Street Closing
I’m Dan Piraro, the creator of the Bizarro newspaper comic. Each week, I post my Sunday Bizarro comic, then a short essay, then the past week’s Monday-Saturday Bizarro comics written and drawn by my partner, Wayno. He does a weekly blog post, too, and I highly recommend it.
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Hola, Pepinillos de Jazz. Thanks for being here.
Regarding this week’s Sunday comic, above, I confess I don’t go to many stores. I find myself in a shop of any kind maybe twice a month. But almost every time I do, when I want to leave, I find that they’ve closed the outdoors. Fortunately, most places have a backdoor so I can sneak out anyway.
If you’ve read many Bizarro cartoons, you know that we love the hell out of background jokes. Sometimes they’re better than the main gag. This one is chock-full of absurd products that are sadly close to those found in actual convenience stores. And so, for the convenience of your amusement, I’ve prepared some closeups for you.
The poster on the wall here could pass for America’s official slogan: Always buy more: more is more better. The United States has for decades been trying to prove that you can buy your way to happiness, but I think they’re losing that argument. Happy people don’t stockpile weapons.
One of the fine products that will definitely put you a few feet closer to happiness, however, is one of those Fragrant Vagrant lip balms. Be sure to pick up one in each odor.
Below that are the Future Dental Visit candy bars and some Gum-Free chewing substance. When you’re gum-sensitive, as so many people seem to be these days, but you still want to work your jaw like a bovine, you’ll do well to have plenty of this in your purse.
On the bottom is a fairly new product called Weasle. Company spokespersons declined to comment on whether any part of actual weasels is in the recipe.
I hope that you’ll all be voting whether sober or not. It really cannot be overstated that democracy is perilously close to being lost in the U.S. One-party minority rule is what today’s Republican Party is openly advocating. It goes without saying but I’ll say it anyway—if we don’t lock up Donald Trump and his cohorts for their attempt to overthrow the government, we can all say goodbye to rule of law in America. Attempting to overthrow the U.S. government is a crime against all 350 million people who live there. If we let it slide, it’s over. If everyone isn’t subject to the law, you’ve got authoritarianism, and not even the red-state folks who think they want that are going to like it.
“Eat now, pay later,” says the Crispy Arsenic rack banner. “Later” is a relative term but no guarantees are made about how long these crunchy treats will take to kill you. The packaging does assure you that it will be before you have a chance to eat again, however, and that it will have been worth it.
In this shot, we’ve got three delectable products for the freedom-loving consumer. Carpet Scraps are a great way to enjoy the flavor of spicy mango and give your jaw muscles a workout at the same time. They also come in “Creamy Mexican” flavor. (not shown)
The Idiot bars are always a big seller because apparently, people will believe anything these days and the packaging insinuates that you’ll be an idiot if you pass these up. It’s a brilliant marketing strategy, for sure, especially in certain areas of the country.
And we round off our cavalcade of junk food with the Self-Loathing snack. The package doesn’t say if that’s a sausage, some kind of jerky, or a dog turd in that window, but whatever it is, you have to hate yourself pretty badly to put a thing like this in your mouth.
Our final product is one almost everyone has consumed far too much of in their lifetime to complain when their insides finally start to rot. The “25% More Potable” starburst in this case means that it takes 25% longer to dissolve a quarter than it used to.
Time now to find out how long it takes to dissolve into chuckles as we embark on my able partner, Wayno’s Bizarro cartoons from the week…
The adverse aroma axiom states that any product meant to make your car smell better will have the opposite effect.
Payback for when checkers ran Chutes and Ladders out of the neighborhood.
This guy’s outfit is nothing that a pipe and an ascot can’t salvage.
Did someone say “pipe”? That reminds me that this week’s Pipe Pic on Wayno’s blog post features one of my favorite authors of all time!
And maybe you should’ve named yourself Captain Asswipe.
Don’t you just want to punch that guy?
What can be said about the ancient war between disparate decorating tools that hasn’t already been immortalized in prose and poetry alike?
That concludes our tour of the humor swamp. Thanks for sloggin through the comedy with us once again. We hope the mosquitoes left you alone. If you enjoy our work and are happy that we offer it free of ads and clickbait, please consider helping us keep it that way via one of the links below. We’ll be mighty grateful.
Until next week, enjoy this week.
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