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Egyptian Super Balls

Bizarro is brought to you by Spelling Bees.

I like cartoons about hieroglyphics and have done them before. Here’s one of my faves. This one came from my buddy, Cliff, who is a master of word play. He has a unique way of thinking about language that always really tickles me.





In our next panel we see a man getting ready for a massage with a jackhammer. Oh my, that could kill him. But wait, no it can’t, because he’s Superman. Whew!

Honestly though, if Superman’s body can repel bullets, would there be any way to give him a massage? Would a jackhammer even work? Maybe he would need a hydraulic hammer more like this one. Acupuncture would be completely out of the question, of course.


My final panel today is a collaboration with my known associate, Wayno of Pittsburgh. On his articulate and well-bred blog, he comments on the changes I made to his original sketch but the one thing he didn’t mention was that I put underwear on the athlete. The mere thought of this guy’s spheroid genitals made me draw as fast as I could to cover them.

One thing I’ve always found funny about college and pro sports is that the coach is often the size and shape of the guy on the bench here. This is particularly true in American football. These men were presumably once in great shape but in their current role (and rolls) they certainly aren’t great spokespersons for exercise. Of course, most of the players on the line are giant and obese as early as college football. The only reason they can run at all is that they are young. It is sometimes painful to watch them exert themselves at that size and I’m amazed that more of them do not experience heart explosions.

I would like you to have this book. A portion of all proceeds goes to food and rent.





Rock Parking Fire Babe Death

Bizarro is brought to you today by High Tech Noses

I’m overworked and underpaid this week so I’m taking a few days off of blog duties. Here are some cartoons to catch you all up, sorry for the lack of witty banter to accompany them. My brain is getting some much needed rest.

My good buddy, Michael Capozzola suggested the parking cartoon. Check out his other cartoons here.

If you don’t get the second caveman cartoon, it’s likely because you don’t know the Venus of Willendorf. Yo, check it. If you don’t recognize the woman’s image, check this.

The last one, about the apocalypse that is always coming but just never seems to get here is a collaboration with my known associate, Wayno of Pittsburgh. See what he has to say about it here.

Doggy Lamp Highway Creep

Bizarro is brought to you today  by Unintelligent Bells.

I’m off in a few hours to the National Cartoonists Society’s annual convention. They hold this thing in a different city each year and mostly just hang around each other at a hotel or resort for three days. They also have seminars you can go to –– one professional cartoonist or another will talk for an hour about his or her career –– then there’s a black tie awards dinner on Saturday night during which they give out The Reuben Award for “outstanding cartoonist of the year,” and dozens of category awards.

It’s a fun weekend but damn, what a drag it is trying to double up on work to clear four days of your schedule. All the syndicated guys, like me, for whom there is no break in work until you retire or die (often on the same day), show up with circles under our eyes, shaking from the copious amount of coffee (or toothache drops) used to keep us awake to finish our deadlines in time to get to the convention.

I actually haven’t been to one of these for a few years so I’m looking forward to seeing my buddies again. I’d post pictures and wild stories from the convention on my blog, but to be honest, it’s not very wild and the pictures would mostly be of middle-aged white men in polo shirts. But rest assured, if anything funny does happen, I’ll report it to you, dear Jazz Pickles.

I won’t likely be posting any more cartoons on this blog until early next week, so it might be wise to plan some activities to keep you busy until then and have a support system ready to get you through the rough times. If you find that the withdrawal is too much and you just can’t make it, call me on my personal cell phone number: 800-672-3888



REMINDER: I’m doing more comedy shows these days and if you want to be on the list to be notified by email whenever I’m going to be in your area, go to and hit that main “like” button near the top, at the right, under the yellow banner. That way, you’ll get an email when I post something on there.

Until next week, smooches to you and yours.

Dr. Sheik Rabbit Highway Star Burqa

Bizarro is brought to you today by Super Mistakes.

It’s been a week since I’ve posted because I had to get ready to leave town for my show in Washington D.C. over the weekend, fly there, do the show, then come home. I’ve done all that now so I’m back at headquarters and blogging like a chimp with a new laptop.

