Famous Liars

(Amusing details may become more evident with an embiggenating click of the images herein.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Lip Reader’s Nightmare.

I think it is fair to say that if the Orange Menace had the same biological syndrome as Pinocchio, Trump Tower could have been the world’s tallest structure made entirely of nose-sized logs. But enough about famous liars.

Today is a landmark day in my life and I want to share it with my loyal Jazz Pickles. January 21, 2018, will mark the 33rd anniversary of my publishing a Bizarro cartoon each and every day, 365 days a year. That’s over 12,000 cartoons. Writing and drawing that many gags consistently over time is every bit as challenging as you might imagine. Somehow, though, I managed to make my deadlines through illnesses, the deaths of loved ones, two divorces, several moves, and the loss of my favorite sunglasses back in ’92, which really upset me and that I’ve never been able to replace.

All those years, through good times and bad, I told myself that one day I would retire and become a painter, which was all I ever really wanted to be since I outgrew my childhood aspirations of being a cowboy, astronaut, or secret agent. Remember clenching your teeth and slogging through your homework so you could go outside and play? (For you younger readers, “outside” is where children used to play before the invention of video games and the Internet.) Well, I’ve been in homework mode for 33 years and now I finally get to go outside and play.

Starting tomorrow, January 1 (for readers outside of the U.S., that’s 1 January) my longtime friend and colleague, Wayno, will be drawing the Monday-through-Saturday Bizarro cartoons and I’ll be doing just one each week, on Sunday. Wayno and I have collaborated on around 150 gags over the years and he’s handled two separate weeks of Bizarro as a “guest cartoonist.” He also spent three years as my colorist back around 2010 and we’ve always really enjoyed working together. Some of the gags will be his, some mine, and some will be collaborations between us but he’ll be handling the finished product that you’ll see online and in the newspapers six out of seven days each week. He’ll be drawing in his style but will be using my Bizarro font and, of course, The Secret Symbols.

I’ll still be writing a weekly blog post commenting on Wayno and I did that week, and also posting daily cartoons from my archives on FB, Twitter, and Instagram. I also intend to give regular updates about my fine art projects as well as photos of works in progress. (Here’s a small piece of the oil painting I’m working on right now. SPOILER ALERT for BOB A. : THIS IS A PIECE OF YOUR PAINTING!) I hope you’ll come along with me, just as you have been up till now. I’m super excited about my new life and hope you enjoy my reports.

Wayno will also be posting on his various social media sites so I strongly encourage you to follow him. You can start by checking out his initial weekly blog post about this new job he’s taken on.

You can also follow him in these places:

twitter.com/Waynocartoons
www.facebook.com/WaynoCartoons

I posted this cartoon on Instagram last Monday and got a comment alerting me that it is actually summer in the southern hemisphere where Easter Island sits. I suppose that’s my fault because I failed to mention this is not a photo from a textbook but rather a cartoon and therefore not held to a particularly high standard of accuracy. Additionally, Easter Island is close enough to the equator and sea level that snow isn’t an option any time of year.

Here’s a little gag about an old nursery rhyme that nobody teaches their kids anymore. I was taught the first two lines: “There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children she didn’t know what to do.”

I assumed it was about the importance of contraception, but what was this bit about a shoe? Then, when I was older, I learned the last two lines: “She gave them some broth without any bread; Then whipped them all soundly and put them to bed.”

Now the meaning is clear. It’s a poem about an elderly woman with eccentric taste in architecture who starves and abuses children. So yes, it is about contraception, but it is aimed at the old woman’s parents, who never should have given birth to this sadistic bitch.

I used to live in New York City––the city that never sleeps, though it does emit a strange, snoring sound from time to time and sometimes farts without apologizing––and the overwhelming majority of taxi drivers there are foreign-born. Considering the number of cabs in NYC (over 13,500 with another 14,000 Uber-style drivers) I think one could make a mathematical case for the likelihood of at least some of those drivers being from Venice and of that subset, perhaps a few are former gondoliers. I’m also guessing that there is no law or ordinance in NYC that expressly prohibits driving in the creative manner in which the gentleman in my cartoon is. So this might actually happen. Just saying.

Some of you more diligent and memoryful Jazz Pickles may recall this gag from my book of pirate cartoons published a few years ago. It was originally published in ‘01 and I was particularly proud of the gag and felt it deserved a wider audience, so I revived it. Now that I look at it, I’m wondering if there aren’t actual services of this sort for folks with only one foot. In the age of the Internet, it seems it would not be that hard to connect folks who have to buy two shoes but only ever wear one, right?

