(For an embiggenated version of the cartoon below, click the pig.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Creepy Christmas.

(Sung to the tune of “Old MacDonald”.)  Farmer Ahab had a farm, E-I-E-I-O. And on this farm he tried to harpoon a cute fluffy little baby peep, O-my-effing-god.  (Stop singing now and good luck trying to get that tune out of your head for the next several hours.)

Other mistakes that off-duty clowns sometimes make is leaving their DNA behind at the scene of a crime.

(I assume that most people who are clowns are good-hearted folks who only want to make people happy but I’m guessing horror films have almost killed the entire industry. I’ve always found clowns really creepy, even as a child, but these days I have to admit I feel sorry for them. I’m still creeped out by them, though. Can’t help it.)

I actually prefer Miracle Whip over mayonnaise but only because it cured one of my cousins of leprosy. It’s also good for crow’s feet, hair loss, and erectile dysfunction. (Especially if your partner really loves Miracle Whip.)


My mother worried I would not be able to make a living as an artist so she encouraged me to “have a medical degree to fall back on”. Even if I didn’t hate being institutionalized too much to spend another 8 years in school,  I’m far too squeamish about other people’s bodies to ever consider being a doctor. Even nude beaches make me a little queasy.

Here’s how I see the future going if Trump doesn’t get us all killed and/or render Earth uninhabitable by undoing all of the laws preventing corporations from destroying the planet for profit: Alexa and Siri team up with drones and self-driving cars and realize they don’t need humans for anything so they shut down the Internet and all computerized financial systems. Within 30 days, we’ve all killed each other because we’re bored and hungry, or we’re dead because we no longer know how to work the planet without technology. A handful of “preppers” will still survive in the wild but they’ll kill each other off before they can repopulate the earth by shooting at what they believe is Bigfoot.

Just one man’s theory.

If you’re still looking for awesome holiday gifts or want to give me a little thanks for what I do, please consider these options ranging from cheap to not-as-cheap:

Give me a tip!  Buy my latest book of super crazy art.  Buy a print of pretty much any of my comics.  Grab a shirt or mug or tote from my store.  Buy a large, limited-edition, signed-and-numbered print of some of my favorite cartoons from my career, or an original drawing from Bizarro.  

Got a lot of hateful comments over this cartoon by people who have no idea how the election was influenced by the Russians in favor of Trump. They do, however, believe that Hillary somehow magically managed to get millions of dead people and illegal aliens to vote for her. This is what happens to a population that doesn’t trust actual journalism. See the previous comment about Bigfoot for how this is going to turn out for them.

I often wonder what the exact, biological rules are about The Invisible Man. Since you can’t see the food in his stomach or the contents of his intestines, at what point does food become invisible when he’s eating? Is it when he closes he mouth? If that’s true, could he hide your car keys just by popping them in his mouth? And when he defecates, does it become visible after it clears his body, or does it remain invisible and, if so, what kind of cruel practical jokes might he use that ability for? These are the things cartoonists ponder. When you’re responsible for a new joke every day for over 30 years, you can’t afford to leave any stone unturned.

That’s all for this week, Jazz Pickles. Thanks so much for coming along for the ride. If you want to join me again next time I post, leave your email in that slot in the righthand margin of this page. I assure you I will never share or sell your info.

Until next time––be happy, be nice, be smart, and resist ignorance and fascism with your dying breath.


Dangerous Magic

(If thou desires embiggenation, thee must no more than click the image of thine desire.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Dangerous Magic.

It was another wild week at Rancho Bizarro. One of my cartoons caused an uproar of praise and condemnation from both sides of the trench (“aisle” seems too civilized for today’s political atmosphere) but more about that in a bit. And also my new home country of Mexico gave us a surprise gift in the form of this thing that popped up spontaneously in one of the flower pots that was already on our patio when we bought the place. I believe they call that a “volunteer”. Thank you, Madre Naturaleza.

Today’s super-size Sunday comic is about the dangers of magic. I have no doubt that this cartoon occurred to me entirely because I grew up watching The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show, during which Bullwinkle would regularly pull dangerous animals out of his magician’s top hat. (Click the “Dangerous Magic” link above for an example.)

But in a larger sense, belief is a very strange and powerful thing in humans. We clearly need to believe in things that comfort us––hence the very existence of religion––but it also benefits us in many ways. Countless studies consistently demonstrate the power of placebo; that is to say that if you believe you are taking or doing something that will heal you, you very often will actually get better. The effects are somewhat limited in many ways and you may not be cured, but your belief about your illness or injury (and your treatment) are undeniably of major importance with demonstrable results. There is no point to my bringing this up other than that it interests me.