The show in D.C. went very well, all things considered. Because many airlines exist to torture their passengers, my flight to D.C. was canceled on Saturday and I had to spend the rest of the day at LAX trying to chase down a new, last-minute flight. United Airlines was the company that broke their customer contract with me and were no help whatsoever in finding me a new flight. After making me stand in line for TWO HOURS (yes, I’m shouting that) to talk to an agent about rescheduling, they told me there were no flights left on any airline before the next afternoon, which wouldn’t get me to D.C until after my show. Arriving in a city after your show is bad for business, as you might have guessed. So, after being foolish enough to believe United Airlines’ LIE about no other seats on any airline being available, I accepted a refund on my original flight and left the counter. Shortly thereafter, I found numerous openings on other airlines and could only conclude that when they said “no flights until tomorrow,” they actually meant “no flights for a price that we are willing to pay.”

It is now my personal opinion that United Airlines sucks. Let’s all boycott them, shall we? I know I will.

So I found an expensive overnight flight on Virgin (a terrific airline in my opinion, in spite of its lack of sexual experience) and arrived in D.C. the next morning with red eyes framed with black circles. After only a couple of hours of sleep, I arrived at the comedy club that afternoon to battle through several hours of technical problems between my computer and their projection system. The tech guys at the Riot Act Comedy Theater were terrific, however, and creatively found ways to solve the problems well before show time.

The show itself was tons o’ fun for me. I got to try out a bunch of new material and the audience was smart and cool. In spite of the auspicious travel adventure, the show was a terrific experience. I had invited President Obama to come to the show but he couldn’t make it because of some kind of scheduling conflict. Newt Gingrich showed up, however, without being invited. He was abruptly ejected from the room, of course, when his disguise became dislodged and I recognized him. 

I’m working on some West Coast dates now and will announce them when they are set. These shows get better and better as you finesse them, so I hope to see jars and jars of you Jazz Pickles having a blast at my upcoming gigs.

One side note about a cartoon that ran last week––the “Trannysaurus” gag that appears below. I got a few emails from various people who find the word “tranny” to be derisive. I shouldn’t have to tell regular readers this but I’m not bigoted toward anyone for their sexual wiring. Furthermore, I have never thought of the word “tranny” as an epithet; if I had, I would most certainly not have used it. To my knowledge, the word itself was originally a shortening of the word “transvestite,” and used by those in the GLBT community long before anyone else much knew what it meant. “Transvestite” is not derogatory, so I fail to see how shortening it is. Yes, it is likely that bigots use the word derogatorily, but they do the same with the word “gay” and I find no reason to change that term as a result. Since certain people will always use any word in an invective manner to describe people they dislike, I believe it is up to the rest of us not to give in to that kind of childish behavior as a result. Additionally, I’ve long believed that using alternative lifestyle themes in my cartoons, which appear in hundreds of newspaper markets worldwide, is an effective way to normalize the people involved. Just because I have a gay, transsexual, transgender, or transvestite character in a cartoon does not mean I am criticizing them. In fact, I am always trying to do the opposite.

If you were offended, I’m truly sorry. I never aim to offend my Jazz Pickles. Otherwise, thanks for understanding. Let’s all agree to forge ahead together for a better world and not fly United Airlines unless we are willing to delay our travel plans indefinitely and be lied to in the process!

Happy week, BJPs!

Get it on a product.

Get it in a book.

Reaper Duck Stupid Rebel Hand Ball

Bizarro is brought to you today by Trojan!

The deadline gods conspired against me this week and I have had no time to post on this blog about my daily cartoons. I hope that next week will be less Sisyphussy. (NEW WORD ALERT!)  I think there are some good cartoons in this batch, but let’s let you be the judge.

The woman in the bar with a bow and arrow is an allegory for the way single men often feel about beautiful women. We are simultaneously drawn to and intimidated by them. One reason I never approach an attractive woman in public is because I am certain she will shoot me. Your results may vary.

