Going Viral
In the past week, the insecure, spoiled nitwit that is pretending to be president of the U.S. declared a national emergency over something he and his most adamant followers and defenders have routinely called a hoax. Now he’s declared the hoax a national emergency. Only three possibilities remain:
1) He knew it was not a hoax but lied.
2) He was stupid enough to truly believe it was a hoax in spite of the overwhelming evidence (and deaths) to the contrary.
3) It really is a hoax and he’s lying to us now.
Which is more frightening? Honestly, I’m not sure. Let’s take them one at a time:
1) What if he knew it was a real threat but lied to protect his power? This is horrific and likely the truth. But as tragic as it is, it is no surprise to those of us who could spot Trump as a narcissist and unrepentant liar from a mile away. Fortunately, that includes most voting Americans, which is why he lost the popular vote by millions, even though millions more usual voters were so certain he’d lose they didn’t bother to vote. Reasonable people all thought it was a no-brainer; Trump is so odious and has been for so many decades that the only situation in which most literate Americans would vote for him would be if the question was, “We’re running out of rations and drinkable water, who shall we toss off the lifeboat?” We were wrong, but only barely. Most people did think that and if it hadn’t been such an exactly perfect storm, he would not have snuck into the back door via the Electoral College, a dangerously antiquated idea that should have been put out of our misery years ago.
2) What if he truly believed it was a hoax meant to take down his presidency? This notion would be insanely farfetched if we were talking about any person with remotely normal intelligence or an emotional landscape that didn’t resemble a trailer from Mad Max. But we’re not. This is a guy who thinks everything in the world is happening to and because of him and him alone. Have you ever spent more than a few minutes with a toddler in the midst of the “terrible twos”? As that kid throws himself to the ground kicking and screaming, just try to convince him that the hurricane didn’t ruin his birthday party plans on purpose. And definitely keep him away from any nuclear buttons. Again, those of us who attended even 20% of our required high school history classes saw through this childish charlatan a couple of decades ago.
3) What if the pandemic is actually a hoax and Herr Drumpf is lying about it being a national emergency? Okay, that’s too stupid to even consider. Clearly the pandemic is not a hoax even though millions of people are not dropping dead yet. But if we do nothing, which the Little Orange Dicktator and Fox News have fervently and repeatedly recommended, they most certainly will.
This sucks for all of us and it’s not going away soon. I fully realize that one can’t lay blame for the existence of the pandemic on the GOP and its State Television Network, Fox News. But we can blame them for their dismissal of it and the lost lives it will lead to. Trump’s and Limbaugh’s and Fox’s wanton dishonesty in the midst of a life-threatening crisis should not be forgiven. I fervently hope this doesn’t get as bad as actual experts are warning it could, but if it does, I hope it goes a long way toward convincing a substantial part of Fox News’ audience that they are being fucked in the ass by people who are not capable of caring about them.
Lastly, I had no knowledge of the coming pandemic when I drew and submitted the above cartoon five weeks ago. But a depiction of the fall of Julius Caesar is perhaps very apropos to what is hopefully happening to the Cheeto Mussolini and his empire of cards right now. Although in the case of the Apricot Assfruit, he’s wielding the knives himself while his lackey senators look on. (And he was never remotely as qualified for leadership as Julius Caesar was.)
Let’s take a break now from the soul-crushing bullshit of recent headlines and have a few chuckles with Wayno’s week of Bizarro cartoons, shall we?
Bizarro Animal Kingdom Fact #35: Three-toed pigs can be taught to wear clothing but will refuse to use eating utensils.
They also give you a bag full of your tonsils, gall bladder, and baby teeth. They don’t mention that in the Bible, do they?
I lived in New York for ten years and even know a handful of New Yorker cartoonists personally, and I can tell you that even New Yorkers don’t understand all of the cartoons in every issue of The New Yorker. Making folks outside of New York feel inadequate is kind of a New York thing.
Bizarro Animal Kingdom Fact #36: Not only can ostriches not fly, but they also cannot play golf.
(For readers who are bothered by the number of holes in this putting green, it’s a practice green. Feel better now?)
After having chatted with Cinderella earlier that morning, she amuses herself by drawing the glass loafer she imagines her perfect man might wear.
Over on Wayno’s weekly cartoon blog, he reveals that the above cartoon was formerly his fave of the week but now another one is. Check out his much-less-wordy and much-less-depressing-and-political post, then come back and finish this one!
Bizarro Animal Kingdom Fact #37: Tiny pubs for reptiles and amphibians are so well hidden that no human has ever photographed one. (Wayno used his formidable powers of imagination to draw this scene.)
Thus marks the end of our Ides of March socially-distant celebration, Jazz Pickles. Get drunk at home alone on St. Paddy’s Day and wash your hands a lot! If you’re enjoying passing some of your self-quarantine time with our cartoons and appreciate that we do it for free, without a paywall, please cast a gaze at some of our links below. We’d be mighty appreciative.
Until next time, be smart, be nice, be happy, and resist ignorance and Trumpism.
DIEGO PIRARO FINE ART…where you can buy my paintings or prints of them from me personally!
…Daily Bizarro IN YOUR EMAIL + archive access
…Signed, numbered, limited edition prints and original Bizarro panels