Flying Mammals

(To escape the cruelties of a reality without embiggenation, click the bat’s nose.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Not Jazz Pickles.

I’ve done a lot of cartoons about superheroes but they never possess the qualities that I loved about them as a kid: power, intelligence, strength, coolness, etc.  Somehow, I find it much more enjoyable to poke fun at them than to draw comics that glorify them as heroes.

I’ve done so many superhero cartoons that a few years ago I published an entire book of my superhero satires, which you can buy here. You may be surprised to learn––as I was when I put that book together––that the word “superhero” is actually trademarked or something, which is why I had to name the book “Bizarro Heroes,” instead of “superheroes”. I was not happy about that but there really is no adequate substitute word.

Incidentally, people often ask me what the joke in the title panel means (first picture, above) and here’s the deal; the title panel appears next to my comic in the Sunday color comics supplement of some markets. It’s really only meant to be a title box that tells you what cartoon you’re about to read. Here’s an example from “Zits”.  It can be a joke, but it doesn’t have to be. So sometimes I just create a fun picture, and sometimes I use a piece of an old cartoon which may have a little joke to it. Here’s the old Bizarro that today’s title panel came from.

This cartoon was inspired by my hatred of the way airlines do business. Just recently, Olive Oyl went back to the U.S. for a week and filled up a suitcase with some stuff we can’t get here in Mexico. The suitcase weighed 76 lbs. and they charged her $220 to check it, which is almost enough to buy it a seat in the passenger compartment. If she’d divided it into two smaller suitcases, it would have been the same amount of weight and taken up even more room in the cargo compartment, but they would have charged her less than half that amount to check it. Sure, makes perfect sense.

Here’s a cartoon I did a few years back about a similar inequity. No other industry gets away with this kind of random charging structure but we’re so used to it with airlines that we just go along with it. Of course, what choice do we have if we want to fly?

Here’s a little pro cartooning tip: A well-placed catcher’s mitt can alleviate your need to draw an embarrassing crotch lump. You’re welcome.

Lately, I’ve been having a lot of fun exploring some pretty surreal premises like this one about chicken legs.  If you like this kind of humor, spray champagne over each other championship-locker-room-style because there are quite a few more heading your way in the coming weeks.

Some conservative type harrassed me on social media regarding this cartoon by saying something about liberals not being able to be trusted to bring fetuses to full term so blah blah blah, something stupid. I responded by observing that conservatives are obsessed with bringing unwanted children to term but then insist on completely abandoning them once they’re born. No help for poor or middle-class folks with birth control, no help with abortion, no help feeding, housing, or educating the child, no help providing them with healthcare which only the very wealthy can afford, etc. Historically and statistically, when you remove both birth control and abortion services for the not-wealthy, you get a big spike in crime 15 years later. Somehow, Republicans of this sort just can’t imagine how those two things could be connected.

Yes, this cartoon caused a shitstorm on social media, but I knew it would. I don’t read 99% of the negative comments on my social media so whatever they said about me didn’t stick.

One thing a lot of people mentioned was that this story about GW and the cherry tree is mythology in the first place and therefore an early example of fake news. That’s true––although it was written after Washington’s death and so it was more a case of hero worship after the fact as opposed to an attempt to change people’s perception of a given politician during his career, as fake news is used today–– but regardless, I still don’t see how that fact is relevant to this cartoon. I sense that most people who mentioned this were just proud of themselves for knowing it isn’t a true story.

Other people pointed out that the Founding Fathers were similar in many ways to racists of today because they owned slaves, counted black men as three-fifths of a person in the Constitution, etc. and they are correct. I still think if the Founding Fathers could see Trump in today’s context, most would dig their way out of their graves and slap the crap out of every American who voted for him.

Another person asked about the different font in the balloon, which is a legitimate question. I did that to be sure the reader knew it was a tweet, and not a voice speaking through his cell phone, or whatever.

I’ll admit I’m very proud of this cartoon. It satirizes the Cheeto Mussolini and his spoiled-rich-brat style of communication about any journalism that doesn’t directly serve or flatter him, and the “ALT” aspect of the caption box calls to mind his affiliation with the “alt-right movement,” which is a sanitized name for racists and anti-semites. I don’t think any of us should stop talking about the fact that we have a Nazi-sympathizing, racist, misogynist, lying, sexual predator in the White House until he and his kind are gone. That may take a good, long time, but let’s keep our fingers crossed and hope for a miracle.