This little ditty about a party full of grim reapers was an idea that came from my “known associate,” Wayno. The fun for me was in the drawing. I feel good about the body gestures of the various characters, which is something most cartoonists these days (since you no longer have to actually be able to draw to be a professional cartoonist) don’t pay much attention to. I think I managed to make the host look welcoming, the guest look mortified (PUN INTENDED!) and the guests in the background seem natural in a party environment. I also had fun with the paisley, of course. See Wayno’s clever chatter about it here.

The idea for this cartoon about Rebel Air was submitted by a loyal Bizarro Jazz Pickle, Brian Levy, who sends me several ideas each week. Like most JPs who do this, all of his suggestions are appreciated but most are not quite right for me. I liked this idea about a rebellious airline that flouts FAA rules, however. Just for fun, I attempted to draw a sort of caricature of Mr. Levy for this cartoon based on a photo he sent. I doubt it looks much like him but you might notice he is sitting next to me on the plane (another of my tributes to Alfred Hitchcock.) Don’t get any ideas, Brian –– I will NEVER travel anywhere with you.

If you were wondering when I was going to openly call someone stupid, wonder no more for I have done it in this cartoon. I got quite a few emails from teachers who particularly related to this one. One of the best reasons I know for educating yourself and behaving with some sense of decency is that there is a damned good chance your kids are going to be a lot like you. Want your kids to be honest? Don’t lie to them or to your significant other. Want your son to respect women? Don’t be a lecherous hound. Want your daughter to pick a good mate someday? Don’t be an ass to her mother. Want your kids to be smart? Don’t be an uneducated boob. It’s kind of simple, really. If you don’t have any children, ignore the previous advice and be a stupid, lying, cheating jackass if you like.

I’ve done a few cartoons about the hand inside of a puppet but I’m not tired of the motif yet, so here’s another. (And here is one of my favorites from last year.) My good friend with the best nom de plume yet, Richard Cabeza, suggested a cartoon wherein a muppet couple were getting a sonogram and a hand shows up inside of her. For various reasons of graphic clarity, I changed it to this approach. Now that I think of it, it would have been even funnier if the mom muppet was lying lifeless and limp on the table since her infrastructure had just been removed. Damn. Wish I’d thought of that before this second.

Here’s another fun idea from Wayno. For this one, I used the same drawing as a cartoon I did a while back. See here. A fun little bit of trivia for you Jazz Pickles who actually read my blogs and don’t just look at the pictures, is that on the backs of the jerseys I used the names of a few of my friends who are regular contributors to Bizarro. Just a little nod to my homies.

So who do you want to win the Super Bowl this weekend? I don’t care who wins as long as it isn’t New England. It’s not that I hate Boston, I don’t. I always root for the Red Sox over the Yankees, for instance. And I don’t hate patriots; I always root for the U.S. over Germany when I watch The History Channel. It’s just that the Patriots have won too much, Belichick seems like a complete ass, and Brady is married to a super model. That’s all the reasons I need. Hey, it’s sports, not brain surgery.

I’m dead broke. Please buy something from me: cartoons on products, cartoons in books.

Evolving Diet Hand-Me-Down

Bizarro is brought to you today by Christmas Confusion.

I keep promising myself (and you, dear Jazz Pickles) that I will post more often on this blogging machine but then I don’t get around to it. Part of the problem is that I keep looking for ways to get out of the house because I’m living alone for the first time in ten years and I get pretty blue and lonely if I don’t get out. Today I rode my bicycle 5.6 miles (according to the Google Map) to a branch of my bank to deposit a few dozen dollars worth of checks. It was mostly an excuse to get out in the sun and exercise, so an 11.2 mile ride was just the thing.

My first cartoon today is on one of my favorite subjects: the evolution/creationism debate. The fact that the U.S. is the only literate country where this is even still considered a debate is part of what intrigues me about it. If there weren’t so many Americans who still adamantly held to the creation myth of the Bible, I wouldn’t care, of course. As proof of this large, anachronistic portion of our society, every time I do a gag like this someone writes to me to complain about it. Thank goodness! (Not god, sorry.) Here, for your Xmas/Hanukkah enjoyment, are the exact words:

I don’t know why you choose to use this time of year to offend many Christians.

