Future Flight

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Bizarro is brought to you today The Future!

Welcome to 2014, Jazz Pickles, and welcome to the future. Yes, it is here. No matter where you live on this tiny blue planet, in front of your place of residence right now is a flying car, which I have had placed there for each and every one of my Jazz Pickles at great expense to myself. That’s just how much I care. (more…)

Oscar Turd Sex Feet Cheating Bra

Bizarro is brought to you today by the Academy Awards.

It’s been a lovely week here in Southern California, which is the biggest reason I live here. Sunny, 70+ degree weather in February is a drug you can’t buy from your local dealer. At least not that I’ve been able to find.

We start this week’s roundup with the cartoon I published the day after the Academy Awards. I wonder how many winners over the years have gotten so drunk at the after-parties that they ended up misplacing their statue. If anyone has heard a story about this, please share. (more…)

Traitor Crowded Dragster

Bizarro is brought to you today by Cannibals.

This cartoon is an offshoot of a feeling I’ve had since I was a child, some 30 years before I became vegan. Why would an animal want to advertise its own murder and consumption? Long before I thought it was wrong to eat animals, when I was still under 10 years old, I wondered why a happy pig would be on a sign for a BBQ restaurant. It just seemed wrong somehow. So here is a cartoon that took 40 years gestate. (more…)

Patch Reptile Flea Crow Funeral Hotel Marriage

(For a largerized version of this cartoon, click on any eye patch.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Organic Hairdo.

Someone has been too busy this week to post on his blog. Someone is sorry. Someone is making up for it by posting all of the cartoons from this week. Someone hopes you enjoy them. (more…)

Tweeting Feet Drag Parrot

Bizarro is brought to you today by Crack Repair.

When I was a kid, I always watched the Olympics and dreamed of one day competing in them. I’ve always been a pretty good athlete and was the fastest runner of anyone I knew, so I figured if I just kept practicing, someday I’d have a gold medal. Life isn’t that simple, of course, and as I got older, I became distracted by other endeavors that I found more satisfying like art, music, theater, girls, beer. I doubt I’ll even have time this year to watch much of the Olympics but so be it. The synchronized tweeting event is kind of dull anyway. (more…)

Thief Boobs Puppet

Bizarro is brought to you today by Career Opportunities.

When did criminals stop wearing those cute little taxi-driver caps, a Lone Ranger mask and a striped, long-sleeved T-shirt? Probably around the time banks stopped printing dollar signs on the sides of their money bags, but if I was going to commit a crime, I would definitely dress that way because people would never guess you were actually a criminal. They’d just think you were going to a costume party or something. Furthermore, if I was in jail and relegated to wearing one of those bright orange jumpsuits that say “PRISONER” or whatever across the back, I’d only escape on Halloween night. You could saunter down the street, even stop and chat with cops, and nobody would suspect a thing. A Halloween parade would be an excellent getaway vehicle. Also for a murderer covered with blood and carrying a chainsaw. (more…)

Toll Phone Super Tramp

Bizarro is brought to you today by Pickup Artist.

It’s funny how men just buy stuff for women they find attractive. CHNW will be standing at a lunch counter waiting for a take-out order, which usually includes lunch for me, her husband, and she’ll strike up a conversation with some guy standing there waiting for his food, too, and when her bill comes, he’ll pay for it. She says, “thanks,” gathers her food and comes home. And of course, she never has to pay for a drink in a bar if she doesn’t want to. I guess I should send her car shopping sometime and see if she can score a new BMW. This doesn’t happen to men so I’ve no idea what it must be like. And I’ve never tried this approach on women myself, so I don’t know if it ever pays off. Perhaps there are women who will sleep with a stranger because he bought them something. I don’t think I’d be interested in a woman like that. I want a woman who is attracted to me for my thrift. (more…)