CornHorses

Bizarro 02-07-16 hdrWEB

(Enjoy the delights of embiggenation by clicking any nose within an image.)Bizarro 02-07-16 WEB

Bizarro is brought to you today by Deep Sea Jazz Pickles.

Today’s big Sunday cartoon is a history lesson wrapped in humor. Two historical facts that one must know to fully appreciate it are these: horses did not occur in the Americas before Europeans brought them, and corn did not occur in Europe until Indians smuggled it in disguised as straight, bumpy bananas wrapped in leafy husks.
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Basket Drivers

bizarro 01-17-16 hdrWEB

(To instigate the embiggification process, click a limb of any mammal in any image.)Bizarro 01-17-16 WEB

Bizarro is brought to you today by Fortune Telling Cartoons.

Today’s double-wide Sunday cartoon is simple but I like it. You may need to click the cartoon to instigate the embiggification process in order to fully get the gag.

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I don’t fish anymore and have no interest in it but I used to as a kid so I know of what I speak. I suspect the lack of activity is exactly what many avid fishermen like. I don’t eat fish, either, and never have in any large quantities because I can’t stand the way anything that lives in water tastes. That includes all species of fish (saltwater or freshwater) shellfish, squid, octopus, and seaweed. It all has the same horrendous, foul, rotted-flesh taste to me. I’ve tried many times over the course of my life to learn to like it but have come to the conclusion that my revulsion toward it is genetically programmed. I also firmly believe that the oceans are being systematically destroyed by commercial fishing and since the oceans are the engine of weather on our planet, the prognosis isn’t good. I also dislike the fact that fish are left to suffocate when we catch them. It has always bothered me that there is no way to put a fish out of its misery quickly and humanely. Oops. I just took all the fun out of this cartoon, didn’t I? Sorry.
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Silly Sauce

Bizarro is brought to you today by My Dad and Me in 1974.Bizarro 06-21-15 hdrWEB Bizarro 06-21-15 WEBIf you’re wondering what this gag is about, it may be because you don’t know that an Appaloosa is a popular breed of horse. I only know this because I watched a lot of westerns with my dad when I was a kid, which, from my perspective, makes this a good cartoon for Father’s Day. Over the years I’ve often put a “Happy Father’s Day, Dad!” message along the border of my cartoons for this day but in this case I was unaware it would be Father’s Day when this published (I’m required to submit Sunday cartoons many weeks ahead of the print date) so it didn’t happen. Doesn’t mean I don’t love you, Dad!bz panel 06-15-15I’m not normally jealous of the lives of cats, but when I see them sleeping I often wish I could be as comfortable as they obviously are. The key is flexibility, I think, and I’ve never been a flexible person. I’ve been taking yoga a few times a week now for nearly three years and though I’ve improved a LOT, I’m still not very flexible by human standards. Just genetically cursed in that regard, I think.bz panel 06-16-15This dental one is a goofy gag and a goofy drawing but it made me chuckle so I offer it to you. Sometimes goofy is just what I need. On a side note, “Gene” seems like a terribly “white” name, doesn’t it? I’m guessing there aren’t many black men named Gene.bz panel 06-17-15One of the things I enjoyed about the many westerns I watched as a kid was the seemingly magical ability of Indians to track people. I especially liked it when they would put their ear to the ground and tell you how many riders were coming and how close they were. What?! I’m guessing that was a Hollywood fabrication but maybe some people could actually do that, what do I know?bz panel 06-18-15I like this gag a lot because I’ve always thought that the “official” American attitude towards sex and nudity causes a lot more problems than it solves. Having been raised in such a sexually repressive and puritanical society, I find myself uncomfortable with it, too, but that doesn’t keep me from seeing how ridiculous it is. Like author Chris Ryan, PhD., (Sex at Dawn) I suspect that the societal sexual oppression of teenage boys is what causes a lot of misogyny and abuse of women. If teenagers (of both sexes) were allowed to experiment with sex with proper birth control and disease protection, but without the negative stigma of labels like “slut” and all the antiquated religious nonsense that we’ve whipped up over the centuries, people would be better adjusted and society would be subjected to less aberrant behavior. Just my humble opinion.bz panel 06-19-15I first submitted this cartoon back in the 2000s, during W. Bush’s presidency and amid his whirlwind of lies about Iraq. My editor at that time wouldn’t let me publish it because he said I couldn’t say, in effect, that the president was full of shit, as it would lead to cancellations in conservative markets. Times have changed, however, and this time the cartoon sailed through without so much as an eyebrow twitch. I don’t know if it is because liberals are much less sensitive to derision than their conservative counterparts (which I believe is true) or if it is just a less controversial notion that all politicians lie. Back then, many Americans were on a patriotic witchhunt for anyone not supporting the war, too, so that might have been part of it. The editor who made that decision passed away some years ago so I can’t ask him.bz panel 06-20-15My last offering this week is this lovely festival queen. No back story here, just a little giggle.
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Suey Horse Locker Hillbilly

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Bizarro is brought to you today by The Power of Art.

 

As with most things in life, Chinese food is about your point of view.

(That sounds like it means something deep but I’ve no idea what it might be.)

(Get a print of this cartoon here.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love Westerns but I always hate it when they shoot a horse. This cartoon doesn’t bother me as much, though, because when I was a kid I was bitten by a sawhorse and I’ve hated them ever since. (Get a print of this cartoon here.) (more…)

Smoky Chubby

(Are you among the six or seven people who would like to see this cartoon bigger? Then just click on any Indian’s butt.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Smoke.

One of my favorite readers is a young fella called Victor. He first sent me some cartoon ideas of his when he was a wee tyke of about 13 or 14. I’ve been using a few of his ideas each year ever since. These days, I use even more than a few. Now he’s a big, grown-up lug of a human in his last year of college. My, how time flies. Especially when you’re as drunk as I usually am. (more…)

Holiday High Jinks

Nowadays, virtually everyone knows that Christopher Columbus was not a hero, but a despot of the first order. Here’s what I was taught in public school verses the truth:

1. Columbus was trying to prove the world was round. TRUTH: In CC’s day, Europeans knew the world was round, the debate was how big around it was. Some thought it was very large, which was correct, others thought it was quite small and you could get to Asia more quickly by sailing west. CC was in the wrong camp. (more…)