Big Serpent Crash

bz panel 05-19-14bz strip 05-19-14bz panel 05-20-14bz strip 05-20-14Bizarro is brought to you today by The Last Delicious Thing You’ll Ever Eat.

 

I’m not a fan of people who abuse those in the service industry. As soon as I see someone being rude to a waitperson or counter clerk (unless that person was a jackass first) I write them off as insecure and of low moral standards. If you are that person, I hope the Head Waiter is right behind you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today’s cartoon is an amusing take on roadsigns and snakes, as you can see. If you don’t get this one, it is probably because you have never been on a road and/or never heard of a snake and are not familiar with their properties. I chose the name Brandon for this cartoon because I do not know even one person named Brandon. Not even my girlfriend, Olive Oyl’s, nephew whose name is Barney or Brett or Benson. Something like that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PREHISTARROS: This delectable deli slice comes from 2001 and is also about children and their god-awful ways. bz 04-05-01 dummiesWEBThey’re lucky they’re cute, that’s all I can say.

Hissing Bliss

Bz panel 07-03-13bz strip 07-03-13Bizarro is brought to you today by Handsome Homemade Towels.

Here is J.C.Duffy’s (Fusco Brothers, New Yorker) third cartoon of the week. If you missed my previous two posts then you may not know that a few weeks back I took a vacation and J.C. filled in for me. He did the work I was supposed to submit that week, which is just now running in newspapers, so I’m not actually on vacation now; in case you were thinking of robbing my house. (Okay, my nest hanging on the side of a building in downtown L.A.)

One of my most faithful Jazz Pickles requested that I post old Bizarros on these pages along with Duffy’s work, so here’s one from 2002 that I like. If you’ve ever had a job of any kind for any reason, you will likely relate to this gag. bz 01-09-02 job

Feline Herp Loser Wrinkles

Bizarro is brought to you today by Runaway Wiener.

I got a question or two about about this cat/dog cartoon. One person wondered if the gag was that the woman is seeing a cat doctor. People who live with cats, however, will likely immediately understand that this is a depiction of a cat who is so pompous that he only sees his caregiver by appointment. Hahahahahahahahaha. (I’ve lived with many cats.)

 

I heard from another regular reader who didn’t understand this mime cartoon. If you are in this category, you are likely thinking too hard. The simple reasoning here is that a mime needs arms and legs to mime. Snakes do not possess these otherwise common appendages. Hahahahahaha. (I have never lived with snakes but I’ve seen pictures that support this assertion.)

 

I have not heard from anyone who does not get this cartoon. If you are that person, call me immediately at 202-456-1111 and I will endeavor to enlighten you.

 

 

 

 

 

When I drew this cartoon, I had no idea there actually is a FaceLiftBook. And apparently, it’s just what I said it is in this cartoon, which I assumed was fictional. I wish FaceLiftBook had something I wanted so I could ask for a freebie in exchange for the free advertising.

Are you going to any of my upcoming comedy shows? If the answer is “no,” change that answer!

San Francisco shows.    Mill Valley show.    Portland show.

Primate Phone Snake

Bizarro is brought to you today by Herpetological Coif.

Hello, Bizarro Jazz Pickles. Today I bring you one of my favorite gags in a while, the “Planet of the Apps.” Early on, I tried to remain free from the reach of cell phones, but like most human earthlings, I failed. I was among the last in my circle of friends and relatives to get a phone (around 2001), insisting that I didn’t want to be that accessible. Once I got one, of course, I couldn’t remember how I lived without it.

When the “app” craze hit, I stayed mostly clear of those, too. I downloaded an orangutan that moves its lips when you talk so it looks like the ape is saying whatever you’re saying. That was hilariously good fun for a few days. Then I got some practical ones for things like weather and info. “Shazam” was a good acquisition because I’m always coming across songs on TV or in movies that I want to identify and I still use it all the time. Then I made the mistake of downloading “Angry Birds,” and now I’m hooked. I refuse to download any other game because I already waste too much time playing that one.  That’s why I included the ape with the hat and glasses above. I’m so ashamed.

Another cartoon about cell phones is this one which requires the reader to do a little bit of “thought acting.” To understand the gag, you have to read the lines two different ways: the first one is spoken calmly as if the person’s voice at the other end is not coming through clearly, the second line is in disbelief because the person at the other end of the conversation is breaking up their relationship with Mr. Green Jacket. This does, indeed, show the power of punctuation. I’m guessing italics are not really considered punctuation, but it plays an important role in getting the gag, too. This is the kind of cartoon that usually attracts an email or two from an English teacher saying that they used the cartoon in class. I’m always happy to hear that. It’s SO much better than hearing from a mad scientist who tells me he has used one of my cartoons to destroy Metropolis. Not cool, dude.

Lastly, I offer you this photo of a Bizarro Jazz Pickle named Louise. She is a python and has appeared on this blog before. In this photo she is using my new book, “Bizarro Heroes” to distract herself as she sheds. Yet another use for this fine comic art product that makes the perfect gift for anyone you can think of for any reason. Louise found out about it here.

Ever wonder what someone who is not a Bizarro Jazz Pickle is called? The answer.