look like at the end of the day? When I had an afro in high school, I briefly worked at an old-fashioned ice cream parlor and had to wear one of those straw boater hats and a hairnet. The walk home after work was only a block but I was terrified someone would see me either wearing that stupid hat or the ludicrous shape of a flat disk that my afro would maintain until I washed my hair. Oh, the pain of adolescence.

 

 

 

 

 

bz 09-08-99 TOUPEEwebBIZARRO BASEMENT: And now, from 1999, is another person with a hair issue.

Dummy Ashes Jowl Reading

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Bizarro is brought to you today by Grandpa Spent Too Much Time Alone in the Basement.

 

After all these years I still enjoy coming up with a new angle on one of the traditional cartoon cliches. I started with the idea of a ventriloquist’s dummy begging and then my lovely and enchanting girlfriend, Olive Oyl, and I riffed for a bit before coming up with the right line for his sign. I can’t believe this idea hasn’t been done before but I couldn’t find one on the Truthernet, so I did it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

To head off a few of the emails and comments I will get asking me what this second gag means, it doesn’t mean anything. It’s just that I thought it would be funny to have a discount crematorium that gives you the ashes in a bag instead of an urn or whatever. Personally, I’d like to be buried (without a coffin or embalming) in a garden to fertilize the plants, but I hear that’s illegal. The strip version of this cartoon has a couple of extra stores which are worth checking out. Click on it to see a bigger image.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My good buddy and fellow NCS member, Dan McConnell came up with this iFace gag. I thought it was both amusing and a valuable cautionary tale. To check out more of his wacky shenanigans and monkeyshines, check out his FB page.

 

 

 

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BIZARCHAEOLOGY: This cartoon from 1997 was written and drawn before I lived in NYC, but after a visit there. There are a lot of odd advertisements above the seats on NYC subways, but this isn’t one of them, as far as I know.

BBQ and Death

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Bizarro is brought to you today by Cross-dressing in the 19th Century.

Even though Jazz Pickles tend to be smarter than the average rabble, not all of us are good at punctuation, spelling, and grammar. But surely you can see how the comma in the expression on the apron at left changes everything. By the way, if you are blissfully unaware of idiotic meme products, “Kiss the Cook” has long been a standard saying on novelty aprons. Although, once 89 million of them have sold, they are anything but a novelty.

I’m going to send this cartoon to my daughter, Krapuzar, who is a professional languagy person. She owns and operates ProofNinja.com, where you can have anything you’ve written improved for just pennies. Try it out, it will make you look smarter in writing. She likes to post amusing grammar and spelling stuff on ProofNinja’s FB page, the logo and cover photo for which was designed by yours, truly. (Yes, that last comma belongs there but is rarely used.)

 

Our next cartoon is a funny bit of parent/child interaction from the Reapers. It is the result of a collaboration between myself and my friend and colleague, Dan McConnell. We call each other the “other Dan.” Seems logical to us. Here’s more of his damn stuff.

As an added bit of mild interest today, here is the strip version of the Kiss cartoon, which I had to publish sideways to make the joke legible in newspapers. I’ve done this only a handful of times before. bz strip 02-08-14

 

 

 

 

 

Three to Five Smiles

bz panel 01-20-14 bz panel 01-21-14 bz panel 01-22-14Bizarro is brought to you today by The Power of Three.

Since it is Wednesday and I have not yet posted any cartoons this week, you get three. Hooray, wunderbar, groovy.

 

 

1. If your cholesterol and weight are high your doctor may say he’d like to “get your numbers down.” But this patient is an ancient Roman so he uses the word “numerals” instead. That is supposed to be the joke. What happens next is the doctor is cleaved in half by a sword and his head is displayed on a pike in the town square. I didn’t include that in the gag because it’s gross.

 

 

 

2. A good friend of mine didn’t get this joke at first because he thought the dog at right was too good to be a doodle. Maybe he has a point, I don’t know. Because I can draw good, perhaps my attempt at a regular non-drawing person’s doodle is too well. You be the judge. This gag was a collaboration with my known associate, Wayno of Pittsburgh. Here’s what he had to said about it.

(Note to grammar nazis: the errors in the previous paragraph are intentional because I sometimes find it amusing to talk this way.)

 

 

 

 

 

3. My last cartoon in today’s post is an idea by my good friend and cartoon colleague, Dan McConnell. He has a smutty mind, so naturally this cartoon is about pornography. The truth is that in societies where women are completely covered all the time, a glimpse of an ankle is, indeed, sexually arousing. Which means that in our current society where nothing is hidden, nothing is arousing. Damn.  Dan McConnell hangs out here.

