Moving Experience

Bizarro 09-06-15 hdrWEB

(For a larger viewing experience of the cartoon below so you can find its NINE secret symbols, clickify it.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Sore Throat Treatments of the Future.

Bizarro 09-06-15 WEBI got this idea because I used to live in a huge apartment building and it seemed there was always someone using the elevators to move in or out. It was like cramming yourself into someone’s tiny living room for a few seconds to get to your floor and it happened so often I began to wonder if they were living in there. Thought it was kind of funny.

bz panel 08-31-15This idea came about while pondering the typical panhandler-holding-out-a-cup cartoons. These days nobody uses cups but in the old days, when people were most likely to toss you a dime or nickel, I guess they did because old cartoons always had that. This insufferable-looking dude has found a new reason to have a cup.

bz panel 09-01-15I drew this gag because I like surreal things and I often wonder where names come from. An eye dropper might more accurately be called a drop administerer, but then our lazy mouths would rebel when trying to say it.

bz panel 09-02-15As you regular readers know, it never ceases to amaze me that governments still bother to make marijuana illegal. It is so safe and natural and beneficial for so many things. I can’t help but be convinced that the continuing illegality of it is directly controlled by corporate interests who feel it would be cutting into their profits for pharmaceuticals and booze. That, and the fact that most of us have a deep-seated fear of change and can’t comfortably imagine a world in which you could buy pot at a store without some special, bullshit permission from a doctor. You know, like you can with beer and tequila and cigarettes and semi-automatic weapons.

bz panel 09-03-15Just to be clear, I’ve nothing against platform shoes, I just think other items of clothing with a platform built in are funny. Even though my beloved Olive Oyl is five or six inches taller than I and towers over me when she wears heels of any kind, I still like them.

bz panel 09-04-15This cartoon figures into my basic thought process that puts current, organized religions alongside the thousands of the other comforting mythologies our species has historically believed in. I know that’s not a popular view but if you read enough about the history of religion, it’s where you end up. Or at least, it’s where I ended up. Your results may vary.

bz panel 09-05-15This guy has a lot of arms and hands.

If you like surreal art, please consider following me on Instagram, where I post weird things from my sketchbooks that never make it to print. Here’s the link to me @danpiraro and below is one of the images I’ve posted there.Screen Shot 2015-09-06 at 9.39.11 AM

Dummy Drawings

Bizarro is brought to you today by Horse In The Road.

Bizarro 06-28-15 hdrWEB

I’ve been on holiday for a couple weeks (SO rare for me!) and so now that I’m back at headquarters I feel as though I’ve been thrown from a speeding car onto a highway full of emails. Ugh.

Meanwhile, here are the cartoons that published while I was away and that I’ve not posted here yet.Bizarro 06-28-15 WEBBreaking up is never fun, even when one of you is made of wood and plastic. Bizarro 07-05-15 hdrWEB Bizarro 07-05-15 WEbHere’s another in my ongoing series of Sunday Punnies, which are puns that readers send to me and I figure out a funny way to illustrate them. Congrats to Dennis Barley, Kelly Cox, and Ed Saugstad for submitting this batch! Side note: The bunny in the title panel and at the top left of the Sunday Punnies is not the usual Bizarro Bunny, but her boyfriend, Sterphen. (That’s not a typo, that’s how he spells his name.)

bz panel 06-22-15I don’t know if “peep show” is even a phrase anymore but it used to be. It referred to commercial establishments where one could see fairly nekked ladies, I panel 06-23-15I didn’t go to college so I can’t be sure, but I’ve always figured it would be something like panel 06-24-15I don’t recommend trying this on the streets unless you’re wearing a good lice repellent. bz panel 06-25-15One thing I hate about the neighborhood where I live is that it is illegal to park on the streets between 2am and 5am. I hate those kinds of laws, which always seem to me to be fostered by some control freak who just as to meddle in the lives of their neighbors. A friend of ours didn’t know about this law and left her car in the street overnight while housesitting for us and got a ticket. Obviously, once car isn’t a party. Seems like a warning would be the decent thing to do in a case like this. panel 06-26-15I know there’s only supposed to be one Anti-Christ but there have been times when I was certain both of my ex-wives were it. I was wrong about the first one, jury’s still out on the most panel 06-27-15I like supermodel puns because I can’t think of a single thing about any supermodel that is super. Except maybe their bank panel 06-29-15Lately I’ve been running across people who come from enormous families of 8 or 10 or 12 siblings. If anyone out there has this problem and is wondering where the kids keep coming from, I’d be happy to draw you some panel 06-30-15This cartoon is as close to a Dilbert gag as I typically panel 07-01-15There’s an old saying that Rome wasn’t built in a day. I’m just explaining panel 07-02-15I’ve never bought into that myth that all people are created equal. Some folks are just panel 07-04-15Footlong hot dogs are things I’ve made fun of in cartoons before. I wonder why I spelled “hotdog” as two words in the caption and why my editor didn’t tell me to change it. BTW: The price signs have a gag or two in panel 07-03-15I’m so glad my parents aren’t the meddling type. Once my sisters and I were adults, they’ve always left us to make our own decisions unless we ask their opinion. Some of my friends are not so fortunate with their parents.

Don’t forget to sign up for email alerts whenever I post a new blog. There’s a window in the margin for that. Also, I’m on instagram now, like a fully-modern human! I think you can find me under DanPiraro. Hope to see you there!


Zombie Mummy Vampire Pirate Toado

Bizarro is brought to you today by He Man.

