A Bird in the Hand


Bizarro is brought to you today by Lifestyle Choices.Bizarro 07-26-15 hdrWEBBizarro 07-26-15 WEBRegarding the above cartoon, one reader left the following comment: “The idea of advocating romantic relationships between species is disgusting and exactly what the Christian Right predicted would happen if we legalized gay marriage!” Okay, that reader was me, but I wish I’d gotten that complaint because it’s funny.bz panel 07-20-15I’ve long called martial arts “the pajama arts” but I mean no insult by it. I find it fascinating that a barefooted person wearing pajamas can beat the crap out of someone with a baseball bat, wearing protective gear and ass-kicking boots. Or at least, that’s how it happens in the movies.bz panel 07-21-15This coffee gag is one that has doubtless been thought of a million times and I did a version of it way back in the early 90s myself. But it’s fun, people like it, and my job is to amuse my readers not stroke my own ego with my clever originality, so here it is.
bz panel 07-22-15I’m simple minded so I like to think of karma as a literal leveling force that rewards good and bad people appropriately and immediately. If that were true, however, Donald Trump would’ve lost his fortune overnight and be the only white dude on an all-Latino landscaping crew.bz panel 07-23-15If you’re from somewhere in the world other than the Southern United States, this gag might elude you because you don’t know that waitresses in those areas often call everyone “Hon,” which is short for “Honey”. And the guy in the chair is Attila the Hun, of course. A super simple gag, but it makes me laugh.bz panel 07-24-15Here’s some fun with a street food vendor. Or maybe he isn’t a “food” vendor. Or maybe the umbrellas are made of lunchmeat. We may never know.bz panel 07-25-15Lastly this week, we have the palm reader who takes her job very literally. This is the only kind of palm reader I would trust, but that’s just me.

Art & Self Defense

Bizarro 08-25-13 WEB




(For enlargering, click the Martian’s pjhxrn.)

This Bizarro cartoon is brought to you by Knowledge.

Today’s cartoon stars my lovely and badass SpecialLadyFriend, Klamelda. I chose her for this role not because she is beautiful, smart, and funny, but because she’s also a 3rd degree black belt in Karate. For reals, pickles. I think she’s also the top-ranked active female in the state of California in her style of Karate, the name of which I can never remember. Sounds like a sushi dish. (It’s a type that does not break planks of wood or piles of bricks, by the way.) She actually wears black Karate pajamas (don’t know how to spell the name of those outfits, sounds like “gee” with a hard “g”) which you can only do if you’re a black belt. But I used white jammies for this image so that readers would immediately recognize it as a martial arts outfit. Sometimes cartoonists have to rely on stereotypes to keep the reader from stumbling on their way to the punch line. I made the place purple to make up for putting her in white pajamas because that’s her favorite color.

There are many wonderful things about Klamelda, not the least of which is that finally, after three decades as an adult, I can leave the house at night and feel safe. Thanks, sweetheart!

bizarro 08-25-13 hedrHere, of course, is the title panel that appeared with this cartoon in some newspapers, depending on which of the many formats they use for their Sunday comics.





PreBIZTORICALS: As I was posting this, an old cartoon of mine about karate came to mind so I thought I’d throw it in as a bonus. The funniest thing about this one is that I got a letter from an angry reader who thought this cartoon encouraged violence toward women, “which is already a big enough problem these days.” Gosh. I didn’t see that coming. I’m speechless.

Bz panel 03-03-08karateWEB