Boarder Bums
There are myriad reasons to lock the doors of your home but virtually all of them come down to a single threat: other humans. A doorknob that requires turning is enough of an obstacle to stop virtually any other predator, except for very small ones like mosquitoes or fleas, which are almost as dangerous as other humans, but usually not.
Some would argue that a Sasquatch could use a doorknob, but that is either not true or they’re smart enough not to enter a human dwelling—otherwise, we’d have caught them on security cameras or nanny-cams by now.
Others would argue that if you see a Bigfoot in your house, you should rightly be terrified because it is most certainly a human in a furry costume, and I think we can all agree that uninvited humans in your home should not be trusted until they prove themselves worthy. For my money, a person in a Bigfoot costume in my house without permission would have to work very hard indeed to earn my trust.
But the larger point is that nothing on Earth is more dangerous than our fellow humans. And, contrary to popular belief, it isn’t a function of the world falling apart; we’ve always been this way.
Not so long ago, there were several other species of Homo in the world—some with larger brains than ours and genetically close enough to Homo sapiens to interbreed, like Neanderthals—but they all became extinct. The prevailing theory is that our species killed them. Perhaps our ancestors were trying to Make Gondwana Great Again.
Another theory posits that these other species of Homo did not die out, but instead retreated to the woods and mountains to escape the violent and self-absorbed Homo sapiens, where they later evolved thick, long fur and very large feet, and this is who we call “Bigfoot,” “Sasquatch,” “Yeti,” et al.
There is some logic to this theory: if these other species were, in fact, smarter than humans, they may well have resisted the soul-crushing trappings of “civilization” (traffic, cubicles, pop music) and remained in the wild where they’ve lived and evolved for millennia and where they had everything they needed for a satisfying, simple life. Their superior intelligence is demonstrated by the fact that they don’t have religion or politics, and therefore, no wars.
The more I contemplate this, the more tempted I am to don a Bigfoot costume and join them, which is another good reason to lock your doors. After a few months of shuffling around the woods in fake fur and big shoes, I might give in to the temptations of my former life and want to avail myself of some of the “soul-crushing trappings” of civilization like toilet paper, and break into your home to use your facilities. Like all Bigfoots, Yetis, Sasquatches, and the like, however, I’ll be very stealthy and careful not to let you know I’d dropped by.
What kind of cartoons did Wayno leave behind last week when he snuck into my house? Let’s find out…
Or eat it, then go to the chef’s house and puke it back up on his/her bed. #PukeAsALoveLanguage
As their first date was progressing, they later began to play footsie under the table and she ended up with a broken ankle.
And before you judge her for going out with this uncivilized beast, you should know that he has an I.Q. approaching 190 and belongs to no political party.
For real, though, the mid-70s had some really great weather. Of course, that was before the vast majority of scientists in the entire world made up the whole climate-change thing.
In the early to mid-20th century, armed robbers of all types routinely wore the popular novelty glasses depicted here. And, of course, this was the reason Groucho Marx was falsely arrested so many times.
This guy’s headed for an FUI if he’s not careful. #FriendsDontLetFliesFlyDrunk
ATTENTION: As I mentioned in last week’s blog post, I’m thinking of starting up my Bizarro Sunday Punnies again. Here’s an example of a previous one. If you’d like to see me illustrate a pun of yours, send me your idea in the comments section of this blog or in a PM at any of my social media accounts. It must be your original idea, not something you’ve heard before. No one will ever see your suggestion unless I decide to use it, so don’t be shy! Any kind of wordplay might work and you don’t need to have a picture in mind. Let’s see what you’ve got!
To be fair, delicious cookies melted over a keyboard could ruin your computer, too.
Something that could never ruin your computer is this week’s featured product from the Bizarro Shop, the Passive-Aggressive Hippie shirt! There’s never been a better time to be slightly political in a humorous way!
That concludes this week’s nature walk, Jazz Pickles. Thanks for tramping this far into the weeds with us. If you like what we do and that we do it for free, without ads, please consider patronizing one of our links below. We’ll thank you mightily for the rest of our days!
Until next time, be happy, be smart, be nice, and resist ignorance, fascism, and nationalism.
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