Coincidental Comedy

(For an embiggenation experience, click any object without corners in any image.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Tray of Voyeurs.

We had a busy week at Rancho Bizarro. As I mentioned in last week’s post, we adopted a Mexican street dog as a companion to our dog, Jemima, whom we brought down here to Mexico from what used to be the United States. The new dog is four months old and is recovering from a broken leg which she sustained from an unsuccessful encounter with an automobile while she was still on the streets. Today’s cartoon is about a dog in a cone collar because of an injury to its rear hip area, which is exactly where our dog’s stitches are (from the surgery that inserted a metal pin) and what’s notable about that is that I wrote and drew this cartoon four weeks ago, before I knew of our new dog’s existence. Spooky? Only if you’re prone to reading coincidences as messages from another dimension. Still, it’s kind of funny.

Here is a shot of new dog being super cute, and here is a picture of new and old dog together, attempting to chew each other’s faces off in a good natured way. They love this game and neither of them seems to get hurt.

Her full name is Monita Chichita but we’ll mostly call her Monita, which we kind of made up. “Mono” is the Spanish word for “monkey,” and by our our gringo logic, adding an “ita” to the end both feminizes it and means she is little, so we think it means “little monkey girl”. “Chichita” is a word we found on a list of dirty words that our Spanish teacher gave us that supposedly means “small boobs”. (I know that’s not all that dirty, but a lot of the other words on the list are filthy. FYI: If you want to say “big boobs,” it is “chichota” according to the smut list.)

I mentioned recently that I like ventriloquism gags and here is another one.

Surprisingly, this cartoon only garnered one complaint from a vegan/animal rights type person. I’m a fan of the artisanal movement toward hand-made goods but, like all trends, there are those who will take it too far and make it seem ridiculous. That was the primary motivation behind this cartoon.

The other thought here is that most of us modern folks in places like America have completely lost touch with where animal products come from and exactly what sights, sounds, and smells that entails. A hot dog stand like this one would likely get fewer customers but it shouldn’t. If you’re comfortable with where your animal food comes from and what that actually means, why turn a blind eye to the process? And if you’re not comfortable with it, perhaps it is time to change your habits. Unlike some of my posts from the past, I’m not advocating for either meat-eaters or vegetarians, I’m just saying facing the truth when making these kinds of lifestyle choices is probably a good thing.

One of the things I like about Mexico is that life isn’t sanitized and deodorized for the consumer’s comfort. Life here is a bit grisly and in your face. That feels more honest and gratifying to me than the mindless superstore, shopping mall culture of the U.S.

Some cats are so cranky.

I truly enjoyed the whole Trump-has-tiny-hands storyline that happened last summer when it was still unthinkable that such an unstable, insufferable clown could become president of the most powerful country in the world. It’s not as funny now, of course. In case you’re unaware, this story started way back in the late 1900s when a reporter (I think it was from Spy magazine?) said Trump had small hands, and then Trump spent the next many years trying to negate and disprove the comment every chance he got. Because nothing says “confidence in one’s manhood” like whining and pleading your case in the face of a childish, schoolyard accusation. When it came up again in the primaries last year, he spent waaaaaaaaaay too much time disputing it again. Trump’s lack of dignity and confidence about virtually everything is befitting a chair-throwing guest on a Jerry Springer episode.

The reason the hand thing makes him so uncomfortable, of course, is that small hands are supposed to be an indication that a person has a small penis. The fact that this childish, middle-school-gym-class discussion was even part of the presidential campaign was absurd and insulting to anyone with an I.Q. high enough to write their own name without silently mouthing the letters, but still it persisted.

And now he has the nuclear codes. Let’s hope a foreign leader doesn’t insinuate his wing-wang might be bigger than Trump’s or we might all be vaporized.

Even more childish than the Cheeto Mussolini’s obsession with his weiner is his habit of calling any journalism that contradicts his egomania, “fake news”.

On a more amusing note but still the same topic of America’s despicable political reality, Olive Oyl and I went into the town center today (called the “Jardin” here) to see what the local Mexicans were up to for Easter, which is a big deal lin Latin America. We’ve seen some religious processions and such this week, but today’s event was among the strangest I’ve ever encountered. Check out the links below as I explain it.

