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Spoiled Elf Pizza Quadruped Roadway


Bizarro is brought to you today by Holiday Hangover.

I know that nobody is interested in Xmas anymore but I’ve been remiss in posting on this blog for the past week so I’m getting you caught up on what I’ve been up to in the cartoon wonderland in which I live.

If you’re like me (not a millionaire who buys cars for people on holidays) you’re likely very tired of the car commercials that encourage you to buy automobiles as gifts. If I saw a new Mercedes with a giant bow on it in the driveway of one of my neighbors on Xmas morning, I might take hostages. Or, at the very least, throw a couple of gift-wrapped bricks through the windows.


My original caption for this cartoon about Santa’s elves was not very funny and had an unfortunate reference to elves not getting the chance to grow up. Because of the pre-Xmas school shooting in Connecticut, my editors and I decided it was insensitive to publish it so my special lady friend and I came up with this new caption. I’m not against Barbie dolls per se, but am somewhat sympathetic to the concept that these dolls give little girls impossible (and impossibly shallow) standards of womanhood. In spite of the fact that I am condoning that notion with this cartoon, I got an angry email from a woman who felt I had been naughty:

“I find your cartoon of December 26 2012 very offensive, in a time when many young girls have body image issues which lead to both bouts of suicidal thoughts along with suicidal actions, I feel that this cartoon was done in poor taste. “

Can’t win them all.



This next cartoon has nothing to do with the holidays––thank god––but is instead about the infernal frustration one feels when trapped in the same house with someone for too many years. My prescription for long, exciting love affairs with minimum friction is separate residences. Works wonders.









Hey! Look at this crazy dancer!



What the…?





My good friend and known associate, Wayno of Pittsburgh, concocted this view of a highway sign. I scheduled it for this week because it seems like a good time of the year to examine one’s existence.  As usual, he has some interesting things to say about this effort here.

That concludes today’s posting. Please check out my next post, which will have the last Sunday Bizarro Comic of 2012 PLUS my year in review!

Xmas comiX

‘Twas the night before Christmas and I was too lazy to type out “it was.”

For your holiday amusement, I present today’s cartoon PLUS a few of my favorite Bizarro cartoons from past years. Feel free to copy, save, forward, post, etc. Have a happy and prosperous whatever you’re having, Jazz Pickles.
























Santa Ruminant Heathen Odorless Maneuver Amputee Webcam

(To see this cartoon as big as the star over the nativity scene, click the ball on Santa’s hat.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Christmas Kidnapping.

The bizarre and convoluted imagery of modern-day Christmas has fascinated me since I was old enough to notice it. (Sometime in my teens.) I’ve since learned that there are many and various ancient myths and holidays that were incorporated into it over the centuries, including the virgin birth (the birth of heroes to virgins, often with some kind of god as the father, are common in many pre-Christian mythologies), the king born of poverty (another common mythological element and likely the reason that to this day, Americans like to vote for a “down home” candidate for president, the sort you’d want to “have a beer with”), the Christmas tree, (a pagan symbol of the winter solstice), and Santa Claus (derived from the pre-Christian, Germanic god, Odin, who flew through the skies giving gifts at Yule [Dec 25] on an eight-legged horse, later morphed into eight reindeer.) Anyway, for the past couple of Christmases, I’ve had some fun combining modern elements of the holiday with the original nativity scene of Christian mythology. Here’s last year’s, in case you’ve forgotten.

To demonstrate that I am an equal-opportunity lampooner, here’s another favorite Xmas gag from a few years back, making fun of my own kind.

At a Xmas comedy show a few years back, I sang some “atheist Christmas carols” by taking standards and changing the words to reflect an atheist’s views. Here’s a sample of one sung to the tune of “Hark, the Herald Angels Sing:”

Hark! the herald mythological creatures sing, glory to the newborn average baby. Peace on earth and mercy mild, no one and everyone reconciled.

I got very few laughs, but I thought it was funny. It is my opinion that humans are so naturally superstitious that even most non-believers feel nervous about laughing at irreverent religious humor. I’ve noticed this time and time again with audiences when doing these kinds of jokes in my stand-up act; I can actually see many people doing their best to stifle a smile. It is completely understandable, though––early childhood indoctrination is a very difficult thing to overcome; it certainly was for me. It’s hard not to think, but what if there really is a god? I certainly don’t want to piss him off. I’m happy to report, however, that not a single venue I’ve performed in has been hit by lightening or plague. At least not while I was still there. 

