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Family Demon Oil

mediocrityRulesMultiSM1Don’t miss your chance to wear this adorable shirt (as seen in a Bizarro comic) which tells the world you don’t approve. Only NINE days left, then it’s gone forever! Have a look.

 

Bizarro is brought to you today by Getting Help.Bizarro 06-29-14 Hedr WEB

Family Circus is one of the most parodied cartoons in history. The simple wholesomeness of it is irresistible to sarcastic jackasses like me and there are a number of FC memes––like Billy’s habit of leaving dotted lines everywhere he walks––that make it “easy pickins”. I’ve done a handful in the past and thought I’d gotten it out of my system but then this idea occurred to me and I couldn’t resist. I’m friends with Jeff Keane, better known by FC readers as “Jeffy,” and was friends with his late father, the creator of FC, Bil Keane. They’ve always enjoyed FC spoofs, so I knew I was in safe waters when I submitted this one. I drew the comic exactly as Jeff would, who has taken over the strip for his dad, but I took the liberty of redecorating their house with five of my own Bizarro secret symbols. My favorite touch is PJ crying. Lord only knows what horrible sights he witnessed to upset him so.Bizarro 06-29-14 WEB (more…)

Escape Photo Evidence Beer

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Bizarro is brought to you today by Where Jazz Pickles Go To Mate.

 

One enduring question of evolution is why sea creatures began slithering onto land. In the first cartoon of this post, I present my theory.

 

 

 

 

 

My second cartoon today is another of my Bigfoot renditions, of which I’ve done many. A few people have asked me what this one means, exactly. If you are one of those who are wondering, I would ask if you’ve ever tried to get a good picture of Bigfoot. (more…)

Books Hallucinations Grammar

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Bizarro is brought to you today by Modern Survival Strategies.

 

Drawing bookstores and libraries is a chore. So are lawyers offices. Anywhere with tons of books on shelves is a huge pain in the donkey. But I persist in my tireless toiling to bring you the finest humor I can because I care about your day. (Oh, look, there’s a Tip Jar in the right margin of this blog!) The nice thing about it is, however, that it gives me plenty of places to hide “secret symbols.” Between the panel and strip version of Monday’s cartoon, there are 11. Happy hunting! (more…)

Love You To Death

Bizarro 10-13-13 WEB1 (You may enbiggenate this cartoon by clicking on the detective’s gold shield.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Love and Death.

Some may find today’s cartoon a bit morbid, but it is my firm belief that most elderly couples who’ve been together for decades secretly wish each other dead.

From an anthropological perspective, humans are not meant to be “married” for more than 20 years. The biological purpose of marriage and monogamy is to ensure the man that any child the woman has belongs to him and ensure the woman that she’ll have help raising her incredibly slow-growing offspring. But since we humans are impossibly complex, mutant apes, we’ve built myriad other functions and expectations into the marriage relationship. Now that we live so much longer than we used to, it causes problems. (more…)

The Ex Factor

bz panel 06-07-13Bizarro is brought to you by The Next Cake.

At my ripe old age, after several decades as an adult and two divorces, I’m pretty cynical about marriage. For years, when I have (reluctantly) attended the wedding of people in their 20s, I cannot help but think to myself, The first marriage is often the most important. I try to keep these thoughts to myself in the reception line, however, and just offer them my congratulations. (more…)

Identity Thieves

bz panel 06-05-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Couples Who Look Alike.

They say that if a couple is together long enough, they begin to look like each other. The couple in this cartoon has taken that to another level.

The truth is that because of a biological phenomenon called “imprinting” (which occurs in most species) we tend to be attracted to people whose faces resemble those we imprinted on when we were infants. That is most often a family member, so we grow up unknowingly being attracted to people with similar coloring and facial organization as ourselves. When people get old, they lose their sexuality to some degree and men and women look more androgynous, at which point, elderly couples can often look like siblings. Now, before people start writing in saying, “Not true. My husband is a 300-pound black man and I am a 79-pound, blonde eskimo,” I’m not talking about every single couple. It’s just a rule of thumb and once you learn it, you’ll begin seeing it in the couples around you, young and old. Maybe even in your own relationships. (more…)

Booty Cast Thug Idea Exam Blur

Bizarro is brought to you today by Grizzly Bear Coin Purse.

You’ve stumbled upon this week’s roundup of Bizarro cartoons. First up is this silly little ditty by my known associate, Wayno of Pittsburgh. I love this gag and it makes me realize how much has changed in recent years. Not long ago, women worried about have a large butt. Now, with superstar-mondo-caboose celebs like J-Lo and Kim Kardashian, many women wish their butts were bigger. It’s always nice to have a role model, no matter what your body type, I suppose. Here’s what Wayno has to say about this collaboration. (more…)

Farewell To Arms (Groan)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Mr. Lizard Head.

I don’t have time to write much today because I’m off in a few minutes for day two of the taping of my super secret TV pilot. It’s super secret for now, but if the network that ordered the pilot likes what we shoot, they’ll sign on for a season and I’ll become an instant publicity whore just like everyone else in this business. (more…)

Loser Dingbat Sexy Hoax Pop-Tart Museum

Bizarro is brought to you today by Gay Police Raids.

It’s been a quiet week in Lake Wobegon but that has nothing to do with me so I’m not going to get into it right now.

Instead, let’s talk about this week in Bizarro cartoons. Have you ever met anyone like Jason, who has virtually no chance of holding any kind of meaningful position in the world? If not, just go to one of your high school reunions and you’ll meet quite a few. As for me, my high school was full of independent-thinking, creative types and all of them (like myself) are scattered around the planet and too wrapped up in their own lives to organize reunions with any kind of regularity. Or, perhaps they just don’t invite me. Hmmm. (more…)

Teeth Pie Cat Marriage Pain Sleep

 

 

 

 

 

Bizarro is brought to you today by Previous Pie Perpetration.

As predicted, the second cartoon in this lineup, which appeared in papers on Tuesday, confused a lot of readers. To understand it, you  have to both be a regular reader of Bizarro and connect it to this first cartoon, which appeared in papers on Monday. (more…)

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