Apparently, the locals have a tradition of hanging effigies of people (real or fictional) that they believe have wronged them––the devil, historical or political characters––in the Jardin on Easter Sunday and blowing them up with explosives. (What this has to do with Easter is beyond my education or imagination.) Before it begins, there are numerous papier mâché characters hung on ropes (horizontal, like clothes lines, not vertical like a lynching) with three firecracker-type-things attached to a small hoop around their waist. They light the first one and it spews sparks, thus rotating the dummy (with the red bowtie in this pic). As the first firecracker reaches it’s end there’s a little “pop!”, then it lights the next one and it spews sparks and smoke and continues the rotation, then it pops and lights the third one, which does the same thing but ends with an ear-splittingly loud KABOOM! and the whole thing explodes into a million pieces. Then they move to the next figure. In all, there were around 20 characters today. Here’s a pretty cool devil effigy and here’s the unbelievably amazing photo of his explosion that Olive Oyl took on her iPhone. The entire extravaganza was a hoot but the best part was that the grand finale was an effigy of Donald Trump. (The sign on him says “DONALD pero no el pato” which translates to “Donald, but not the duck.”) Up until then, the crowd laughs and claps as each character is ignited and explodes but as the time wore on, the crowd began chanting “Donald! Donald!” until they finally lit him up. Here he is spinning. When he exploded, the crowd erupted for the first time in loud shouts and applause, as though the Mexican national team had just scored a goal in the World Cup. By my reckoning, the crowd was about half Mexicans and half gringos, and all of us enjoyed watching Trump disintegrate.

The macabre aspect of this exercise did not escape us, but it is a basic psychological fact that blowing off steam in this manner can be very therapeutic, and much better than going after the real politician with a noose. I believe this kind of public event has a healing effect on people and it is no secret that virtually all Mexicans and a majority of Americans despise DT. He would have had a very difficult time finding a friend in this town today.

It was so much better than an egg hunt and probably my favorite Easter ever.

Thanks for reading this far, Jazz Pickles. If you like my content and want to support me, click on one of the illustrations below and consider helping me keep this wagon rolling. All five of us here at Rancho Bizarro will appreciate it a whole big lot!


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(Enjoy the delights of embiggenation by clicking any nose within an image.)Bizarro 02-07-16 WEB

Bizarro is brought to you today by Deep Sea Jazz Pickles.

Today’s big Sunday cartoon is a history lesson wrapped in humor. Two historical facts that one must know to fully appreciate it are these: horses did not occur in the Americas before Europeans brought them, and corn did not occur in Europe until Indians smuggled it in disguised as straight, bumpy bananas wrapped in leafy husks.

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Regarding the cartoon above. English speakers often call an untidy person a “pig,” and an untidy space a “pig sty” but that’s only because pigs cover their bodies with mud to protect themselves from sun damage and insects. This is primarily due to the lack of availability of affordable clothing designed for pigs.  In truth, outside of the mud thing, pigs are quite tidy; they don’t poop in their living spaces (unlike most humans who have toilets in their homes) and they don’t cover their tables and desks with piles of papers and car keys and other forms of clutter.

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Say what you will about physicians who used to be veterinarians, they can be a very good source for an inexpensive, no-fuss vasectomy. As long as you don’t mind a few days of wearing a plastic collar.

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All I can say about the cartoon above is that if you can find a talented therapist who is also an authentic psychic, hang on to them.
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I wanted to create a cartoon that looked like it was about our cave-dwelling ancestors but was actually about modern people pretending to be cave people while on vacation. I’ve not heard of this actually happening but I cannot imagine that something like this hasn’t been marketed before. If it hasn’t, it’s only a matter of time before it is. Oh, and “Cavebnb” is a reference to a popular travel site called Airbnb. 

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I’ve often thought that Wine Spectator (which actually exists) was an odd name for a magazine so I’ve added one called Wine Participant to give it perspective. WP is for folks who like to drink wine, WS is for those who are happy to watch others drink.
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I recently attended yoga classes a few times a week for three years and always found what accomplished yogis could do (virtually always women, in my experience) to be anywhere from impressive to unnatural and gross. I envy them, however, as I believe that flexibility is an enormous key to living comfortably, especially as one gets older. But like most physical pursuits, genetics play a major part and after a few years of working pretty hard at it, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I’ll never be particularly flexible. That’s not to say that I haven’t gotten a lot of good out of yoga. I met my partner, Olive Oyl, there (who used to be able do the ponytail pose illustrated above but wears her hair shorter now so has to balance on a can of soda) and I also got my dog from there after a fellow class member had rescued her off the mean streets and was looking for someone to adopt her. She’s pretty good at yoga, too, though when company comes to the house she has a problem with “down dog” until her excitement dissipates a little.

That’s the weekly roundup of Bizarro cartoons, Jazz Pickles. If I make it until next week, I’ll do this again. Good luck!