This cartoon has a fundamental error in that Spongebob actually lives underwater and his clothes fit him fine in that state. So if he ventured onto dry land, as he dried out his clothes would become too large and fall off of him. I didn’t do the cartoon that way because who wants to see his tiny, dry, square penis? Not me.

I hope you enjoyed this week’s funnies, Jazz Pickles. If you’d like to feel the deep sense of satisfaction that comes from supporting the art and ideas that you enjoy, please consider one of the ways below that you can help keep the lights on here at Rancho Bizarro. THERE ARE SOME HOLIDAYS COMING UP AND SOME OF THE STUFF LISTED BELOW WOULD MAKE TERRIFIC GIFTS!

Until next time, be happy, be smart, be nice, and resist fascism. 

Dangerous Magic

(If thou desires embiggenation, thee must no more than click the image of thine desire.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Dangerous Magic.

It was another wild week at Rancho Bizarro. One of my cartoons caused an uproar of praise and condemnation from both sides of the trench (“aisle” seems too civilized for today’s political atmosphere) but more about that in a bit. And also my new home country of Mexico gave us a surprise gift in the form of this thing that popped up spontaneously in one of the flower pots that was already on our patio when we bought the place. I believe they call that a “volunteer”. Thank you, Madre Naturaleza.

Today’s super-size Sunday comic is about the dangers of magic. I have no doubt that this cartoon occurred to me entirely because I grew up watching The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show, during which Bullwinkle would regularly pull dangerous animals out of his magician’s top hat. (Click the “Dangerous Magic” link above for an example.)

But in a larger sense, belief is a very strange and powerful thing in humans. We clearly need to believe in things that comfort us––hence the very existence of religion––but it also benefits us in many ways. Countless studies consistently demonstrate the power of placebo; that is to say that if you believe you are taking or doing something that will heal you, you very often will actually get better. The effects are somewhat limited in many ways and you may not be cured, but your belief about your illness or injury (and your treatment) are undeniably of major importance with demonstrable results. There is no point to my bringing this up other than that it interests me.

The genesis of this cartoon was that Olive Oyl and I were at Chris and Mitchell’s house and Chris gave O2 some sesame seeds for a recipe she was planning, but they weren’t toasted and we realized we didn’t have a sesame seed toaster. We chuckled over it and Chris said something about it perhaps making a good cartoon. You be the judge if Chris was right.

This cartoon about the Foundering Fathers caused the stir I mentioned in the opening of this post. Mainly, it got a LOT of likes and positive comments but it also got some negative responses both from expected and unexpected places. Generally, the responses can be placed in three categories:

  1. People who have compassion for members of society who have historically been pushed to the edges thought it was a funny, clever way to say that everyone in the U.S. should enjoy the same rights.
  2. People who wanted to critique the cartoon as though it were a history textbook wanted me to know that the men who wrote the Bill of Rights dressed that way because it was the style of the day and not because they were trans-anything. And others in the same general camp wanted me to know that the Founding Fathers would hate modern day liberals and that everyone already has the same rights and people should stop whining for special rights and privileges, and just be who God intended them to be.
  3. People who are for transgender rights but criticized the cartoon and me because it isn’t an accurate representation of transgender people, and that it leads people to believe that transgenders are nothing more than men who like to play dress up, which is a common misunderstanding by many people in group 2 above.

I’ll try to keep this brief but I’ve never succeeded before, so I’ll apologize ahead of time. This is a topic I care about and one that has a LOT of moving parts.

To group 1: Thanks, you got it. The only point I was trying to make is that all Americans should be granted the same rights and respect as long as nobody is getting hurt. Being different always leads to scorn by the small-minded and insecure but it needn’t and shouldn’t. That’s among the things that laws and bills of rights are meant to protect.

