Too Many Babies

Bizarro 04-24-16 hdrWEB

(To embiggenate any cartoon, hold down your breakfast and click any yellowish color thrice.)

Bizarro 04-24-16 WEB

Bizarro is brought to you today by My Favorite Click Bait of the Week.

If you’re a person who is uncomfortable being honest about sex with your children, this cartoon is an excellent way to teach them about reproduction. It’s a bit more accurate than the old “stork” story, and in a court of law you could argue that it is technically true; babies come from inside the mother. Of course, if you do use this as a teaching tool for your children, prepare to be raising your grandchildren in a few years because their parents are still in middle school.

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Doctors are full of good advice like this. Other good doctor advice: never get this naked.

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Here’s a lovely little cartoon for all my fellow “grammar nazis” out there. I actually hate being someone who has strong urges to correct people’s grammar, and so does everyone else who doesn’t share this compulsion. I’ve become good at not correcting people in social situations but as my domesticated partner, Olive Oyl, can attest, I’m not always good about resisting the urge at home. I honestly don’t know if it is genetic or learned behavior from having attended Catholic school, where they convinced me that if I could not speak and write well, others would think I was a moron.

I should mention that Olive Oyl writes and speaks very well and gives me precious little opportunity to correct her. That’s a prerequisite for me. Poor grammar and/or the inability to write a well email is a huge turnoff for me. I even pay attention to punctuation and capitalization when texting. Yes, I’m that far gone.

I should also mention that while my skills in this area are far superior to most people’s these days (which isn’t saying much) I am far from infallible and have been corrected many times by readers of this blog. Witch I appreciate because I hate to have eras in these posts.

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I have no idea where this weird little scenario above came from. I was thinking about what they call in the movie industry “meet cutes,” and then I thought about how women love kittens and there I was. Here’s another favorite cartoon of mine about a similar couple.


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I like this cartoon because it bothers me how many Americans think that all media is biased. All media has some bias in it because humans are nearly incapable of operating without it, but some media prides itself on accuracy and openly identifies opinions and editorials as such, rather than disguising them as factual stories. That’s not to say they aren’t sometimes wrong, but when they are, it is truly inadvertent and corrections are made. Their business is built entirely on accuracy. A few examples of this kind of trustworthy news source are The New York Times, The Washington Post, and NPR.

The biggest example of a media outlet that knowingly misleads the public in an attempt to achieve the political goals of its owners and operatives is FOX News Channel. Their business is not built on being trustworthy, but on convincing their viewers that they are being lied to by everyone else. That’s an enormous and important difference. From inside that bubble, it can seem you’ve stumbled upon the only news source that’s really telling you the truth. But it bears noting that it would take a worldwide conspiracy of impossible proportions for FOX’s claims to be even close to true. It’s The Emperor’s New Clothes.

This cartoon also addresses the fact that as our attention spans get shorter, TV news necessarily has to pander to us in childish ways to compete in the ratings. I have no doubt that a news channel like the one described above would become extremely popular.

And, in grammar news, it should correctly read “…none of the facts is true” but since it’s a character talking, I can get away with using the common vernacular. (Take that, grammar nazis!)


bz panel 04-22-16

This cartoon about the traditional Judeo-Christian god got a lot of comments this week. The vast majority were very positive but, predictably, some were negative. The negative comments were mostly from people who found it offensive to depict god as an ape. (I am amused by the fact that humans are also apes, and nobody complains when you depict god as one of those. Also that so many people envision god as a male. Why would god need genitals?)

I was raised in a devout Catholic family and attended six years of Catholic school. I later spent a few years as a “born again” Christian and did the whole fundamentalist Bible study thing. Neither of these disciplines held up to my standards of “truth.”  But because I was raised to take religion seriously, I kept searching for answers.

As a young adult I did a lot of reading about a wide variety of religions from around the world and throughout history, as well as various mythologies. I’ve also studied the Bible both academically and as a believer. All of this exposure to the ways humans express their notions of the divine gave me a perspective that confining oneself within a single culture does not. Eventually I began to form my own conclusions and was finally able to regard any and all human religions as mythologies we’ve created to explain or comfort ourselves in a very complex universe. That’s not to say those comforts are not needed or are necessarily a bad thing. We all gotta do what we gotta do to get by.

