Fleeing Fleas

Bizarro is brought to you today by My New Offices!Bizarro 07-19-15 hdrWEBBizarro 07-19-15 WEBI hope you enjoy this version of the popular horror story meme wherein a traveling couple’s car breaks down and they have to ask a scary person if they can spend the night in that person’s farmhouse, castle, etc. The setup is a bit outdated now that cell phones have been invented but I suppose you could always claim there’s no reception in that area because of inherent evil or something. (Note: I put a little extra work on the reflection in the hardwood floors so please take a moment to enjoy that.)bz panel 07-13-15I’m sure one or more cats are actually running for president next year but I suspect that, as usual, The Man won’t let them on the ballot. This is entirely because cats cannot be bought by corporations.bz panel 07-14-15I have out-of-body experiences every single day, but it’s always involving other people’s bodies. Something to think about. bz panel 07-15-15I’ve always thought the coolest thing about porcupines is that when threatened, they can throw their quills outward from their body. Much like our “goosebumps” or “gooseflesh,” but with consequences.bz panel 07-16-15Yes, I know I have a bug up my ass about unnecessarily large vehicles and I’ve done a lot of cartoons about that. Here’s another one. The salesman is unnecessarily large, too, but that’s a whole other issue about the American industrialized food system.

bz panel 07-17-15One observant reader who has been riding motorcycles for around 60 years wrote to tell me the kickstands are on the wrong side of these bikes. He’s totally right and here’s why it happened: I originally drew this cartoon in reverse, with the speakers on the left and the bikers on the right, but it’s a basic tenet of humor to have your punchline as close to the end of the joke as possible. In cartoons, that is often a visual element. It’s not a big deal in this cartoon, really, but I decided after I’d drawn it, that I wanted the bikers to be the first thing the reader sees, so I reversed it on my computer. MYSTERY SOLVED!

Another reader pointed out that the biker dudes who shot each other up in Waco, Texas last month weren’t lawyers and accountants (that we know of.) That’s true, but Waco is also where the Branch Davidians had their shootout with the feds back in the 90s, so I no longer count Waco as a part of the natural world. I think they’re pumping crazy gas into the atmosphere down there.bz panel 07-18-15I recently got an Instagram account and this gag occurred to me. I’ve not had colon surgery, however, and hope to avoid that particular element of life’s more expensive pleasures. Look me up under Dan Piraro on Instagram if you want to follow what I post there. It’s mostly my sketchbook images, which are very different from my cartoon work. Hope to see you there!

Royal Blood

bz panel 01-27-14Bizarro is brought to you today by Flotation Device.

Today’s gag is dry and subtle but I like dry, subtle gags and so do many of you Jazz Pickles so I proudly present it to you here. The idea is from my good friend, Cliff Harris, the King of Wordplay. Puns are often thought to be lowbrow and easy, but truly surprising puns that the reader would likely not have thought of themselves are a delight that usually result in a chuckle. My job here is done.bz 10-22-95 MorguePricesWEB

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

BIZARRCHIVES: I came across this relic from 1995 in the archives this morning and was delighted. It’s always been one of my favorite gags but I’d forgotten all about it. I hope you like it as much as I do.

 

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Against the Wall

bz panel 09-07-13storebz strip 09-07-13storeBizarro is brought to you today by Hell On Earth.

This cartoon is meant to be about stores in general that broadcast TV commercials where everyone is beautiful and happy. But with the overweight old guy greeting customers and the badly-dressed, obese customer, it distinctly resembles a Walmart. (For my European and Asian readers, that’s a chain of stores the size of an indoor soccer stadium that sell everything you can imagine: clothes, appliances, electronics, furniture, carpets, shoes, tools, soap, prepackaged and fresh foods, guns, ammo, tires, sporting equipment, prescription drugs, you name it. They have prices so low that they drive all of the independently owned stores in the community out of business, then the owners and employees of those stores typically have to work for Walmart, because all of the other jobs are gone and they can no longer afford to shop anywhere else. Sort of American capitalism’s version of debtor’s prison.)

So my point is that this morning I went to another so-called “big box store” like Walmart, named Costco, to get a cheap eye exam. (Costco, reportedly, at least pays their employees a decent wage, which Walmart infamously does not. Also, the eye doc I visited only has his office there, he’s not an employee of Costco.) Just being there among the herds of mooing humans pushing gigantic shopping carts full of gigantic products made me fear for my soul. I don’t actually even believe in souls but I’d swear some aspect of my essence was being sucked out of me and cast spiraling down into Hell. When I returned to my car in their massive, black-top parking lot, the temperature on my dashboard read 114 degrees.  So I might be onto something.

REZARRO: Here’s a shopping cartoon of another sort from 2005. After all these years, I still love this joke. Hope you do, too.

Bz panel 02-25-05 WEB