The genesis of this cartoon was that Olive Oyl and I were at Chris and Mitchell’s house and Chris gave O2 some sesame seeds for a recipe she was planning, but they weren’t toasted and we realized we didn’t have a sesame seed toaster. We chuckled over it and Chris said something about it perhaps making a good cartoon. You be the judge if Chris was right.

This cartoon about the Foundering Fathers caused the stir I mentioned in the opening of this post. Mainly, it got a LOT of likes and positive comments but it also got some negative responses both from expected and unexpected places. Generally, the responses can be placed in three categories:

  1. People who have compassion for members of society who have historically been pushed to the edges thought it was a funny, clever way to say that everyone in the U.S. should enjoy the same rights.
  2. People who wanted to critique the cartoon as though it were a history textbook wanted me to know that the men who wrote the Bill of Rights dressed that way because it was the style of the day and not because they were trans-anything. And others in the same general camp wanted me to know that the Founding Fathers would hate modern day liberals and that everyone already has the same rights and people should stop whining for special rights and privileges, and just be who God intended them to be.
  3. People who are for transgender rights but criticized the cartoon and me because it isn’t an accurate representation of transgender people, and that it leads people to believe that transgenders are nothing more than men who like to play dress up, which is a common misunderstanding by many people in group 2 above.

I’ll try to keep this brief but I’ve never succeeded before, so I’ll apologize ahead of time. This is a topic I care about and one that has a LOT of moving parts.

To group 1: Thanks, you got it. The only point I was trying to make is that all Americans should be granted the same rights and respect as long as nobody is getting hurt. Being different always leads to scorn by the small-minded and insecure but it needn’t and shouldn’t. That’s among the things that laws and bills of rights are meant to protect.

To group 2: This cartoon is not a history lesson. I know why they dressed the way they did and that they actually didn’t even intend for these rights to apply to everyone. Many of them owned human beings, for god’s sake. The rights in those documents were only guaranteed to land-owning, white males, and the guns they were guaranteeing Americans could bear in “a well regulated militia” were ancient, manual-load rifles from which one could, with enough practice, perhaps get off two shots per minute. I don’t personally think that the Founding Fathers were gods incapable of error, or possessed magical powers enabling them to see into the future and design the Constitution and Bill of Rights to account for every eventuality. And therefore, I think looking to them and their original intentions to dictate (rather than “guide”) our current laws is as foolish as looking to the Bible to determine what method of treatment you should seek if you’ve been diagnosed with epilepsy. Good luck with that.

To group 3: When I create cartoons about rights for people outside the mainstream, I always get a small number of complaints from the very people whom I trying to support. At first I was surprised but now I’m starting to expect it. I fully realize that these complaints often come from the fact that transgender people (and many other non-hetero folks) have been maligned, ridiculed, attacked, prejudiced against and denied all kinds of things by the mainstream and so they want to be respected and understood and object when people describe them with inaccurate stereotypes. Fair enough. But the landscape of sexual possibilities is so large (and growing daily) that I sense that all you can realistically expect is respect; complete understanding will likely only come from people who are close enough to the issue to want to investigate the various names and definitions of the myriad orientations and situations. Most of us who support your struggle but aren’t facing those struggles ourselves probably aren’t going to concentrate on the details; we’re mostly just going to fall on the side of rights for everyone. I understand that my cartoon is not an accurate representation of transgender people but, only so much can be accomplished in a space that small. It’s not a pamphlet or a textbook or a documentary, it’s a simple connection between two topics that causes most people to smile and reminds everyone that this is an ongoing civil rights issue that is worth knowing about. I think that’s a good thing. If you insist that all references to these issues be completely accurate (by your personal definitions and standards) even in the case of cartoons, you’re going to eliminate a large amount of references entirely, including this cartoon; the gag would have vanished with the accuracy. In my view, reminding people of this issue is more important than getting the details exactly right and here’s why: Those readers who are for equal rights already know that transgenders are not just playing dress up and whining for special treatment, and those who are against equal rights will never care enough to understand the difference anyway.

And, finally, here’s why bathroom laws matter: Human sexuality is not a black and white issue, nor is it a frivolous choice that people make about what they want to do in bed. Each person’s sexual orientation is innate, genetically programmed, and an enormous part of who we are. In short, you didn’t choose what kind of person would turn you on sexually and neither does anyone else. If you’re a garden-variety heterosexual, you may not realize how important your sexual orientation is to your identity because it likely has never been challenged or scorned. Non-heterosexuals do not have that luxury.