 

 

PAZZ JICKLES: Since we’ve been chatting about covered women, here are a couple of burka gags I’ve done in the past. Though mandatory burka-wearing is not funny, I think these cartoons are.Bz 01-16-09 burka sneezeWEB bz Burqa Photo Op WEB

Ancient T & A

bz panel 01-10-14bz strip 01-10-14Bizarro is brought to you today by Budget House of Ill Repute.

I love the risque simplicity of this gag and I’m a little surprised that it wasn’t rejected for its sexual content. It always amazes me that Americans are so much more sensitive to nudity and sex than they are to violence. A TV program can show a woman getting beaten to death with a porcelain sink but they can’t show a loving couple with their shirts off. Astounding.

The idea for this gem came from my bueno amigo, Dan McConnell, a cartoonist and illustrator in his own right. He assures me, however, that he has never surfed the Interwebs for naked ladies, he’s only heard about it. I, however, cannot make that same claim.  See more of Dan McConnell’s work here.

I confess that when I was drawing this cartoon, I really, really, really wanted to use Thel and Jeffy from Family Circus as the characters in the museum. I’m sure Jeff Keane would have gotten a kick out of it, but in the end I decided it was a little too disrespectful to his father, the late, great Bil Keane, who was a personal friend of mine and just about everybody’s in the National Cartoonists Society. So just use your imagination for an extra giggle.

PREHISTARROS: Today’s cartoon from the Dead Sea Scrolls dates all the way back to 1998 or 9 or something. This modern interpretation of the Venus de Milo was born out of the very confusion I experience over the American fear of sex and nudity that I described above. For my foreign readers who have not memorized every city in the U.S., Wichita is a town in the middle of Kansas, which is in the middle of the U.S.bz 03-16-98 venusWEB

Various Approaches

bz panel 12-16-13bz strip 12-16-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Ginger Bread House.

 

 

My old buddy, Dan McConnell has been thinking about fish again and in so doing, came up with this gag idea for me. One can’t help feeling sorry for the poor, struggling fish who has been flushed out of the tank, until one realizes it is not a real fish at all, but a drawing made to look like a fish. This is just part of the magic of cartooning.bz panel 12-17-13bz strip 12-17-13

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My second cartoon today is a collaboration with my pal, Cliff Harris, the King of Wordplay. Here, as is often the case with Cliff, he is playing with words. For those readers not sufficiently familiar with English to decipher the joke, “preposition” and “proposition” are similar words that mean completely different things. In the grammar world, we call these Soundsimilarisms. bz panel 12-18-13bz strip 12-18-13

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My third cartoon, today’s, in fact, finds my known associate,Wayno of Pittsburgh, playing with the classic cartoon canonical cliche of a “fly in the soup.” But wait, what’s this? It isn’t a fly at all! Wayno always has clever things to say about our collaborations so go here and see if he disappoints on this one. My guess is he doesn’t.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

REZARRO: My moldy corpse from the archive heap today is from ’08, before many of you reading on your smartphones were even born. I humbly admit that I still love this gag. It was directly inspired by the famous Miss Teen USA contestant and her regrettable answer to a supremely difficult question back in 2007. See the short video here.

Feel sorry for her here.bz 04-10-08TexasCapitolWEB

Catchup

bz panel 12-02-13bz strip 12-02-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Where’s the Baby?

I’ve been remiss lately in keeping my blog completely current so I’m going to do some catching up today.

This gag about a hair salon reminds me of the hair salon my mother went to in the 70s, when I was a teenager. She loved her hairdresser, Phillip, and thought he was just the funniest, coolest guy; so easy to talk to. She couldn’t believe that a good-looking man with such a great personality had never been married, even though he was in his early forties.

I know you see the punchline coming, but this was the early 70s and homosexuality was not yet discussed publicly. There weren’t any TV shows with gay characters, very few mainstream movies made any reference to it (and the few that did were considered “adult”) so my mother understandably had no “gay-dar” whatsoever. As far as she knew, she’d never even met a homosexual, which she had been raised to believe was an unholy, deviant lifestyle chosen by perverts. Anyway, she convinced me to let Phillip cut my hair so I went. She was right; he was good looking, witty, charming, cool, mid-forties, had a male roommate, and went by “Phillip” instead of “Phil.” My own rudimentary, inexperienced gaydar was off the charts.

