Three to Five Smiles

bz panel 01-20-14 bz panel 01-21-14 bz panel 01-22-14Bizarro is brought to you today by The Power of Three.

Since it is Wednesday and I have not yet posted any cartoons this week, you get three. Hooray, wunderbar, groovy.



1. If your cholesterol and weight are high your doctor may say he’d like to “get your numbers down.” But this patient is an ancient Roman so he uses the word “numerals” instead. That is supposed to be the joke. What happens next is the doctor is cleaved in half by a sword and his head is displayed on a pike in the town square. I didn’t include that in the gag because it’s gross.




2. A good friend of mine didn’t get this joke at first because he thought the dog at right was too good to be a doodle. Maybe he has a point, I don’t know. Because I can draw good, perhaps my attempt at a regular non-drawing person’s doodle is too well. You be the judge. This gag was a collaboration with my known associate, Wayno of Pittsburgh. Here’s what he had to said about it.

(Note to grammar nazis: the errors in the previous paragraph are intentional because I sometimes find it amusing to talk this way.)






3. My last cartoon in today’s post is an idea by my good friend and cartoon colleague, Dan McConnell. He has a smutty mind, so naturally this cartoon is about pornography. The truth is that in societies where women are completely covered all the time, a glimpse of an ankle is, indeed, sexually arousing. Which means that in our current society where nothing is hidden, nothing is arousing. Damn.  Dan McConnell hangs out here.



PAZZ JICKLES: Since we’ve been chatting about covered women, here are a couple of burka gags I’ve done in the past. Though mandatory burka-wearing is not funny, I think these cartoons are.Bz 01-16-09 burka sneezeWEB bz Burqa Photo Op WEB

Merry Corporate Machine

bz panel 12-23-14bz strip 12-23-13Bizarro is brought to you today by The Importance of Font Choice and Kerning in Package Design.

If you read yesterday’s post, you know that I was deathly ill over the weekend. Thanks for all the well-wishes and home remedies, Jazz Pickles. I am happy to report that the Grim Reaper has been sent on his way with nothing to show for his trouble and I am miraculously well again. Sometimes it is good to have your ass kicked by Mother Nature for a day or two to remind you of what is truly important in life: Mexican food, scotch, cigars, and all of the other things you cannot enjoy when you can’t go more than a few minutes without barfing like a freshman on spring break.

Even better news is that it is CHRISTMAS WEEK IN AMERICA!!  This is my second-favorite time of year because it precedes my absolute favorite time of year, which is the week after Xmas when this ugly, noisy, greedy mess of a department-store-created “holiday” is as far away as possible! Ah, the sweet silence of January!

Yes, I’m a Scrooge and I admit it. To settle the minds of all the armchair psychologists trying to diagnose my hatred of such a wonderful season, nothing terrible happened to me to make me this way. Nobody I loved died on or around Xmas, I wasn’t the only Jewish kid in a Catholic school, my father didn’t come home drunk on Xmas Eve dressed as Santa and smelling of whiskey, beating my siblings and me with a holly wreath and shouting, “Who’s merry now, you little shits!?” then pouring gasoline over the tree and all of our presents and burning the house down leaving us to spend Xmas day in a homeless shelter with several other families of drunken Santa dads who were now in jail.  Nothing like that ever happened. In fact, I loved Xmas as a kid. I even played it to the hilt with my own daughters when they were children. But now that I’m an adult, I have put away childish things and mostly just want to be left to live in my own, quiet, grown-up world––one in which “Jingle Bells” and “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” were never written.

Okay, I admit it, my distaste for Xmas is about two things:

1) I don’t like corporate-manufactured happiness under which all decent citizens are required to pay heavily.

2) My first wife was a holiday nut.

For the first 16 years of my adulthood, my starter wife, Kalonopin, would decorate the entire house for every little holiday, the day after the previous holiday was over, and sometimes sooner. While I was out trick-or-treating with the kids, she was at home unpacking Thanksgiving decorations. While I was napping after Thanksgiving dinner, she was unpacking Xmas decorations. Almost year round, the house looked like a photo shoot for one Martha Stewart holiday show or another. The month of December was the worst, of course, as we bundled the kids up after dinner every night and drove around town for hours looking at Xmas lights. If there was a sleigh ride somewhere, we had to go. If there was a Xmas village of some sort, we had to visit and take a million pictures. She bought so many gifts for each of us that we began a tradition of opening one up every night during the month, leaving only a paltry dozen-or-so for Xmas morning. (I am not kidding.) We watched classic Xmas movies every night from TGiving to Xmas and beyond, listened to Bing Crosby’s famous Xmas album every bloody day and night, every room in the house glowed and twinkled with lights. It was a kind of holiday marathon that would leave lesser men dead by their own hands. So when the kids were grown and their mom and I were divorced, I said goodbye to it forever. Except in cartoons.

Even without that absurd background, however, the corporate Xmas machine is plenty enough to make me want it to go away.

Here are a couple of fun ones from the not-too-distant past which I hope you will enjoy.bizarro 12-23-12 XMAS WEBBZ 12-21-11 XmasWEB I’ll post a few more in the next couple days. In spite of my satanic hatred of this time of year, I do wish all my JPs a grand and groovy holiday week! I hope your crappy bosses let you off work for more than one day!

Surreal Santa

Bizarro 12-25-11 Hedr WEBBizarro 12-22-13 WEBbz panel 12-21-13bz strip 12-21-13(To enlarge any image, click upon it.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Holiday Party Attire.

As I write this, I am in hour 30 of a Bulimia-style crash diet during which I have been ejecting all food and liquid from my body through my mouth with great discomfort. I also have the accompanying aches and pains of such a condition, making me feel as though I’ve been thrown from a speeding car. So I’ll keep this brief.

The title panel above was doctored from an actual department store Santa photo of my sister and I with some strange man in the 1961. This is not the title panel that appeared with my Sunday cartoon today, however. This is.

Today’s Santa cartoon features some fairly complex art that I think turned out pretty well. The interesting thing about snow is that when it is smooth, there’s nothing quicker and easier to draw. When it’s been trampled on, there are few things more complex to try to draw. I think this snow turned out pretty well for what it is. The reindeer turned out well, too, and if you look closely, you will see one of them sampling the nearly omnipresent “slice of pie.”

I will conclude today’s post with yesterday’s cartoon. I was too sick to even remember where my computer was, much less how to operate it, so it didn’t get posted.

One nice thing about puking your guts up for a day or two is that you get in really good shape. I’ve lost weight, and I’ve got a rock-hard six pack. The rest of me looks like a Halloween decoration, however.