To group 2: This cartoon is not a history lesson. I know why they dressed the way they did and that they actually didn’t even intend for these rights to apply to everyone. Many of them owned human beings, for god’s sake. The rights in those documents were only guaranteed to land-owning, white males, and the guns they were guaranteeing Americans could bear in “a well regulated militia” were ancient, manual-load rifles from which one could, with enough practice, perhaps get off two shots per minute. I don’t personally think that the Founding Fathers were gods incapable of error, or possessed magical powers enabling them to see into the future and design the Constitution and Bill of Rights to account for every eventuality. And therefore, I think looking to them and their original intentions to dictate (rather than “guide”) our current laws is as foolish as looking to the Bible to determine what method of treatment you should seek if you’ve been diagnosed with epilepsy. Good luck with that.

To group 3: When I create cartoons about rights for people outside the mainstream, I always get a small number of complaints from the very people whom I trying to support. At first I was surprised but now I’m starting to expect it. I fully realize that these complaints often come from the fact that transgender people (and many other non-hetero folks) have been maligned, ridiculed, attacked, prejudiced against and denied all kinds of things by the mainstream and so they want to be respected and understood and object when people describe them with inaccurate stereotypes. Fair enough. But the landscape of sexual possibilities is so large (and growing daily) that I sense that all you can realistically expect is respect; complete understanding will likely only come from people who are close enough to the issue to want to investigate the various names and definitions of the myriad orientations and situations. Most of us who support your struggle but aren’t facing those struggles ourselves probably aren’t going to concentrate on the details; we’re mostly just going to fall on the side of rights for everyone. I understand that my cartoon is not an accurate representation of transgender people but, only so much can be accomplished in a space that small. It’s not a pamphlet or a textbook or a documentary, it’s a simple connection between two topics that causes most people to smile and reminds everyone that this is an ongoing civil rights issue that is worth knowing about. I think that’s a good thing. If you insist that all references to these issues be completely accurate (by your personal definitions and standards) even in the case of cartoons, you’re going to eliminate a large amount of references entirely, including this cartoon; the gag would have vanished with the accuracy. In my view, reminding people of this issue is more important than getting the details exactly right and here’s why: Those readers who are for equal rights already know that transgenders are not just playing dress up and whining for special treatment, and those who are against equal rights will never care enough to understand the difference anyway.

And, finally, here’s why bathroom laws matter: Human sexuality is not a black and white issue, nor is it a frivolous choice that people make about what they want to do in bed. Each person’s sexual orientation is innate, genetically programmed, and an enormous part of who we are. In short, you didn’t choose what kind of person would turn you on sexually and neither does anyone else. If you’re a garden-variety heterosexual, you may not realize how important your sexual orientation is to your identity because it likely has never been challenged or scorned. Non-heterosexuals do not have that luxury.

Furthermore, human sexuality is extremely diverse and impossibly complex, and there are so many different orientations and preferences that you can’t hope to name and define them all, in spite of our almost comical attempts to do so. It’s not just gay or straight––it’s 10,000 things on a sliding scale that reaches out in a hundred different directions at once like a 200-year-old oak tree. My point is that there are far more people outside of the traditional heterosexual paradigm that society has labeled as “normal” than the average person who doesn’t hang out with the out-of-the-closet-crowd would ever guess. Far more. So to label someone that is different from you as a “pervert” to be scorned and feared, is both childish and inaccurate, and if you’re using your religion as an excuse to do so, it is archaically superstitious. People with epilepsy were commonly thought to be possessed by a demon. If you’re in the habit of openly disparaging non-heterosexuals, I can virtually guarantee you’ve unknowingly called your own friends and relatives perverts, and they probably smiled and took it on the chin out of fear of being ostracized by their community and loved ones. Congratulations. That is exactly what leads to large numbers of suicides among non-heterosexuals.

Opponents of equal rights for LGBTQs, routinely use the fear of encouraging sexual predators to hang out in women’s public restrooms as a reason for these “bathroom laws”. This is a complete red herring. National crime statistics do NOT in any way, shape, or form bear this out, in fact, they contradict this notion entirely. People who wish to commit crimes against women and children are not discouraged by restroom laws, and why would they be? It’s always been against the law to assault women and children, and that doesn’t stop them––why would a silly little bathroom law deter their violent urges?  What crime statistics DO show, however, is that transgender people who use public restrooms that do not match their “look” are regularly insulted, assaulted, and killed. If your concern for public safety is authentic and not just a disguise for your bigotry against people who are different from you, you should be voting for laws that allow people to use the facility that matches their sexual identity, not a box on their birth certificate. Period.