Stay tuned for next week’s cartoon about a snowman with a penile implant; No need for Viagra, just pop it into the freezer for a bit. “…I saw him buying a Bombpop yesterday.”

I actually have a hat like this and you’re living on it. Now if I can just get each person living on my hat to pay the equivalent of one U.S. dollar in return for rent-for-life, I can retire in style and still have enough money left over to fund the shoe-swapping non-profit I described above.

In addition to the semi-retirement I mentioned in the opening paragraphs, there are lots of other new things coming to the Jazz Pickle jar soon. A new website for bizarro.com is underway and almost ready to launch, as well as some new products that we’re super excited about like enamel pins and an Official Bizarro Fan Club with all kinds of cool behind-the-scenes perks.

Until my next post, be smart, be happy, be nice, and fight ignorance and fascism. Also, check out Wayno’s and my posts this week on our various social media sites.

Foot Odor

Bizarro 10-25-15 HdrWEB

(If you enjoy the embiggenation of cartoons, click on them.)Bizarro 10-25-15 WEB

Bizarro is brought to you today by Seats Are Cheaper On The Wing.

There have been a few “Old Woman Who Lived in a Shoe” cartoons over the span of my 87 year career as a cartoonist and this is arguably one of them. Here is another one that is built on the same premise but leaves less to the imagination.

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Here’s one built on a combination of the myths of Noah’s ark and the commercial airline industry. Myths can teach us important things about ourselves and our world, they only become dangerous when you believe them to be literally true. Like believing the TSA can keep us safe or that commercial airlines have anything even remotely approaching fair pricing policies.

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I’m not sure what got into me when writing this cartoon or exactly what it means. I think I was just riffing on the way we quite naturally anthropomorphize our pets and imagine we understand their behavior and motives. But then it turned into some lame statement about how unnatural our lives have become. I am one who believes that other animals are far more like us than not like us in some ways, and very unlike us in others. I know, that doesn’t tell you much at all. I also think that our species’ behavior since the Industrial Revolution has caused the Earth to find ways of drastically reducing our numbers and that we will very likely, very soon be returned to a more primitive, dystopian world to live in, one in which we “first world” citizens will be painfully ill prepared to compete.

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If you don’t understand this Olive Oyl’s Cafe joke you either have not noticed that the door is less than half the size of a normal commercial door, or you are on another web page right now and not even looking at this cartoon. Here in the U.S., obesity has become epidemic. I was in an all-you-can-eat restaurant in Oklahoma not long ago and was alarmed at the average size of the people there. If you live in those places you become used to it––studies have shown that the parents of obese children almost always think they look normal. And in those places, of course, normal-sized people look emaciated to the locals. (I’m using the term “normal” to refer to the size that humans with adequate diet and exercise have been for millions of years. The new normal in places like the U.S. is about a third bigger than that.)

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This gag may look like a political statement but it is actually just a bit of fun with ducks and things named Donald. But, WOW, it is actually beginning to look like Donald Trump will be the Republican nominee! It certainly says a lot about the depth of insanity that the Republican Party has descended into. I daresay that former Republican presidents and luminaries from more reasonable times are spinning in their graves at the possibility. I think it is important to note that if it weren’t for corporate propaganda machines like Murdoch’s FOX News Channel, he’d never have gotten this far. The average person would never run that far down a blind alley without being led by misinformation. I suspect most thinking Republicans are disappointed by the party’s lack of good candidates, too.

My uneducated opinion, of course, and one that will likely lose me some readers.
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I quite enjoy the ludicrous setup of this truck crash cartoon but am sorry that I’ve got to discuss it the day after the tragic events at Oklahoma State University yesterday. I extend my heartfelt sympathy to all involved.
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My youngest daughter is getting married next weekend (on Halloween––they’re calling it a Hallowedding) and I seriously doubt they’ll use this strange, archaic line from traditional weddings. But I’ve heard it used before and have always wished someone would speak up, just to spice things up a bit. “Uh, excuse me for butting in but he’s already married to me and these are our seven young’ns.” Or, “That’s not a woman, that’s an orangutan in a wedding dress.”  The ensuing chaos as the orangutan attempts to escape and the congregation panics would be much more entertaining than the average wedding. My daughter’s is a costume wedding, so it should be pretty fun. I’ll post pics in a week or so.

Thanks for reading, Jazz Pickles. Hope you have a dandy pre-Halloween week!