To finish out this post, let’s catch you up on the week. Here are the ‘toons that ran in papers in the past few days.











Hope you all have a Jazz Pickle holiday season, whatever the hell that is. Best wishes for whatever you’re celebrating for whatever reason!


P.S. If you missed the announcement about my upcoming TV show, check out my previous post. Here’s the direct link!


Mao Dummy Alien Cat Pee God Santa Nixon Crook


(To see this cartoon as big as China, click on Mao’s third button.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Hover Cats.

I’ve been away for a while visiting my hometown of Tulsa, Oklahoma. I was asked to deliver the commencement address at their midterm graduation and had a ball doing it. As many times as I have spoken and performed in public, I was pretty nervous. Big crowd, lots of big brains, funny outfits, a giant basketball scoreboard with a live video feed of me talking hanging over the center of the room right in front of me. To top it all off, I couldn’t see my notes so I had to mostly wing it. I guess it went okay.

I love this Mao joke, which was the idea of my colleague, Dan McConnell. Some folks won’t get it so here’s the quick summary explanation: Mao had a Little Red Book that everyone in China was “encouraged” to read. The punch line of this cartoon is the cover of the book, which says “LMAO,” which, if you’re over a certain age, you might not know is a common text abbreviation for “laughed my ass off.” Instead of just featuring Mao with the book, I decided to go hog-ass wild and create an entire propaganda poster. It was a daunting undertaking but I had a ton of fun creating it. I’ve always loved those posters; here is the one I mostly based this one on.

Lots of people wrote to me to say they liked this crash test dummy gag. Crash test dummies are a perpetually rich vein of humor. I’ve got another good one coming up on Sunday, January 13. Here’s one I did in ’07.






Up next is a Martian playing fetch with the Mars rover. That sucker is a pain to draw, I can tell you. The strangest thing about this cartoon is that apparently both the Martian and the rover speak English. Veteran Jazz Pickles will notice that the Martian looks a bit like the alien I drop into the background of my cartoons. (See the upper left corner of the crash test dummy cartoon above.)



And now a cat joke about the legendary nine lives of cats. Cute gag, but nothing much to say about it other than that I think I did a good job with the expressions and body language of the cats. I try to put a lot into this kind of detail with the blind faith that there are readers out there who notice and appreciate things like that.




This “Exit Poll” gag is a favorite of mine. I love the dry aspect of the humor and also the odd fact that if the man’s response had been “Number two,” it likely would have been refused by some of my client newspapers. People are funny. Incidentally, I’m not a big fan of “potty” humor but this one makes me chuckle.

My next gag, featuring James Cromwell as god, is from my good friend and known associate, Wayno of Pittsburgh. I love this gag because it cleverly lampoons the fact that so many people attribute their successes and aspirations to divine intervention. When I hear a football player or a Grammy winner thank god for their victory I always wonder if the losers in the same contest were not smart enough to pray for a win, or if god just didn’t like them as well as the one who won. The most absurd application of this phenomenon is politicians who claim god told them to run for office. Those candidates virtually never win (because most voters sense they are delusional) which means one of two things: there is no god, or god convinced them to run for office to give them a dose of much needed humility.

When I submitted this cartoon about Craig Newmark, the founder of Craigslist, there was some question among the editors at King Features if any of my client newspapers would reject it because of the word “crap.” Yes, some Americans can be that childish sometimes. I am happy to report, however, that none did and we didn’t hear a peep of complaint. I love (idiotic) hate mail so I was a little disappointed but I did find it encouraging.

My penultimate gag of this Komedy Kartoon Kavalcade is this dandy little scene of two turkeys talking in heaven. If you’re not familiar with the U.S. tradition of our president pardoning a turkey each Thanksgiving (started by Abraham Lincoln), you will have been mystified by this gag. And if you don’t remember your U.S. history, Richard Nixon was very famously pardoned by incoming sock-puppet president, Gerald Ford, after he was forced to resign from office because of criminal activity. Richard Nixon is also famous for being one of the most easily caricatured persons in the history of the human race. Still, I’m proud of the caricature I created since it’s not something I’ve practiced much.

Lastly, another cartoon collaboration with Wayno. I thought this joke was fun because I have a striped shirt like this that I wear fairly often. I’m not a pirate, Frenchman, burglar, or mime, but it is a replica of a shirt that Pablo Picasso was fond of wearing, so I wear it when I want to pretend I’m him. Here is what Wayno has to say about it.

That’s it for now. I’ve enjoyed spending these few minutes with you. Also, I like what you’ve done with your hair.

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