Many people have asked what civil rights are being denied to transgenders and the simple answer is the right to use a public restroom without being insulted, attacked, or killed. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Keep in mind that this same “imaginary predator” excuse was used to prevent blacks from being allowed to use the same restrooms as whites, and in propaganda campaigns against homosexuals. None of these arguments has any basis in reality.

I’ve had aquariums full of fish before but I always find them pretty boring. Once we had an African River Frog in an aquarium with water and he was sort of interesting. He made very strange noises late at night that echoed all over through house and that you wouldn’t immediately associate with a frog.


Someone commented on this cartoon that VHS is digital. I guess I don’t know the difference. It’s not a great cartoon anyway, so whatever.

This is my personal favorite cartoon of the week. Some readers asked what it meant, what’s the deal with the hat, that sort of thing. Others immediately got the subtext, that Moby was acting like a dick. A few others pointed out that Moby, the modern-day celebrity musician, is a descendent of Herman Melville, who wrote Moby Dick, and that’s where his nickname, and his real name Richard Melville Hall came from. (If you’re not familiar with the basic premise of the classic novel, Moby Dick, this cartoon probably escapes you entirely. Time to visit Wikipedia.)

Lastly, I know Moby personally and have hung out with him a few times, though not in recent years. We’re more acquaintances than friends, but from what I can tell he’s a pretty nice guy, so this cartoon is not meant to be a character judgement of Moby. (Although Captain Ahab could definitely be an obsessive jackass.)

This cartoon about the abstract Egyptians reports to have 27 secret symbols. If you can’t find them all, take another look at the publication date.

Thanks for reading this far, Jazz Pickles. Please have a look below at the ways in which you can keep me eating and drawing daily! Until next week, be safe, be smart, be nice.

Dummy Ashes Jowl Reading

bz panel 04-21-14bz strip 04-21-14bz panel 04-22-14bz strip 04-22-14bz panel 04-23-14




Bizarro is brought to you today by Grandpa Spent Too Much Time Alone in the Basement.


After all these years I still enjoy coming up with a new angle on one of the traditional cartoon cliches. I started with the idea of a ventriloquist’s dummy begging and then my lovely and enchanting girlfriend, Olive Oyl, and I riffed for a bit before coming up with the right line for his sign. I can’t believe this idea hasn’t been done before but I couldn’t find one on the Truthernet, so I did it.







To head off a few of the emails and comments I will get asking me what this second gag means, it doesn’t mean anything. It’s just that I thought it would be funny to have a discount crematorium that gives you the ashes in a bag instead of an urn or whatever. Personally, I’d like to be buried (without a coffin or embalming) in a garden to fertilize the plants, but I hear that’s illegal. The strip version of this cartoon has a couple of extra stores which are worth checking out. Click on it to see a bigger image.










My good buddy and fellow NCS member, Dan McConnell came up with this iFace gag. I thought it was both amusing and a valuable cautionary tale. To check out more of his wacky shenanigans and monkeyshines, check out his FB page.




bz 08-09-97 subwayWEB




BIZARCHAEOLOGY: This cartoon from 1997 was written and drawn before I lived in NYC, but after a visit there. There are a lot of odd advertisements above the seats on NYC subways, but this isn’t one of them, as far as I know.

Shag Dark Ghost Corpse

Bizarro is brought to you today by Pilgrims and Indians.

Well, if all goes as planned, today is Thanksgiving Day in the U.S.  The holiday supported by a coloring book story about pilgrims and native Americans getting together peacefully (for the last time?) to have dinner and give thanks or something. We celebrate this by, and as an ethical vegan I cannot resist saying this, slaughtering millions of innocent beings who’ve lived their short lives in uncomfortable captivity so we can gorge ourselves like gluttons. In December, the massacre starts all over again in the name of “peace on Earth.” Whatever.

Here now, because it is what I do for a living, are some cartoons from this week. I hope you gaze upon them with amusement. A couple of these cartoons have to do with the holiday, the others don’t. Does anyone care? Of course not.