Your strip is funny and thought-provoking enough without resorting to such tactics.

The email itself is not all that funny, other than the fact that a person in the 21st century who does not live in a cave or a jungle still finds references to evolution as truth and creationism as myth offensive. And is that even what this cartoon is saying? I think not.

I admit that I do enjoy poking fun at (living) people (in the 21st century) who accept myth as truth but I think that in this modern era, if you’re going to hold disproved, archaic beliefs you should be willing to take a little ribbing. If, in 2012, I believed that there was a giant, magical being inside the local volcano that made it erupt if I didn’t throw the right virgin into it, I would expect quite a bit of kidding. (And probably a fair amount of legal attention for kidnapping and murdering virgins.) It’s just the price of civilization, folks.  Here’s a link (pun intended) to another of my cartoons on the same subject that I particularly liked. Missing Link.

Moving on to another subject but not out of the jungle, here is a cartoon that presents an entirely new reason for trying to convince someone of the benefits of veganism. I admit that when I first changed my diet and lifestyle, I did a fair amount of evangelizing. It’s hard not to when you discover a new truth, you know? But I now leave that to others and only offer my views and knowledge when asked. Which is occasionally. (If you care, here is an old page full of typos and lousy grammar that explains my thought process back in ’02, when I gave up animal products.)

My “air guitar” cartoon was conceived of by my good friend’s son, Nicco, who is only about 8 or 11 or something. (I’m terrible at remembering other people’s kids details. Does that make me a narcissist? Probably.) Anyway, I thought it was a fun cartoon idea so here it is. Thanks, Nicco! Nicco’s older brother, Emilio, contributed a cartoon to Bizarro once, too. The kids in this family are pretty sharp, I guess.

Please have a dandy holiday, if you’re into that sort of thing. And remember that it is not too late to get the perfect gift right here. It’s probably too late to get it delivered by Xmas, but it’s not too late to get it.

Shirt Load of Fun

(This cartoon is WAY more fun BIG. Click the clown’s nose to make it so!)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Delicious Dinner Options.

Here’s another collaboration with my friend, Cliff The Master of Wordplay. And letter- and number- and symbol-play, too. For those readers who are blind or dead, the jokes lie in the T-shirt messages. From left to right: I pie NY, Aye aye NY, I owe NY, I see NY, I love York, I pound NY.

One reader wrote to tell me that the # sign actually has several names –pound, hash, number, octothorpe– so perhaps I should have used the symbol for the British pound – £ – or an 8, for “ate.”  Not a bad idea, but it’s a matter for historians now. What’s done is done. Water under the bridge. Dachshunds in a picnic basket, as they say. (Wait. Do they say that last one? They should, it would be cute.)

Of course, I’ve also thrown in a few gags in the store signs, just for those of you who like to dig for gags. “Dingo Baby Clothes” is my favorite.

Here’s another fun gag Cliff worked on with me that uses this same motif.

Goodbye for now, dear reader. If you’re one of those people who buy lots of gifts during the last part of the year, please consider my new book, “Bizarro Heroes,” and also any or all of your favorite Bizarro cartoons from over the years on tons of different products!



Mobius Richard

(Can you see this cartoon larger? Yes, you can. Just click on the seagull’s beak!)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Happy Meals.

I did a cartoon a while back about a mobius strip and got lots of responses, so I figured, why not tap that vein again? This one was a collaboration between my own dear self and my dear, dear buddy, Cliff. He’s always thinking of something.

Short post today. (stop cheering) I’m way behind on work and the rhinoceros of life is charging my jeep.

You: Dan! Where we can find this cartoon on a T-shirt or iPhone cover?! Huh? Me: Click this sentence now, matey!

Sales Pregnant Pigeon Egg

Bizarro is brought to you today by Humpty Piraro.

I must admit that I don’t know diddly squat, but I do know how to draw a couple of goobers who might be named Diddly and Squat. How cool would it be to be named “Bob Squat”? Maybe not cool, but hilarious.

