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Hot Tub Surgery Funeral

bz panel 03-03-14 bz panel 03-04-14bz strip 03-04-14Want to be notified by email each time I post something new? Drop your email address into the slot below the Tip Jar in the right margin! I won’t abuse it!

 

Bizarro is brought to you today by My New Part-Time Job.

As I’ve mentioned here before, I can’t stand the idea of working for a company and having to go to meetings. Most people find a way to get through it, some probably actually enjoy it, but we artistic types live primarily inside our own heads so it is difficult for us to pay attention to people talking for long periods of time. No amount of note-taking would work for me. I’d forever be wondering what was said and then I’d get fired. A hot tub would help, though. (more…)

Pillow Talk Pollo

bz panel 01-24-14bz strip 01-24-14Bizarro is brought to you today by What I’m Not Listening To Today.

I confess I have no idea why I wrote this gag. For some reason I thought that a guy at an obgyn’s office being told he had a pillow in his shirt would be funny. Now I’m not so sure. It would’ve been a little funnier if he’d been in one of those stirrup chairs but maybe not much funnier. I can’t believe I missed that detail. Perhaps I was drunk or high or just experiencing a momentary lapse in I.Q.  I don’t know the answer, but here is the result. Perhaps one or two of you will find it amusing for some personal reason. (more…)

Three to Five Smiles

bz panel 01-20-14 bz panel 01-21-14 bz panel 01-22-14Bizarro is brought to you today by The Power of Three.

Since it is Wednesday and I have not yet posted any cartoons this week, you get three. Hooray, wunderbar, groovy.

 

 

1. If your cholesterol and weight are high your doctor may say he’d like to “get your numbers down.” But this patient is an ancient Roman so he uses the word “numerals” instead. That is supposed to be the joke. What happens next is the doctor is cleaved in half by a sword and his head is displayed on a pike in the town square. I didn’t include that in the gag because it’s gross. (more…)

Seeing, Believing

bz panel 01-11-14bz strip 01-11-14Bizarro is brought to you today by My Doggy Doppelganger.

I’ve never been drunk enough to hallucinate but if I did, I’d be terribly amused to see a creature like this one. Of course, if I saw it in a public place, I couldn’t be sure that it wasn’t just someone in a costume. That sort of thing may not happen in most cities and towns, but in the places I’ve been living for the past 12 years, New York and Los Angeles, it would not be all that surprising. (more…)

Cuckoo Time

bz panel 11-20-13Bizarro is brought to you today by The Perfect Hangover Snack.

Well, now. This is a weird little gag about a cuckoo clock that sees a shrink. I can only imagine the sort of twisted mind that would arrive at this scenario, and it belongs to my good buddy and cartoony colleague, Dan McConnell. Seriously, what is wrong with that guy? (more…)

Theft Humor

bz panel 11-11-13bz panel 11-12-13 Bizarro is brought to you today by The Key to Your Future.

Things are heating up here at Bizarro International Headquarters. Not because I’m working on a January launch for my new podcast, not because a feature-length animated film of Bizarro is being produced by Steven Spielberg (no such film exists) but because I’m warming some bean dip on the stove. I’m feeling snacky. (more…)

Visible Humor

bz panel 11-06-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Funeral Fun!

The Invisible Man’s selfie is a zen joke. So little there, but so many philosophical interpretations. Does one truly exist if one is invisible? Was the Invisible Man naked when he took this or is it a closeup of just his face? What would God’s selfie look like? Would a smart phone be able to compensate for the blinding light of His omnipotence so you could actually make out the long, white beard and the vengeful, jealous look in his eyes? (Nahum 1:2-8)  Now that I think of it, is the Invisible Man’s selfie in the same category as Anthony Weiner’s selfies? If so, I clandestinely managed to get porn into newspapers all over the world. (I’ve not posted the strip version of this because, guess what, it’s no different.)bz panel 11-07-13 (more…)

Gamble

bz panel 08-03-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Ernie’s Right-Hand Man.

I’m not a gambler but I’ve been to Vegas a few times for various other reasons. It’s one of those places that is fascinating for a while just because it is so surreal. The buildings, the people, everything is crazy.bz strip 08-03-13 The first time I went, however, I was 18 and things were different. I had won an art contest of sorts, the prize for which was a weekend in Vegas for two. At that age, I had barely been on a commercial flight before, much less traveled to a place as strange as Vegas without adult supervision. I remember drinking and going into casinos and strip clubs but I can’t remember why they let me in. I was clearly underage (at 18, I could’ve passed for 16) but I suppose the laws then were not very strict. Or at least the enforcement wasn’t. (more…)

Numbers Game

bz panel 07-29-13bz strip 07-29-13Bizarro is brought to you today by ASD (Abdominal Strings Disorder)

My annual checkup is coming up soon and I’m dreading it. Not because I’m afraid they’ll find something wrong with me or I don’t enjoy paying a relative stranger to insert a rubber-clad finger into my butt, but because the process will take a couple of hours out of my day and cost me money to get bad news or no news at all. My doctor will also chastise me for not following his instructions last year to get up at the ass-crack of dawn (two anal references in the first paragraph; a new record for me!) and wait in line at a clinic to have my blood taken for routine testing. Blech! (more…)

Small Problem

bz panel 07-18-13bz strip 07-18-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Prostate Exams.

Since it’s just you and me talking (I’m serious, you’re my only blog reader) I’m going to talk about something personal if you’ve no objections: my prostate gland. I don’t know what it does exactly and only vaguely know where it is, but it has some kind of connection to sexual activity, I think, and it can be accessed by a doctor easily if not pleasantly. (Unless you’re REALLY attracted to your doctor, which I am not.) I’m not sure how I’m supposed to take care of it but so far, I’ve had no problems so I guess I’m doing a good job. My dad missed one of my many weddings because he had to have prostate surgery. He’s okay now, but at the time it seemed scary. So I guess it is fair to say that I’m a little afraid of my own prostate. So far, so good, though. (more…)

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