Critics
I’m Dan Piraro, the creator of the Bizarro newspaper comic. Each week, I post my Sunday Bizarro comic, then a short essay, then the past week’s Monday-Saturday Bizarro comics written and drawn by my partner, Wayno. He does a weekly blog post, too, and I highly recommend it.
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Welcome to another one of our little cartoon campfire chats, Jazz Pickle. I’m talking just to you today, not to all of those other anonymous people. It’s just you and me this time.
Can I just get something off my chest about Siri for a moment? I wouldn’t say this if she was a real person but she has no feelings to hurt so I’m going to come out with it: she’s kind of stupid.
They call it “AI,” for “artificial intelligence” but I think they might ought to change it to “AS,” and I’ll leave you to guess what the “S” is for.
Full disclosure, I don’t use Siri much. Maybe she’s flawless when it comes to turning your lights on and off or answering pop culture questions, I don’t really know. As much as I hate thinking of myself as an old man who's out of touch, that’s exactly what I’m becoming, I guess.
For no practical reason I can think of, it bothers me to talk to the air in front of me and ask it to do stuff for me.
I know I’m not talking to the air, I’m talking to a machine, but it just doesn’t feel right. And the fact that it is “listening” doesn’t feel right, either. I don’t want to sound like an alarmist but what if it started telling me what to do? And if I won’t do it, it turns Britney Spears music up real loud and locks all my doors. It might not lead there but I think that as a rule, it might be better just to not go down that road.
I break that rule with my iPhone, however, when I’m creating a text because it’s faster to say a couple of sentences than to type them with my thumbs. (See? This is how it starts!) To do this efficiently, as you may know, you have to learn to speak your punctuation so that you don’t have to go back and add it by hand. So you teach yourself to say something like, “Hey comma I’m just wondering if you have contact info for Robert period Christy wants to call him period.” Then the program writes it correctly, translating your spoken “comma” and “period" into actual commas and periods. That part works pretty well but when I run into trouble is when I decide to make a recorded voice message, the kind where you talk and the recording gets sent as a text they can listen to. No matter how hard I try not to, I end up saying “comma” or “period” out of habit and sounding like an idiot.
Then as soon as I let go of the record button, it sends it without me being able to redo it. That’s just a dick move. But that’s why Siri is cruel, not stupid.
Here’s why I think Siri is stupid—she can’t seem to spell common names in a common way. I’ll say “Christy,” which in the U.S. is pretty much the most common way to spell that pretty common name, and Siri will write “Krysti,” as though she thought I was referring to a heroine in a Russian novel or something. And the the bar across the bottom of the screen that has other options to choose from will have “Crysti,” “Kristie,” and “Crysty.” It just makes me wonder who is programming this stuff. I’m guessing they didn’t grow up in Iowa.
I’ve seen common names like “Robert” receive the same treatment. Siri’ll just routinely default to “Robart” or some such nonsense. Yesterday, I said “Bonnie” and she spelled it, “Boni.” Seriously, Siri? Does she think I’m texting the pretentious guitar player of an indy band or what? (BTW: Don’t miss my spontaneous contraction of “siri will” in the first sentence of this paragraph. If I spoke it into my iPhone, Siri would likely spell it “cereal.”)
Lastly, if you’re wondering about my Sunday cartoon above, it’s a reference to the cliche reaction to some types of modern art: “My kid could do that.” To which I’d answer, do not assume that the fine art world is concerned primarily with skill.
Now it is time to enjoy the cartooning skills of my partner and amigo, Wayno, as we ogle with giggly eyes his Bizarro cartoons for the week…
“Or you can poke him with this Phillips screwdriver and turn him into the Duke of Edinburgh.”
Do they sell Nerf scalpels for kids who want to play doctor?
Where do you stand on the importance of punctuation? Where do you stand, on the importance of punctuation?
Another classic from Edgar Allan Purr.
Aww, dude. If they find out you can talk, you’ll never get out of show business!
As usual, Wayno’s blog post this week has some interesting art and music history notes. You’ll be glad you burned that .04 of a calorie to click that link!
That wraps up our bilateral attempt to earn your chuckles this week, Jazz Pickles. If you’ve enjoyed our work and appreciate that we don’t bombard you with ads or paywalls, please consider helping us keep it that way via one of the links below. It is our pleasure to amuse you and we thank you for your attention.
Until next week, keep your friends close and your clothes closer.
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