Sea of Serious

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(And when the illustration of the escaping Israelites was clicked, the Lord embiggenated it.)

Bizarro is brought to you today by Sibling Rivalries of the Bible.
Bizarro 10-04-15 WEBEver wonder what those crazy stories in the Old Testament (or Torah) mean? Neither do I, but they are fun to do cartoons about and since it was supposed to have happened so long ago, very few people will say, “Too soon.” One might also wonder if this cartoon was created to mirror the current refugee crisis in the Middle East and Europe and the answer would be no, not directly. Pretty much any time one does a cartoon about escaping refugees, there’s going to be a group of refugees somewhere in the real world. Sadly, humans have a fairly consistent habit of treating each other horribly and keeping each other on the run.

bz panel 09-28-15In other cartoon tragedies this week, this vet was swallowed by a snake. I was somewhat inspired to this cartoon by my friend, Jan, who has a hugely big Burmese Python named Louise, who once swallowed a UPS man who came to the door and Louise had to be force fed laxatives to save him. And I swear everything about that sentence is absolutely true other than the part about the UPS man.

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Here’s a guy––let’s call him Rusty––who has decided to enter the entrepreneurial field of pigeon fast food. Business is thriving but he’s yet to turn a profit. Come to think of it, it sort of mirrors my experiences with offering my cartoons for free on the Interwebs. If you feel badly about having read my cartoons for years and never sending me anything in return, you could buy a few of these T-shirts for yourself and others. The holidays are not far off, if I recall. (Only available till Oct 14)

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If you’re completely uneducated you may never have heard of The Dark Ages. Lucky for you, I have and am now going to tell you all about them.They happened a very long time ago in Europe, most people were poor and ignorant, a small handful of powerful kings had all the money and control, and very little progress of any kind was made. Sounds not unlike the very near future of the US should Donald Trump be elected president.

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I once worked for an ad agency that was full of artists and creative types who literally never had to deal with the public. For some reason, one day the boss decided to pass a dress code requiring men to wear ties. That was pretty much the whole dress code. No requirements for women, just “men must wear ties”.  So I went to a Goodwill and bought the three largest, fattest, brightest, ugliest ties I could find and wore all three around my neck every day. Yes, I did. I’m just that edgy. No, I did not get fired but I probably should have. (The dress code was very unpopular with pretty much everyone and the boss gave it up after a few weeks.)

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I was waiting for a well-meaning reader to write to me to complain that this Shoplifting Channel cartoon was a bad influence on children but no one has. Bummer.

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When I was a child in the mid 1900s, I remember seeing a guy on a TV show, movie, or cartoon who could make his hula girl tattoo dance by flexing his muscle. Years later, it became this cartoon. If I knew anything about animation, I’d animate it.

Click here if you’d like to show your appreciation for the fine cartoons I have been providing for you for the last many decades. These are all organic cotton and ship anywhere in the world for a reasonable shipping fee.


Anime Hospital

bz panel 07-27-13bz strip 07-27-13Today’s Bizarro is brought to you by Eyes of the Beholder.

This is a simple pun with a fun visual but I’d like to go on record as saying I’m no fan of anime. If you’re not familiar with the genre, it is pronounced “an’-i-may,” and although it is the Japanese word for “animation,” it has come to represent a style of cartoons and animation that grew popular in Japan throughout the latter half of the 20th century and has spread throughout the world as a type of comic art. The characters, for the most part, all look about like the ones in this cartoon, regardless of the artist who drew them. In principle, I’m not keen on any form of art that requires the artist to follow strict guidelines and such seems to be the case with anime; if the girls don’t look like 8-year-olds dressed up like whores with huge, fried-egg eyes, it isn’t anime. To be honest, the genre reeks of pedophelia. But that’s not what this cartoon is about.

If you’re a fan of anime, I hope you take no offense to my opinions; it’s a matter of personal preferences. I admit that I know very little about the projects created within this genre because I’ve disliked the look of it so much that I’ve not acquainted myself with many examples. It is worth noting, I think, that anime characters are recognized chiefly by their gigantic, round eyes, which few Japanese possess. That’s not surprising––we often idolize what we don’t have.

If you’re a fan of pedophilia, I have no apologies.

CLASSICS CORNER: Lately, I’ve been finding “classic” Bizarro cartoons that have something to do with the theme of the current one I’m posting but I don’t have any others about anime. So here’s one about art. If you don’t get this gag, it’s likely because you don’t know who Claes Oldenburg is. Google him now and be amused by his 02-18-06 oldenburg urinal