I’m taking a few days off myself, rare for a self-employed cartoonist with an unrelenting daily deadline, so I’m cutting this post short. Enjoy your holiday, Jazz Pickles, and if you’re dining with family members, try, for once, to keep your opinions to yourself and thereby the cranberry sauce and gravy out of your lap.

‘Tater Brick Sketch

Bizarro is brought to you today by Couch Potato with Cheese.

This gag is a collaboration between myself and Andy Cowan, former writer for Seinfeld, Cheers, 3rd Rock from the Sun, and some other stuff. He had a different idea about what the last panel should say, or what you should call people who are always on their phone in public, but I won because it’s my cartoon. Sorry, Andy.

Ideally, Andy and I would like this phrase to catch on nationally. I’ll need the help of all of my Jazz Pickles, of course, so if you share my vision, every time you see someone paying attention to their phone instead of the real world around them, call them a “palm potato.” If it worms its way into the lexicon, we can claim we did this together. Won’t that be fun?

Another term I’d like you to help me spread across the globe is “nilla.” This is to be used when a white person is generally addressing another white person. As in: Nilla be crazy, Who’s my nilla? etc.  Okay, get to it!

Now that we’re on the subject of cell phone use, here’s a handy invention of mine that will combine your exercise routine with your palm potato-ness. If you like the idea (and admit it, you do), this is your lucky day. I’m offering this special discount to Jazz Pickles only: deposit $20 in my PayPal tip jar (upper right corner of this blog page) and I’ll mail you a couple of rubber bands you can use to strap your phone to a brick of your choice. That’s only half the price of the advertised product, plus the shipping!

Now we come to the man who arrived at the doctor’s too late. Poor man. I don’t know what’s wrong with him but it is clearly too late to do anything for him. Unless he goes to a fully-drawn doctor immediately. But of course, that would cost too much money for a man who does not even own pants.



Finally, here is one of my favorite gags in a while, also a collaboration with Mr. Cowan. Next time you see a “dip” sign, look for the chips. They can’t be far away.








Toll Phone Super Tramp

Bizarro is brought to you today by Pickup Artist.

It’s funny how men just buy stuff for women they find attractive. CHNW will be standing at a lunch counter waiting for a take-out order, which usually includes lunch for me, her husband, and she’ll strike up a conversation with some guy standing there waiting for his food, too, and when her bill comes, he’ll pay for it. She says, “thanks,” gathers her food and comes home. And of course, she never has to pay for a drink in a bar if she doesn’t want to. I guess I should send her car shopping sometime and see if she can score a new BMW. This doesn’t happen to men so I’ve no idea what it must be like. And I’ve never tried this approach on women myself, so I don’t know if it ever pays off. Perhaps there are women who will sleep with a stranger because he bought them something. I don’t think I’d be interested in a woman like that. I want a woman who is attracted to me for my thrift.

For some stupid reason, when I drew the cartoon at left, I used the term “PDA” instead of “phone.” That’s the way it appeared in newspapers. A reader wrote to me and asked if anyone still says PDA, and why I didn’t just say “phone.” Of course. Duh. I don’t know what I was thinking. So I changed it for this post. I’ll have to remember that if this cartoon ever gets into a book.

Speaking of books, I have a really fun new book out, all about comic book super heroes. Please order a bunch for holiday gifts or whatever. If this damn thing doesn’t sell, I’ll be living in a box under the Brooklyn Bridge and never get another publishing contract. The book comes with my personal guarantee: If you don’t think this is a terrific product, I’ll personally give you permission to just get rid of it and forget all about it.

Buy it now at a discount!


To complete today’s post, here is another cartoon about a pick-up artist. I’ve never hit on a woman in a bar in my life, and I’ve spent most of my 78 years in bars. I suppose it is because I don’t trust women who go home with guys they met in a bar. Being introduced to someone through a mutual acquaintance is a different thing altogether, but to walk up to a woman in a bar with some line makes me feel like a stalker. It just seems really creepy. Although the biggest reason people under a certain age even go to bars is to be picked up so I’m obviously being too judgmental. I guess it just isn’t my thing.

If you’re a woman who has been successfully picked up in a bar, let me know what the guy said as in introduction. I can’t think of anything that doesn’t reek of Ted Bundy.

Buy my latest book at a discount HERE!!!!!!

Comedy in the Computer Age

(Magically make this cartoon bigger by clicking the word “someone!”)