I have an abnormal affinity for funny names, both real and imagined. When I was a teenager in the 1970s, I knew a guy whose last name was Creitz. (Rhymes with “frights”.) He always said that if he had a son, he would name him Jesus. I still laugh about that. One of my favorite funny names is a character on 30 Rock called Dr. Spaceman. What’s funny about it is that it is pronounced, spa-CHAY-man. It’s one of my favorite phony comedy names ever.

Here’s another wordplay offering from my bueno amigo, Cliff Harris. I’ve said it before and I’m about to say it again: I have deep man-love for the way Cliff thinks about words.







Another recurring theme in my cartoons is pigeons. Anyone who follows Bizarro knows that I love me some pigeons. Smart, funny, beautiful, pigeons are always welcome in my yard and cartoons. As are the dumb, ugly and grungy ones. So here’s a really big pigeon. I’d love to see a pigeon this big in person, and almost did once when my drink was spiked with an unknown substance in college.



My last cartoon today is an idea by my known associate, Wayno. This is a pun that has been used a lot in various ways so this cartoon may have been done somewhere before, but we couldn’t find it when searching so I went with it. The picture was fun to draw so I couldn’t resist. And what better time to run this cartoon than at the beginning of FALL!? (Not applicable in the Southern Hemisphere.)

I hope that all of you have a great fall (autumn) even though I know that statistically speaking, some of you won’t. Sorry about that, please don’t blame me.

Here’s what Wayno has to say about this latest collaboration.

Here’s where you can find hundreds of Bizarro cartoons on dozens of products. Great holiday gifts!

Doctor Online Alien Soup

Bizarro is brought to you today by Foot Fetish.

I’ve been busier than a long-tailed cat in a roomful of rocking chairs this week, so I’m late on posting these. I hope I haven’t lost either of my readers.

Cartoon #1 is a visual joke, nothing more. Take it however you like. The patient is fashioned after my good friend, Tiny Tony T. Smith, who recorded my someday-to-be-released album recently. Eventually, I’m going to sell a CD of four or five of my original songs. They’re all serious songs, not meant to be comedy, but the lyrics are clever (or so I’ve heard) and people often get a chuckle or two from them. Would any of you be interested in buying said album and if so, how much should it cost? Maybe I can figure a way to download them for 99 cents a piece like they do on iTunes instead of creating 3-D discs. I don’t know anything about that stuff.

I hear they have online games where you build a virtual farm or city or something like that. From that scant knowledge, I wrote this cartoon. I hope it makes sense to someone. One reader from Pittsburgh thought I was making fun of his town and asked me what I had against Pburgh. I responded that I had nothing against it, I actually really like that town and have a few friends there that I enjoy visiting. He wrote back that he’d a few too many beers when he typed the email. There’s a lot of good beer in PB, so I can understand that.

I really like cartoon #3. For some folks, it might take a minute or two to make the connection between “steroids” and “asteroids,” but that’s okay. We’ll wait for you. This gag was dreamed up by my good friend, Cliff Harris, who has a way with wordplay that I think is unique. He thinks of things that would never occur to me. He has some really good ones coming up in the next month or so, keep your eyes peeled.

I should also say that I’m happy with the art on this one. Most cartoonists just never get tired of dreaming up aliens and monsters. Along those lines, here is one of Cliff’s cartoons from long ago that I did for Parade Magazine. It’s a bit of a mind-twister, but gratifying when you get the gag. Cliff is one clever dude and also just about the sweetest person I know.

Cartoon #4 is from my “known associate,” Wayno. He is one of the friends who lives in Pburgh that I mentioned above. I thought this was a fun new take on the classic waiter-there’s-a-fly-in-my-soup cartoon genre. He’s probably got tons of blabber about this collaboration on his own blog (along with two earlier pencil versions he submitted to me), which can be seen by your eyes if you apply some sort of electronic impulse to this link.


This concludes today’s entry. You may return to viewing porn, or better yet, go here and buy some Bizarro cartoons on swell products.

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