Three to Five Smiles

bz panel 01-20-14 bz panel 01-21-14 bz panel 01-22-14Bizarro is brought to you today by The Power of Three.

Since it is Wednesday and I have not yet posted any cartoons this week, you get three. Hooray, wunderbar, groovy.

 

 

1. If your cholesterol and weight are high your doctor may say he’d like to “get your numbers down.” But this patient is an ancient Roman so he uses the word “numerals” instead. That is supposed to be the joke. What happens next is the doctor is cleaved in half by a sword and his head is displayed on a pike in the town square. I didn’t include that in the gag because it’s gross. (more…)

Burning Desires

bz panel 08-16-13bz strip 08-16-13Bizarro is brought to you today by WILF.

I’ve had this gag on deck for months but resisted drawing it because it is so labor intensive. I’m glad I finally did, though, because I really love the gag.

I sat on a jury once in a civil trial where a guy who was barely tapped in bumper-to-bumper, rush-hour traffic was trying to get money for whiplash. It was a comically clumsy, sit-com attempt to cash in on a very minor traffic accident. One other juror and I voted “not guilty,” but the others wanted to give the guy in the phony neck brace the money. Some of the memorable quotes I heard from three other jurors while deliberating follow: “I think he’s lying too, but when you make a mistake, you gots to pay.” “He might be lying but I was taught it is wrong to judge.” “Aren’t we bound by law to believe everything he says under oath?” This is a true story. (more…)

Shag Dark Ghost Corpse

Bizarro is brought to you today by Pilgrims and Indians.

Well, if all goes as planned, today is Thanksgiving Day in the U.S.  The holiday supported by a coloring book story about pilgrims and native Americans getting together peacefully (for the last time?) to have dinner and give thanks or something. We celebrate this by, and as an ethical vegan I cannot resist saying this, slaughtering millions of innocent beings who’ve lived their short lives in uncomfortable captivity so we can gorge ourselves like gluttons. In December, the massacre starts all over again in the name of “peace on Earth.” Whatever. (more…)