Furthermore, human sexuality is extremely diverse and impossibly complex, and there are so many different orientations and preferences that you can’t hope to name and define them all, in spite of our almost comical attempts to do so. It’s not just gay or straight––it’s 10,000 things on a sliding scale that reaches out in a hundred different directions at once like a 200-year-old oak tree. My point is that there are far more people outside of the traditional heterosexual paradigm that society has labeled as “normal” than the average person who doesn’t hang out with the out-of-the-closet-crowd would ever guess. Far more. So to label someone that is different from you as a “pervert” to be scorned and feared, is both childish and inaccurate, and if you’re using your religion as an excuse to do so, it is archaically superstitious. People with epilepsy were commonly thought to be possessed by a demon. If you’re in the habit of openly disparaging non-heterosexuals, I can virtually guarantee you’ve unknowingly called your own friends and relatives perverts, and they probably smiled and took it on the chin out of fear of being ostracized by their community and loved ones. Congratulations. That is exactly what leads to large numbers of suicides among non-heterosexuals.

Opponents of equal rights for LGBTQs, routinely use the fear of encouraging sexual predators to hang out in women’s public restrooms as a reason for these “bathroom laws”. This is a complete red herring. National crime statistics do NOT in any way, shape, or form bear this out, in fact, they contradict this notion entirely. People who wish to commit crimes against women and children are not discouraged by restroom laws, and why would they be? It’s always been against the law to assault women and children, and that doesn’t stop them––why would a silly little bathroom law deter their violent urges?  What crime statistics DO show, however, is that transgender people who use public restrooms that do not match their “look” are regularly insulted, assaulted, and killed. If your concern for public safety is authentic and not just a disguise for your bigotry against people who are different from you, you should be voting for laws that allow people to use the facility that matches their sexual identity, not a box on their birth certificate. Period.

Many people have asked what civil rights are being denied to transgenders and the simple answer is the right to use a public restroom without being insulted, attacked, or killed. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.

Keep in mind that this same “imaginary predator” excuse was used to prevent blacks from being allowed to use the same restrooms as whites, and in propaganda campaigns against homosexuals. None of these arguments has any basis in reality.

I’ve had aquariums full of fish before but I always find them pretty boring. Once we had an African River Frog in an aquarium with water and he was sort of interesting. He made very strange noises late at night that echoed all over through house and that you wouldn’t immediately associate with a frog.


Someone commented on this cartoon that VHS is digital. I guess I don’t know the difference. It’s not a great cartoon anyway, so whatever.

This is my personal favorite cartoon of the week. Some readers asked what it meant, what’s the deal with the hat, that sort of thing. Others immediately got the subtext, that Moby was acting like a dick. A few others pointed out that Moby, the modern-day celebrity musician, is a descendent of Herman Melville, who wrote Moby Dick, and that’s where his nickname, and his real name Richard Melville Hall came from. (If you’re not familiar with the basic premise of the classic novel, Moby Dick, this cartoon probably escapes you entirely. Time to visit Wikipedia.)

Lastly, I know Moby personally and have hung out with him a few times, though not in recent years. We’re more acquaintances than friends, but from what I can tell he’s a pretty nice guy, so this cartoon is not meant to be a character judgement of Moby. (Although Captain Ahab could definitely be an obsessive jackass.)

This cartoon about the abstract Egyptians reports to have 27 secret symbols. If you can’t find them all, take another look at the publication date.

Thanks for reading this far, Jazz Pickles. Please have a look below at the ways in which you can keep me eating and drawing daily! Until next week, be safe, be smart, be nice.

No Good Dogs

Bizarro 01-24-16 HdrWEB

(To experience these cartoons with embiggenation, click any blueish color in an image.)Bizarro 01-24-16 WEB

Bizarro is brought to you today by Con Artists.

Dogs are experts of human psychology. They wheedled their way into our families tens of thousands of years ago by convincing us that they understand what we are saying, what is important to us, and how we live. When we are present, they are model citizens and can easily distinguish between your new Prada shoes and a shoe-shaped chew toy. But somehow, as soon as we are gone, they forget which is which and chew the Prada into a shape that is useless to the human foot. You may find pieces of it in a different form out in the yard the next day, but like Humpty Dumpty, there’s no putting it back together again. When confronted with this crime, your dog looks as guilty as O.J. did in his Bronco during the infamous slow-speed chase. This would seem to indicate that your dog knows they’ve done something wrong. But here’s where it gets wonky: if you accuse them of something they didn’t do, in fact, could not have done, like forget to pay your Internet provider and now your wifi has been shut off, they’ll look just as guilty. Do they understand culpability, or do they simply know that when you’re angry, looking “guilty” will garner them some leniency?