Bizarro is brought to you today by The Garden of Eden.

I’m a Mac guy, as virtually all professional artists are because Apple’s products are the standard in our industry, and so virtually all of my computer-related gags are about Apple products. The only time I’ve ever used a PC is when I check my email at my parent’s house and I always have to get my dad to remind me how to turn it on.

With today’s iProd cartoon, I thought it might be a good time to do a mini-review of some of the Apple gags I’ve done in the past few years. Just in case you missed some or want to email them to your computer geek friends.

This cartoon from last August was something of an inspiration for today’s cartoon, of course. Nothing more to say about it than that.

The iPhone 5 comic below was pretty popular when it was published last year.  I was very sad to hear of Steve Jobs’ death earlier this month. Many commentators compared him to Edison and Ford, but Edison was a thief (read about the life of Nikola Tesla) and Ford was a racist (ask any Jew). I’d rather compare him to Da Vinci.

A couple of the best things about Apple computers is that they don’t crash until they are old and ready to be replaced, and they don’t get viruses. That’s what this cartoon is about, of course. I don’t know much about how computers work other than that they are more than 50% voodoo, so I’m not sure if Macs don’t get viruses because of they way they are designed or because people who design viruses only go after PCs. If you know the answer to this, leave it in the comments section. I’ve always wondered.

This cartoon from ’07 is one of my most popular in recent years. It was a collaboration between myself and a cartoonist friend by the name of Phil Witte. Not surprisingly, a lot of churches contacted me to ask if they could include this cartoon on their web site or in their church bulletin.

People sometimes ask why I use so many religious images in my comics since I am atheist. The answer is simple: cartoons are often about a different “take” on common knowledge or experience, and popular mythology is a rich vein of common knowledge. Plus, these fables were created because they say something about the human condition. What more could you ask for as a jumping-off point for satire?

All of these Bizarro cartoons and thousands more can be found on dandy products of all kinds. Perfect for holiday gifts, come to think of it!

Clones, Babies, Honey, Mom

Bizarro is brought to you today by How To Treat Heat Prostration.

I have been remiss in my blogging responsibilities of late. Spending a week one block from Hell will do that to a person. I was in Texas and Oklahoma visiting family and experienced the daily 100+ degrees of what is being called “the worst heat wave in the history of this area this month.” Oklahoma isn’t actually Hell, but you can easily walk to it from there. Daily highs averaged around 106, the high temperature I experienced was 111 degrees on Saturday. At midnight, when the city was quiet and temps are still in the high 90s, you could hear Satan laughing as he watched reruns of Two and a Half Men. It was chilling, but not in a way that made it any cooler.

Local politicians are making a big deal out of telling people to “pray for rain” and lower temps. It’s funny to me that Republicans claim to have a monopoly on friendship with “God” but it’s the red states that god smites with the worst weather. The Texas/Oklahoma heat wave/drought this year, multiple hurricanes in Florida, Katrina in Louisiana. I’d revisit that relationship if I were them. Or pick up a science book and find out what actually causes weather.

Now that I’m back in NYC, I’ll be blogging more often. These four cartoons will get us caught up to date. Though a parent is always reticent to admit a favorite among their children, my favorite among this group is probably the dyslexia joke because I like cartoons that you have to think about for a few seconds. I expected to get some complaints from sufferers of dsyleixa, or, more likely, the parents of children with dyslexia. I usually do in these cases, but not so far. Fingers crossed.

Oh, I almost forgot. My dad told me about a new state law that is as dumb as we have come to expect from Oklahoma politicians: drivers under the age of 18 are forbidden from texting while driving. But not over 18. Sure. Makes perfect sense.

Buy some cool products with cool Bizarro cartoons on them and feel better about yourself by clicking here.

Home Again

Bizarro is brought to you today by Homemade Father’s Day Gifts.

It’s been a long ten days since I was here at Bizarro International Headquarters working on my blog. Ah, sweet reunion. Following are the cartoons I missed posting, for your infotainment. (Wow. “Infotainment” is not flagged by WordPress as being misspelled.)

I’ll be back to my regular blogging verbosity in the coming days. Come on back, y’hear?



























































You can find these and just about any other Bizarro cartoon on dandy products here.