Psychic Longneck Cat Worship

bz panel 12-01-14bz strip 12-01-14bz panel 12-02-14bz strip 12-02-14bz panel 12-03-14bz strip 12-03-14Bizarro is brought to you today by Gun Lingo.

Does anyone out there have a modern solution to the password thing? You’re supposed to use different passwords for all your sites to reduce the possibility of having your identity stolen, but how do you remember them all? If you write them on a list, someone will steal the list and steal your life. I’ve taken to keeping a list but writing it in code. But sometimes I can’t remember what the code is. Gosh, life in the future can suck sometimes.

This giraffe gag is a bit of a throw-away joke, but I’ve always enjoyed reminding myself to look at things objectively, as though I’d never seen it before. In doing so with a giraffe, it occurred to me that no other animal resembles it; it truly looks Photoshopped.

It also occurred to me when I was writing this batch that most of the single women I’ve known (and a good number of ones in relationships) seem to nearly worship their cats. No judgement––cats are lovely creatures worth adoring––I was just wondering if there was a reason. If there is, I’ll likely never understand it, as most things about women are inscrutable to men.

SECRET TRIVIA FOR JAZZ PICKLES ONLY: I originally drew this cartoon for a different caption but it was decided it would be too incendiary in the light of current gun issues in the U.S., so it has been relegated to the Internet only. See the original caption here. Seriously, what is it about so many Americans that they equate godliness with the right to carry guns? It’s mystifying.

Hen Nose Poop Motel

bizarro 05-04-14 hedrWEB Bizarro 05-04-14 WEB(You want some bigger cartoonage, Mr. Coolpants? Click any green spot on any image below.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Jazz Pickle or Zucchini Fanatic?

It’s no secret that the overwhelming majority of psychics are charlatans, but it has been my experience that a desperate chicken will go to any lengths to understand it’s road-crossing behavior. Unfortunately, that particular enduring question of the ages is still unresolved.

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At the end of last week, these two cartoons published under the Bizarro flag. This Hooters lampoon came from the mind of the talented son of my good friend, Cliff Harris King of Wordplay. Together, they make a formidable comedy machine. His boy, Emilio, is a young teenager and seems to be a chip off the old man’s block. Cliff reports that his son came up with this idea after watching a Hooters TV commercial or something. Once he learns the other meaning of “hooters,” he will likely stop thinking of noses.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I quite like this clown cartoon, but then I’m very lowbrow. Your results may vary.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

JAZZ PICKLE JAR: From 1998 this cartoon returns like deja vu. I hope you enjoy the surreal layers of this gag as much as I did when I wrote it.bizarro 09-27-98WEB

Not a Garage Sale

bz panel 11-09-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Relaxing Saturday Afternoon Tea Party.

I suspect that most of the people who read my cartoons on this blog don’t actually read the hilarious and thought-provoking copy that I add alongside. So, just for you, my most precious and loyal Jazz Pickles, I will tell you a super exciting secret. In January I’ll be launching a Bizarro podcast! It will be called the Bizarro Podcast and it’s going to be awesome. All of the same hilarious and thought-provoking irreverence you’re accustomed to on this blog, but with my hilarious and thought-provoking voice and personality to boot. (Where the hell did “to boot” come from? Strange expression.)

Gotta go now, the love of my life (my perro negro, Jemima) has eaten one of my shoes and I must pretend to be angry with her. (How can you get mad at a face like that?!)

 

BIZARRCHIVES:bz 12-12-01 dog Since we’re talking about my evil dog, here’s a dog cartoon from 2001. That’s a cameo by me, before I had the Mighty Mustache.

 

Fortuitous

bz panel 08-19-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Multi-personality Mustache.

bz strip 08-19-13As people who follow science news know, bees are on the decline at an alarming rate (because of us–SURPRISE!) and if we don’t figure out how to reverse it, it will be cataclysmic for the entire planet. I know that sounds drastic, but think about it. The most common way plants spread their goodness is through the whole pollination/bee thing. No bees, no plants. No plants, nothing to eat (or to feed the critters that you eat if you’re a meat eater.) It’s a bummer but I did my part last week to alleviate the problem. I went outside early one morning and saw a live bee caught in a spider’s web. I’ve no idea why it hadn’t been eaten yet and the spider was nowhere to be found. Probably popped out for a latte. So I (carefully!) extracted the bee and used tweezers to pull the (INSANELY) sticky web off of him. Then I placed him in a flower pot outside. He disappeared later so either he recovered and flew away to save the world or another critter ate him. I’m hoping for the best.

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BIZARROVERS: This title for my older cartoons section was suggested by a long-time Jazz Pickle who is serving with the military in Afghanistan, David  Ebinger. He didn’t get his idea to me in time for the voting we did last week because the Internet in Afghanistan is delivered by donkey, but I like it so I’m inserting it into the rotation list. Thanks, David. Stay safe!

