Turkey Toys

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(To enlargefy any image, click any character’s nose.)Bizarro 12-13-15 WEB

Bizarro is brought to you today by Poor Timing.

During the month of December, I’ll be featuring some of my favorite holiday Bizarro cartoons from years past under most of the blue links in my posts, so don’t miss them!

This cartoon glimpse inside Santa’s Workshop was based on a fleeting idea about turkeys posing as elves in an attempt to avoid being eaten on Thanksgiving. I’m not certain the concept is funny in and of itself, but I thought the drawing might be amusing enough to save it. I enjoyed drawing turkeys trying to manage tools with their cumbersome wings as hands. There are six of my “secret symbols” in this drawing, one of which is a toy one of the elves is working on, which is funny to me. If you’re not familiar with the Bizarro Secret Symbols, have a lookit this and be forever changed. (Sorry, that wasn’t a holiday BIzarro cartoon from the past but the next link will be.)

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When I hear terms like “human cannonball” I often think it would be more interesting to see one like this than to see a human shot out of a cannon. When constructing this cartoon I chose to put them in a waiting room of some kind. I have no idea why.
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I confess I’ve read a few self help books in my day and found them to be very helpful. But if someone knowledgeable puts their wisdom in a book and it helps you change your thinking or behavior or whatever, then they are helping you. You’re not really helping yourself, right?  Perhaps I need a book that will help me let go of the literal inaccuracies of common expressions. On a side note, virtually all artists loathe drawing shelves full of products; one way I alleviate the tedium of it is to put some fun book (or product) titles in. Do you know anyone who could use the “So Your Parents Ruined You: Get Over It” book? I do.

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Here’s a simple gag that is a variation of getting your eyes dilated during a visit to an ophthalmologist. Since I’ve nothing brilliant to say about this one, here’s another Bizarro Holiday cartoon you may enjoy.

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I’ve often mused over the similarity of the words “insane” and “inane,” so I wrote a cartoon about it. Coming up with inane things for the inmates to say was the most fun part. Do you consider yourself inane, or ane? I pride myself on being the former.

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Speaking of ridiculocity, I just love my Victoria’s Secret Agent. I saw the new Bond film last week and it makes it all the more fun.

bz panel 12-12-15I’ve made no secret of the fact that I’m no fan of “politically correct” language. It isn’t that I want to go around using epithets or slurs, I most certainly do not. But I find the recent habit we have of taking an innocuous term that was never meant to be derogatory, like “oriental,” deciding that it is offensive and effectively outlawing and pressuring people in polite society to use a different, equally innocuous term a bit inane (callback!) Why do we fail to realize that after a certain number of years of hearing bigots use the new term, we will find it offensive, too, and move on to something else. The whole exercise, in my inane opinion (too many times!) is a red herring. I do not believe that forcing bigots to say a new word encourages them to abandon their racism. An Asian person can be denied an apartment by a racist landlord as easily as an oriental person could. The “N-word” (the word so dangerous no one as pale as I dare type it!) on the other hand, is different in that as far back as anyone can remember it has been used as an insult. I’m all for changing that. But the parade of “preferred” terms we’ve replaced it with in my lifetime alone (colored, negro, black, African American) is a bit of a red herring, too. Have members of the race in question found they are achieving income parity and that cops are treating them more fairly each time we announce a new favorite moniker? I doubt it. Plus, what do you call a person of this heritage who is from another country? African Frenchman? African Japanese? It verges on inane very quickly.

I have no doubt that some people will be offended by the paragraph above. But those are the people who think that speaking of race relations in any form other than those approved by (well-meaning) activists is racism. It is not. If we can’t use our critical thinking skills to discuss these things openly, I suspect we’ll make very little progress on what is a real problem in our increasingly claustrophobic world.

Enough of the serious!  Here’s another Bizarro holiday cartoon from days gone by!

And here is the perfect, unique, thoughtful gift for the Bizarro fan in your life. Signed, numbered, limited-edition fancy fine art prints of some of my favorite gags.

My Valentine (comic)

bz panel 02-14-14bz strip 02-14-14Bizarro is brought to you today by Annual February Punch.

Happy Singles Awareness Day, Jazz Pickles!

I’m the sort of guy who feels sorry for hypothetical strangers, so Valentine’s Day always makes me a little sad for people who find the holiday making them sad. My advice to those of you who may be experiencing unwanted loneliness today not to let holidays invented by a greeting card company disturb your peace.

This cartoon is one of those rare instances where a personal experience led to a gag. My girlfriend, Olive Oyl, and I had a fight not long ago because, once again, I don’t know when to keep my mouth shut. I have a tendency to “over share” and often don’t stop to think how my words might affect the person I’m talking to. We made up quickly and I vowed to extend the delay between the time I think something and say it from 0 seconds to 3 seconds. I highly recommend this simple, yet effective method.

This cartoon posed a problem when I converted it to the strip version. These things run very small in many newspapers, so I had to divide it in two to make sure readers could see that he was coming through the front door and be able to read the balloon messages.

bz 02-12-08 valentineBYGONE BIZARRO: Today’s archive offering is from 2008 and, I believe, captures the true meaning of Valentine’s Day.

Elderly Underwear Surgeon Evolution Cat Foot


Bizarro is brought to you today by Tiny Pediatrician.

I had a good week in my personal life in that after over a year of living in LA, I finally screwed up the courage to go to the DMV and get my motorcycle and car driver’s licenses, and register my motorcycle in California. She now has a California plate and she couldn’t be more proud. Even more importantly, I don’t have to look over my shoulder constantly for the fuzz. Anyone want to start a bidding war over my old New York State motorcycle plate? I can sign it and draw a self portrait on it!

My first cartoon this week was this one about old age. I’m not anywhere near that age yet, but at the exponentially accelerating rate that time flies, we all will be by this time next week. Seemingly. As my dad says, “Old age ain’t for sissies.”





Most regular readers know that I’m a big fan of cartoons about the Old West. Here’s one now. It is completely fictional but perhaps it really happened and was the origin of the first gay bar in the U.S.  Stranger things have happened.









On to the operating theater, this winsome bit of wordplay comes from my good buddy, Cliff Harris, The King of Wordplay. He’s also a retired doctor, but it had nothing to do with a situation like this. Or so he assures me.







Here’s a fun little ditty about a whale. The punch line is pretty self-explanatory, but if you still find yourself out to sea, check out the little evolving fish in the bottom corner. I heard that one or two of my animal-rights friends thought this gag was somehow insensitive to the plight of whales. This isn’t a real whale, nor is anyone with an I.Q. high enough to find their way to a beach going to assume a beached whale is trying to evolve. Lighten up, people. This is why folks tend to think of us as humorless boobs. (Most of us are not. Honestly.) Here’s another beached whale cartoon from my past that is one of my favorite gags in recent years. I call it “Californian’s Nightmare.”







If you’re not familiar with the acronym, “W.W.J.D.” it means, “What would Jesus do?” You can buy tons of products with this slogan on them, including bracelets. I suppose it was popularized to get teens to feel guilty about sex. I suppose it works from time to time but it would work a hell of a lot better if (god?) hadn’t instilled in us such a powerful and overwhelming desire to spread our genetic info.






Our last cartoon of the week (except for my Sunday cartoon, which will appear in the next post) is about good ole Fred Flintstone, who used to stop his car by dragging his feet. Woe was he.

Until tomorrow, stay crunchy, Jazz Pickles.