Crime Giggles

Bizarro 05-10-15 hdrWEBBizarro is brought to you today by Mother’s Day Hat.

My big Sunday Comics gag today is okay, I guess, but for my money there’s just as much fun to be had in the small background gags. There are also 10 Secret Symbols to search for. If you’re not sure you know what all of my Secret Symbols are, click here.  If you click the cartoon (and this damn blog is working properly) you’ll get an enlarged view for better examination. I hope it pleases you.

Let’s talk now about my cartoons of the past week. bz panel 05-04-15 bz panel 05-05-15 bz panel 05-06-15 bz panel 05-07-15 bz panel 05-08-15 bz panel 05-09-15

Monday’s child is full of twerk: To someone my age, mid-fifties, this thing the youngsters call “twerking” is the opposite of sexy. In fact, it is hilarious. Like naked-guy-with-a-shiny-tourist-sombrero-and-black-socks hilariously unsexy. No matter how young you are right now, if you live long enough a younger generation will adopt some kind of fashion or activity that you will think is hilariously stupid, but they’ll think is cool. It’s just a law of physics. To get a jumpstart on dealing with it, do this simple exercise now––imagine the stupidest, most embarrassing fashion or activity that you can, one that you would rather die than be caught in public wearing or doing. THAT is what will be in style when you’re older.

Tuesday’s child is worth a smirk: I found out not long ago that “service animals” are not just used for obvious things like guiding the blind, but also for people who have severe anxiety issues and find that an animal calms them. I immediately wondered what would happen if the animal that calmed that one person made everyone else panic.

Wednesday’s child is in withdrawal: When society collapses and the electrical grid is out and cell phones and computers don’t work, the current generations being raised on constant contact with the entire world will suffer severe withdrawal. Not if, when. It might look something like this.

Thursday’s child had a nasty fall: I guess when I wrote this batch I was thinking a lot about our collective addiction to apps like Twitter and FacadeBook. “Josh” isn’t a specific person, I chose it simply because I wanted a name that is common among a certain age group that might contain members with the type of mindlessness that this character is exhibiting. My favorite part of this cartoon is the look on Descartes’ face.

Friday’s child is losing feathers: What about a parrot who talks more than his human? Is that funny? I thought it kind of was and so did my German penpal, Michael Roth, who suggested the setup.

Saturday’s child is vulnerable to the weather: In line with the philosophical subject matter of Thursday’s cartoon, I raise the question of how well a person who needs to hide actually wants to hide. No particular reason. I didn’t do anything recently that would land me in a witness protection program. Seriously, I’ve just been minding my own business and not bothering anyone.

That’s it for today. Later this coming week I’ll likely be making a dandy announcement about some new stuff so come back with your eyes in a few days and have a gander.


Falling Depth Arm Philosophy

bz panel 04-07-14bz strip 04-07-14bz panel 04-08-14bz panel 04-09-14Bizarro is brought to you today by But I’m Vegan.


Happy early April, Jazz Pickles. I’ve been as busy as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs lately as I plan to escape Bizarro International Headquarters next week for a bit of time off. Yes, even super-human cartoonists need time off from comedy from time to time, so I’ll be going where nothing is ever funny: Oklahoma.

If that news makes you wonder if this might be a good time to break into my Los Angeles mansion, think again. I’ve got a full-time security team staying here while I’m away, led by my dog, Jemima. She’ll chew up your shoes while you’re not looking and you’ll be sorry you ever broke in. Plus, I have nothing worth stealing other than half (or less) of a bottle of good scotch.


BZ 10-29-04 RovePlatoWEBMy first cartoon this week is about modern philosophy. I don’t know the answer to this pressing question, and neither do you because, by definition, neither of us is there. Spooky.



My Tuesday cartoon is a collaboration with the talented illustrator, cartoonist, and my known associate, Wayno of Pittsburgh. He waxes philosophical about this gag on his blog here.









My Wednesday gag (Hey! That’s today!) is not about philosophy, but is about the modern technological problems we humans face every day.







BIZOMBIES: In my archival gems section today, I’m posting a cartoon from election time in 2004. This is, to date, the only cartoon I’ve ever done that got me canceled in a given newspaper. You may not be surprised to find out that the newspaper that took such a bold move was one in Ft. Hood, Texas. It’s a military town which pops up in the national news from time to time, and did again last week.

Foosball Voting Guru

Bizarro is brought to you today by Spooky Stuff.