When I got home I mentioned to my mom that Phillip wasn’t married because he was gay. She totally cooked her wig over this horrible accusation and so I dropped it. But here’s the real moral to the story: I was wrong. He was actually Moses, which is why my mother’s bright, red hair was always parted boldly down the middle. And that’s a totally true story. Except for the Moses part and the color of my mom’s hair.bz panel 12-03-13bz strip 12-03-13

 

Which brings us to this cartoon about a typical big game hunter who is full of the trademark arrogance of our species. Most of you Jazz Pickles know how I feel about the premise that everything in the universe exists for us, the spoiled brats of a magic, invisible super hero in the sky, to use and abuse at our slightest whim. The point of this cartoon, for me, is that if you’re killing things and cutting their heads off for your wall, what difference does it really make where you find them?

None of the animals in this gag were injured (or even inconvenienced) in the making of this cartoon, which was the idea of my friend and colleague, Dan McConnell. bz panel 12-04-13

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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This caveman cartoon is about my unnatural love (sarcasm) for contest shows where average Americans jump around, squeal, and gyrate onstage in hopes of impressing a panel of celebrity judges. If there were a planet where TV had none of this kind of thing, I would go there, even if I had to walk.

 

 

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Here now are a couple of cartoons I’ve neglected to post on the blog recently, mostly because I’ve been in a foreign prison and only just escaped. (By “foreign prison” I mean that I’ve been too busy or lazy to keep up my usual, unrelenting work pace lately.)

 

The first one features a pit bull, which I believe to be a completely safe breed unless taught to be vicious by humans, a completely unsafe breed.bz panel 11-16-13

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And then there are these clowns.

 

Cuckoo Time

bz panel 11-20-13Bizarro is brought to you today by The Perfect Hangover Snack.

Well, now. This is a weird little gag about a cuckoo clock that sees a shrink. I can only imagine the sort of twisted mind that would arrive at this scenario, and it belongs to my good buddy and cartoony colleague, Dan McConnell. Seriously, what is wrong with that guy?

Again, I present no strip version today because it provides no new information. There are one or two later this week for which I will provide the strip version, however, so you fans of horizontal formats, keep tuned.

 

 

 

VINTAGE JAZZ: Today’s archival crustacean is from 1988 and also features an odd situation at a doctor’s office. When I was a kid, I was intrigued by the hand puppet thing and used to draw them on my own hand regularly. This was how I practiced my now legendary ventriloquism skills. Bz HandPuppetDoctor

Flathead Funnies

bz panel 10-28-13bz strip 10-28-13bz panel 10-29-13bz strip 10-29-13Bizarro is brought to yourself today by Albert Frank Einstein.

Since I’m behind on the blog this week, this is another omnibus posting. Sorry about that, JPs.

It’s Halloween week here in Southern California so I’m using gags about scary monsters that I’ve been saving all year. My buddy, Dan McConnell thinks up a lot of monster gags so he may be disproportionately represented this week. Oh! Here’s one now; Frankenstein shoe shopping. McC may have gotten this idea from a gay Halloween parade, which are the best kinds of Halloween parades there are, in my heterosexual opinion.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This vampire cartoon another one of my comments on the growing obesity problem in America. I just visited Oklahoma last week and I swear, you could fit all of the people there who are not 25% overweight (including children!) in a minivan. It’s insane. And it’s not about carbs, people, it’s about fat: too much fried food, animal flesh, dairy, sugar, all of which your body stores as fat because you almost can’t help eating more than your body can use. Vegans eat TONS of carbs and we don’t get fat. (Except those of us who eat too many fried carbs, which are as fattening as anything else.) Whatever, eat what you want but please don’t expect me to pay for your bypass surgery and diabetes drugs.bz panel 10-30-13bz strip 10-30-13

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My more memory-gifted Jazz Pickles may remember this same organ-donor-frankenstein setup from a gag I did back in August. My known associate, Wayno of Pittsburgh, came up with an alternative line for that same cartoon which I think is pretty good, so here it is again. Here’s a link to the previous one.

And here is Wayno’s blog post about this collaboration, which has a sort of funny story behind it. I hope it makes you smile with every lip on your face.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PREZARROS: From the musty, damp, archival dungeon at Bizarro International Headquarters, I offer this Sunday cartoon from 2012. I still really love this idea and the art I managed to cough up for it. I was “in the zone” the day I drew this, I guess, because I still like it a year and a half later. I hope it does not displease you.Bizarro 03-18-12 WEB

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