But a few things jump out at you pretty quickly once you step outside of whatever cultural bubble you were raised in: Who wrote that god looks like a human male? Human males. Who wrote that Jews are god’s chosen people? Jews. Who wrote that women are to be subservient to men? Men. Who wrote that anyone who disrespects Islam should be severely punished? Etc. The list goes on and on.

My current perspective could be called atheist, but it does not rule out some kind of incomprehensible unifying force in the universe. It does, however, most certainly rule out the possibility of any one man-made religion being even remotely “true” in the sense that so many of us believe it is. It also rules out any possibility that a divine, omnipotent power in our incomprehensibly infinite universe looks like a human male. Or that such an incomprehensibly powerful entity could be insecure enough to be offended by my miserable little cartoon depicting it as the wrong species of ape.

I would also say that since humor is one of the most pleasurable, powerful, and beneficial forces in human life, it is impossible to believe that if there is a God, He/She/It was not responsible for creating it.


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This cartoon grew from the controversy surrounding the Oscars earlier this year. It was posited that mainstream Hollywood films do not offer enough good roles for people who do not happen to be mostly Caucasian. I don’t pay close enough attention to the industry to have an opinion on that, but I would definitely be interested in the film mentioned in this cartoon.

Well, Jazz Pickles, I’m off for another week of cartoon-making. Since so many people read my cartoons online now (for free) instead of in newspapers (which is who pays me) it becomes increasingly difficult for guys like me to make a living. So we sell things. Here’s some stuff I’m selling now that help to bridge gaps and provide me with an uninterrupted stream of tequila, chips, and salsa. Thanks for your support!

Very nice, signed prints of one of my strange sketchbook images, soon to be a page of a book coming out this fall. $25 to $50 There are less than 20 of each of these sizes so you could call it a limited edition. Have a look!

Super nice, framed, signed and numbered, limited-edition fine art prints from a fancy LA art gallery. $200  Have a look!

Neigh, Brethren

bz panel 10-19-13bz strip 10-19-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Interesting Swimwear.

If you’ve never paid much attention to the credits of movies you may not know that there is (or at least used to commonly be) a disclaimer at the end of Hollywood films that said something like, “No animal was harmed in the making of this film.”  As the result of pain-in-the-ass-animal-rights-advocates (like me) at some point in the late 1900s, Hollywood passed “laws” that you couldn’t injure animals to make a movie. Up until then, directors could be pretty ruthless when it came to battle scenes, stampedes, chariot races, etc., and would routinely trip horses with wires to make them look as though they’d been shot, and so forth. Lots of animals were killed making movies in the old days. Once, Timmy threw a tantrum and strangled Lassie, causing a nationwide search for another dog that looked just like him to finish the film. In another famous incident, during the making of Ben Hur, Charlton Heston was being such a horse’s ass that one of the horses from the cast mounted him. Heston mowed the horse down with a semi-automatic rifle, of course.

Meanwhile, the same people passing rules about not injuring horses or dogs in the movie business were eating steaks, pork, and chicken. Humans easily turn a blind eye to “food” animals and forget that they have the same qualities of the animals we deem worth protecting. How many people would think it hypocritical to serve meat at a fundraiser for dogs and cats? Not many. Humans have certain “magical” species (dogs, cats, horses, anything nearly extinct) that they’ll protect from abuse and the rest are just products to make profit from, no matter the cruelty involved in the process. Our arrogance astounds me sometimes, but then, I was guilty of the same kind of double standards until my early forties when a light went on in my tiny, pointed head. So I can’t be too critical. (But claiming the moral high ground sure is fun!)

bz 04-11-11 127HoursWEBPREHISTARROS: Both of these jokes about Hollywood agents were collaborations with my good buddy, Andy Cowan. Andy has had a long and successful career in Hollywood as a TV comedy writer so he has lots of amusing perspectives on agents, as you can imagine. I particularly love this one about the film, “127 Hours,” which, if you don’t recall, is based on the true story of a hiker who got his arm trapped between a rock and a hard place and had to chop it off with a spork to save himself from dying of thirst or being eaten by monsters. Dang.