It seems our old friend, Harold Camping, is back in the news. He was the kooky old geezer who convinced so many discerning Americans last spring that he had figured out some secret code in the Bible and that the world was going to end on May 21st. I might have believed it if it had come from Nicolas Cage since he has proven his ability to figure out secret codes, but I didn’t find Harold very compelling.

Anyway, Harold had a stroke in June and is now recovering, which begs the question that maybe his premonition that the world was ending was just about his own world ending when he died of a stroke. But he’s still alive so that can’t be it.

Anyway again, he’s now predicting that the world will “begin” ending “quietly” this Friday, October 21. (Harold seems to be fond of the number 21.)  So keep an eye out for “quiet” evidence of the End of the World. Nicolas Cage could not be reached for comment.

Speaking of the end of the world, we in the U.S. are in the early conniptions of another presidential campaign season. I used to follow politics pretty closely (I even published a political satire in ’04) but it is so disappointing and frustrating that I have abandoned hope. I’ll keep voting, but that’s the most energy I can muster. The more I learn about history, the more I see that things never change. (Compare the policies of the Hoover administration which led to the Great Depression with the policies of Bush and Company.)  I’ll admit that even though the Dems are not much better, the Republicans still favor ruining our economy by propping up the rich and screwing the rest of us, so I’ll vote Democratic. For all the good it will do.

And finally, what is the meaning of life? It is a question that has haunted each individual human for thousands of years. My personal journey started in the Catholic church when I was a kid. I then moved to fundamentalist Christianity as a teen, then to a nondescript belief in an undefined “higher power” in my early adulthood, which morphed into basic agnosticism. For me, peace came to me in my forties when I embraced the logic of atheism and accepted that there is no meaning to life. I wasn’t born for a “reason” any more than the moth that died on my porch last night was born for a reason. I happen to exist, same as the moth and every other random collection of molecules in the universe. Once seen from that perspective, the question becomes more pragmatic: how do I make the most of my life and enjoy the time I’m alive? I find that approach much more comforting than a system of invisible magic. For me, the world ends when I die. Could be later today, could be another 50 years. Once that happens, I’ll be as unaware as I was for all those billions of years before I was born. I’m cool with that.

Search hundreds of Bizarro comics here for one that would be perfect for your sister’s kid’s pajamas.

Chocolate Philosophical Footwear

Bizarro is brought to you today by Tasty Technology.

Man (woman, child, undecided), it has been a wild week. So busy, so stressful, so unpredictable. Some of it has to do with family medical issues, some with my Top Secret Mystery Project, some with deadline juggling: all those elements have combined to make it difficult for me to find time to do my favorite cartoon-related acitivity –– blogging.

But all’s well that ends well. So here are some cartoons from this week that I hope you will enjoy.

Cartoon one: she lives in a shoe! Get it? But how could a shoe house a family? It could if it had 3 bedrooms and 2 baths! Ahhahahahahahahahah!

Anthropologists agree that agriculture was a big part of what made us humans so dominant in the world. Once a society has got plenty of food, it has time to dedicate to pure thought: discovery, invention, philosophy, more interesting hairstyles. It is a popular adage that only cockroaches will survive a worldwide nuclear holocaust, thus leaving them plenty of food, no predators, and plenty of time to philosophize. And this brings us to this cartoon, where over-evolved roaches contemplate the meaning of the word “successful” in terms of the longevity of a species. Hmmm.

Houseflies don’t live very long and that was the inspiration for this Housefly Grim Reaper gag by my good pal and colleague, Wayno. (I recently saw a photo of Wayno on the Interwebs with a caption that identified him as “Pittsburgh cartoonist, Wayno, a known associate of Dan Piraro.” I don’t know if the FBI captioned the photo, but it makes us sound like criminals. I kind of dig it.

Here is Wayno’s eloquent musing about this cartoon and our collaboration on the positive-thinking chimps of last Sunday.

As the saying goes, if you don’t like chocolate, you’re a brain-eating zombie. I don’t know if anyone actually says that, but I just did. Almost everyone likes chocolate and for good reason; it’s delicious. It’s also pretty fattening, especially in the forms that it is most often offered–– full of sugar and milk. As a vegan, I’m happy that I can still enjoy dark chocolate. This cartoon is a simple but delightful use of an alternate meaning for the word “dark.” If you like chocolate and black humor, this cartoon is made to order. (Yes, I know that last sentence sounded like some PR bullshit from a sales catalog.)

All of these and more Bizarro cartoons can be found on so many snazzy products here.