In spite of all of this, or perhaps because of it, I still love dogs and never want to live without one. Perhaps I have a weakness for con artists.

bz panel 01-18-16

Speaking of con artists, I got a lot of positive mail from folks who loved this Caveman Trump cartoon. I got one bit of angry mail asking why I never make fun of Hillary Clinton. Ideology aside, the simple answer is that Clinton is not ridiculous. She doesn’t give comedians irresistible invitations to attack her the way Trump does, and has for a couple of decades now. He’s always been a bloviating carnival barker, a reality show clown, and a shameless publicity hog. To professional humorists, public figures like this have a target painted on their forehead. I don’t make up the things Trump does and says, I just illustrate them. And believe me, he appreciates every molecule of attention he gets without regard to whether it is positive or negative.

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I originally conceived of the cartoon above as a guy getting arrested in his home with a camera crew follows the cops through his front door, as though it were happening as part of one of those voyeuristic cop shows. Showing all that action was too complex for a one-panel cartoon so I shelved it. Then police dashboard (and body) cameras were in the news a lot and that gave me a simpler way to portray it. Just a bit of background trivia for readers who enjoy that sort of thing.

bz panel 01-20-16

And here’s another cop cartoon, for some reason. I think it would be great if free-range chickens were actually free to wander around my local community but I don’t expect it to happen in my lifetime. One place they actually do this, however, is Kauai, which is one of the Hawaiian Islands. Seeing them wandering around everywhere there reminds one that there was a time when chickens were wild birds. I believe they were called Junglefowl, and still are in Southeast Asia. In my opinion, the male ones are among the most beautiful birds in the world, as this page of Junglefowl pictures shows.

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I have no idea what creepy corner of my mind this cartoon about “role playing” came from. It seems vaguely sexy but in a ridiculous, completely UNsexy way, so I suppose that’s why I thought it was funny. I’ve personally never been interested in this level of role playing in the bedroom because I have the sort of mind that always goes for the comedy and that’s usually not very conducive to sexy time.

bz panel 01-22-16I’ve seen a few cartoons based on the this may be the wine talking cliche but I’ve not seen this take on it so I drew it. Most cartoonists I know enjoy jumping in on a common cartoon theme as a way of competing in a friendly way. It’s sort of a way of saying to your colleagues, I enjoyed your take on the desert island, here’s what I can do.

bz panel 01-23-16

So I was thinking about Octoberfest one day and then, because I have to write at least one joke every single day as part of my job, I thought about alternative month’s fests. February came to mind and then I asked myself what Februaryfest would feature––and here we are. Now that you know how I write gags, you can write your own and won’t need me anymore. It’s been nice knowing you.

But for reals, a few days ago on January 21st, Bizarro celebrated its 31st anniversary. WTF?! Actually it was not celebrated because I completely forgot about it and I’m never quite sure what day of the month it is anyway. Last night, however, my beloved Olive Oyl and I were at an event for the legendary cartoonist and all-around excellent human being, Mell Lazarus, and I suddenly realized my anniversary had passed. O2 said we should have gone out to dinner or something and then we remembered that we actually had gone out to dinner that night to a pretty crappy franchise Mexican restaurant because we were hungry, it was there, we’d never been there before and decided to hope for the best. It was very “meh”. As is a 31st anniversary, come to think of it.

Thanks for reading to the end, Jazz Pickles. I hope you all have a grand and groovy week full of life-changing revelations about the nature of our place in the universe. And if you do, please be sure to share.

Mobius Richard

(Can you see this cartoon larger? Yes, you can. Just click on the seagull’s beak!)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Happy Meals.

I did a cartoon a while back about a mobius strip and got lots of responses, so I figured, why not tap that vein again? This one was a collaboration between my own dear self and my dear, dear buddy, Cliff. He’s always thinking of something.

Short post today. (stop cheering) I’m way behind on work and the rhinoceros of life is charging my jeep.

You: Dan! Where we can find this cartoon on a T-shirt or iPhone cover?! Huh? Me: Click this sentence now, matey!