Sinking Feeling

Bizarro 06-23-13 WEB (For a version of this cartoon that is impossibly huge, click R2D2’s pancreas access port.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Flatulence Put To Good Use.

I truly enjoyed drawing this scene with the exception of the Transformer in the right corner. Those things have WAY too many parts on them. Some of you younger Jazz Pickles might not realize it, but Transformers came out as toys  decades before they became a movie; sometime in the late 19th century, I believe. They were less complex then because they didn’t have the technology they do now so each toy had to be fashioned out of scraps of twigs and bamboo held together with hemp twine. These days, they are made from a combination of lead-based materials from China and environment-destroying plastics.

I researched this image to make sure I got it right but I can’t remember exactly which one it is. I think it is called “Wavetron” and when it’s not being a murderous robot thing, it folds up into a curling iron.

Outer Space Celebs

Bizarro is brought to you today by Imposters.

If you’re a Bizarro Jazz Pickle and regular reader of this blog, then you know how much I likes me some baggy pants, backwards hats and bowel-shaking, bass-heavy hip-hop. I like it so much that I’ve attributed these totally awesome traits to some space explorers. Now they’re doubly awesome.

This cartoon represents some revisionist history: the version of this cartoon that I submitted and ran in newspapers depicted the helmets facing forward. I’m not sure why I didn’t turn them around in the first place. Sometimes I’m just stupid.

If you’re a reader who has never been to the U.S. and doesn’t follow Hollywood bullshit, you may not know that there is a thing called the “Hollywood Walk of Fame”. It consists of stars embedded in the sidewalks all around Hollywood, each with the name of a “star” of entertainment. Of course, one person’s star is another person’s stellar dust. In this cartoon, the child on the left has never heard of Clark Gable (a talented, accomplished actor who died much too young in 1960), and the old man on the right has never heard of Snooki (a talentless piece of Jersey beach trash who cannot be killed because of her affiliation with the Powers of Darkness.)  “Snooki” does not actually yet have a star on the Walk of Fame, but now that so many Americans confuse idiots-being-themselves-on-camera with talent, she likely will one day.

If that thought depresses you, my new book, Bizarro Heroes will cheer you up!

Armless Alien

Bizarro is brought to you today by Inefficient Paintbrushes.

This week is a big deal on the Western religious landscape. Passover starts on Monday, celebrated by people who believe a messiah is coming to save them one day, and Easter is celebrated next weekend by people who believe that same messiah has come and gone and will come again. (You think that’s confusing? Read something about Mormonism some time.) For all I know, the Muslims have something going this time of year, too. The Big Three monotheisms grew from the same root, so there are often similarities other than large groups of people who believe they are the favorite of an invisible magic person in the sky.

I’m sure I’ll poke at religion some more in the coming week but for now, let’s talk about severed arms. Yech! I haven’t seen 127 Hours yet, but I have a Netflix disk of it sitting next to my TV. I’m saving it for a day when I think my life sucks because the weather is crappy and my Internet is down. Watching a movie about a guy who has to saw off his own arm with a pair of nail clippers might be just the thing to put things back in perspective.

I normally don’t talk to cab drivers – in NYC there isn’t much point. They don’t want to talk to passengers and they often sport such elaborate accents that I cannot understand much of what they say anyway. But when I’m on vacation, feeling giddy from the change of location and lack of responsibilities, I will often play fast and loose with my tongue. On more than one occasion I have asked a cab driver who does not look like a native how he ended up there. I’ve gotten the above answer more than once, which was the foundation for this gag. I’ve had days when I would almost chuck it all to drive a cab on a tropical island somewhere; the simple life of mindless days of sunny weather on a beach. I know that the reality would not be as much fun as my fantasy so I drop the idea, but it is comforting to know that people do occasionally do it.

One final note for the complete car and/or cartoon nerd: The taxi in this cartoon is based on a car that actually existed in the 1960s. I’d kill for one.

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