Here are five cartoons leading up to Halloween. If you are from a country which does not celebrate Halloween and you have never heard of it, it is a holiday at the end of October during which we Americans disguise our children as murderers, monsters, and demons and send them door to door asking for handouts.

The first cartoon shown here features a woman who has not let the scarcity of suitable mates discourage her from continuing her search. With the assistance of a shovel, she finds what she’s been looking for.

When I drew this mummy gag I thought to myself, who do I know that is going to have a baby whose name I could use in this cartoon? Suddenly, deep within the recesses of my wrinkly brain came the words, “your nephew and his wife are expecting, you idiot.” They enjoyed the cartoon and called to thank me. It was awfully sweet of them but that didn’t stop me from writing them out of my will when I found out they’re not naming the child after me. Kids today…

Here’s a bit of behind-the-scenes trivia: When I submitted this “Trampire” cartoon to King Features, the sign said, “Will Suck For Blood.” This prompted a note from my editor informing me that the word “suck” is not well liked by newspaper editors in the U.S. and could well cause one or more to refuse to publish it. Even though the person using the term is a vampire. Apparently, one can too easily imagine the panhandler is referring to homosexual prostitution. See the smut in question here. Not wanting to tempt fate in a bad economy, I opted for the “family friendly” version seen here, which is a play off the popular panhandler’s sign: Why lie? Need beer. On a happier note, the “trampire” pun came to me from a reader in India, who becomes the first person in his country to successfully contribute to Bizarro. Congratulations, Dinesh Damodaran, if that is your real name.

I like pirate costumes and was wearing one myself this year. Here is a link to some photos of what I looked like at a Halloween party I attended last weekend. The man next to me came to the party as me, which I found very funny, although my buccaneer demeanor did not allow me to show it in this pic. If any of you have funny or interesting photos of your Halloween costume, shoot them my way and I might post a few. I love Halloween costumes, especially the very clever and/or incredibly bad, homemade ones.

My last cartoon is this little ditty, a collaboration with my cartoonist colleague, Dan McConnell. Here is his FB page if you want to see more of his work and say hello.

Hope you had a dandy Halloween, Jazz Pickles.


Bum Head Hunchback Lion Mime Self Signs

(Doth thee desire to view this cartoon biggeth? If so, clicketh the plaid shorts.)

Bizarro is brought to you by Robot Bunny.

It’s been a quiet week in Lake Wobegon, but I don’t live in Lake Wobegon and that’s one reason why I haven’t posted on this blog all week. I live in LA and it’s been busy here. Since I last posted, Rodney King died. I rioted for three days but no one noticed. After that, Jerry Sandusky was found guilty on 45 of the 48 charges he was on trial. YES! I knew that charge 47 was bogus! When I heard the verdict, I considered rioting again, just for good measure, but I was still tired from the Rodney King thing.

So here is a week’s worth of cartoons for your eyeball amusement:

1. I had a bunch of good panhandler jokes so I combined them into one job fair setting. It doesn’t make sense literally but I like it anyway.

2. Please don’t feel sorry for the man with the bandage or the birds in this cartoon. They are only drawings.



3.This nursing home of the future shows the positions our bodies will grow into as we spend years staring at our cell phones. Of course, this won’t have time to happen to most of us because in a couple years we’ll all be communicating telepathically via a chip implanted in our skull. Apple and Microsoft are both working on this technology. I recommend getting the Apple version or you’ll find yourself crashing and getting lots of viruses.

4. A churchy guy wrote to me this week to ask if he could use this lion cartoon in his sermon this Sunday about prayer. I said, “Sure, but just don’t make it sound like I agree with you.”








5. Coal mimer is a great pun that I wish I’d thought of. It was sent to me by my young genius friend, Victor. Thanks, Victor! He just got back from a college trip to Europe where people laughed at him openly for wearing overalls with no shirt, a big floppy hat, and a piece of straw sticking out of his mouth. (He’s from a hillbilly place in North Carolina.)




6. I think it is ironic that the one thing you are not allowed to store in your self storage unit is yourself.









7. Let’s make some turns.

Sorry for this week’s brevity. Exciting things are happening at Bizarro International Headquarters and they’ve kept me as busy as a DEA agent at Grateful Dead concert.

Did you know I have a Bizarro iPhone app?

You’re Not Hallucinating

(If you are among the dozens of people all over the world who want to see this image larger, do what half of them are doing all across the nation –– click the elephant!)

Bizarro is brought to you by Well Wishes.

Today, I would first like to extend my most sincere apologies for not having posted this cartoon sooner. What a excrement noggin I am for publishing a cartoon that tells people to go directly to this web site, then have nothing posted there about the reason why. I hate myself and you should, too. (Hate me, not yourself.)

So welcome to Bizarro’s Sunday Punnies #23! I you’d like to see one of your own original puns in a future edition, just leave it here in the comments section of this post.

Here are the rules and guidelines:

1. Leave your idea for a pun in the comments section of this post. You comment will not appear in the comments section of this blog, however, because I don’t like to ruin the fun for later readers if I should use it. So I post none of the comments: good, bad, or neither. I do read all of them, however.

2. Your pun must be original (to the best of your knowledge.) If I find out you’ve sent me a pun that you saw or heard somewhere, I’ll come to your house and marry your cousin. And nobody wants that kind of trouble!

3. In your comment, tell me how you’d like to be credited. You can use any name you like, real or fictional.

4. No readers who are wearing any New Jersey Devils sports clothing when they type their comment will be considered. I’m a Rangers fan and I’m still sore about the way that last game went.

That’s all there is to it, kids. Rush to your brain and yank open the door! There’s gotta be a pun in there somewhere!