Today’s cartoon from 2008 has the word “fortune” in it so in that way it is similar to the cartoon above. I guess. It was drawn as a result of my own pet peeve about fortune cookies never having actual fortunes in them. I don’t want wisdom, I want the cookie to tell me I’m going to come into a lot of money.

Cavalcade of Comedy Carnage

(To see a much big version of these cartoons, click them why don’t you?)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Where Have I Been?

Good gravy, Jazz Pickles, it has been a long time since I posted on my blog. I’ve been running around the Non-East Coast on a small comedy tour and that stuff is time-consuming, brain-eating, and deadline-threatening. But I’m almost caught up on life so I’m back to posting. Here now are a jilliondyfive cartoons to get you caught up on everything that has published since I last posted. Whew!

If you care, the shows went well and it was most gratifying to commune in person with so many of you. All three of my California shows were sold out, which is what performers hope for. Not being sold out means that there are empty seats in the room from which it is virtually impossible to solicit a laugh. As a performer, my self esteem is integrally tied to my ability to gain the approval of strangers. When they laugh, I feel noticeably less suicidal instantly. When they don’t, I begin nervously fingering the cyanide buttons on my shirt. Thanks for keeping me alive, kids!

My live comedy shows are a combination of visuals projected on a big screen behind me (cartoons, photos, etc.), songs that I play and sing live, some stand-up comedy, and a little interaction with the audience. But most of the laughs in every show come from my comments on the images projected behind me. I mention this because at my show in Mill Valley, a big theater that seats around 300-or-so, the projector stopped getting along with my laptop computer about 10 minutes into a 90-minute show. Whoops. I’ve always known this would happen one day and it turns out that day was April 27th, 2012.

The first impression I had when the tech guy told me from the booth that it was hopeless was how similar the situation was to that recurring nightmare so many people have where they are onstage in their underwear or can’t remember their lines. I wasn’t wearing underwear, so I did what any performer would do, I panicked. Then I cried. Then I pooped my pants a little bit (wish I’d been wearing underwear), then I ad libbed the rest of the evening.

As it happens, I was better at this than I thought I’d be and the evening was saved. In fact, it might have been one of my funniest shows ever. If people weren’t expecting to see cartoons at my shows, I’d be tempted to leave the computer at home and do them all this way. I routinely made a joke out of how poorly the technical aspects were going and it went over so well that many audience members asked me after the show if it was intentional. Perhaps that’s an angle I should pursue in the future; a show that intentionally looks as though the computer is failing and I have to cope. People seem to enjoy watching others struggle on stage.

Overall, a very enjoyable tour and one that gave me more confidence for the future. If I can make people laugh without my cartoons behind me, I won’t sweat the technical aspects anymore. I’ll just roll with the punches as they come and mop up the blood later.

My fondest dream is to be doing this show more in the near future and I hope to see plenty of you Jazz Pickles there.

 

Please “like” my Facebook page and see stuff there.

Sales Pregnant Pigeon Egg

Bizarro is brought to you today by Humpty Piraro.

I must admit that I don’t know diddly squat, but I do know how to draw a couple of goobers who might be named Diddly and Squat. How cool would it be to be named “Bob Squat”? Maybe not cool, but hilarious.

I have an abnormal affinity for funny names, both real and imagined. When I was a teenager in the 1970s, I knew a guy whose last name was Creitz. (Rhymes with “frights”.) He always said that if he had a son, he would name him Jesus. I still laugh about that. One of my favorite funny names is a character on 30 Rock called Dr. Spaceman. What’s funny about it is that it is pronounced, spa-CHAY-man. It’s one of my favorite phony comedy names ever.

Here’s another wordplay offering from my bueno amigo, Cliff Harris. I’ve said it before and I’m about to say it again: I have deep man-love for the way Cliff thinks about words.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another recurring theme in my cartoons is pigeons. Anyone who follows Bizarro knows that I love me some pigeons. Smart, funny, beautiful, pigeons are always welcome in my yard and cartoons. As are the dumb, ugly and grungy ones. So here’s a really big pigeon. I’d love to see a pigeon this big in person, and almost did once when my drink was spiked with an unknown substance in college.

 

 

My last cartoon today is an idea by my known associate, Wayno. This is a pun that has been used a lot in various ways so this cartoon may have been done somewhere before, but we couldn’t find it when searching so I went with it. The picture was fun to draw so I couldn’t resist. And what better time to run this cartoon than at the beginning of FALL!? (Not applicable in the Southern Hemisphere.)

I hope that all of you have a great fall (autumn) even though I know that statistically speaking, some of you won’t. Sorry about that, please don’t blame me.

Here’s what Wayno has to say about this latest collaboration.

Here’s where you can find hundreds of Bizarro cartoons on dozens of products. Great holiday gifts!