I’m Dan Piraro, the creator of the Bizarro newspaper comic. Each week, I post my Sunday Bizarro comic, a short essay, and then the past week’s Monday-Saturday Bizarro comics written and drawn by my partner Wayno, whose weekly blog post I highly recommend.

And here’s this week’s ANSWER KEY to my Sunday comic’s Secret Symbols.

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Hello, Jazz Pickles, and welcome to the holiday season (like it or not!) 

This coming week will include the American version of Thanksgiving, followed by what is known in the U.S. as “Black Friday.”

Aptly named, it’s the day when bazillions of shoppers stuff themselves into crowded stores like sweaty clowns into a Fiat 500. Alarmingly, most people give no thought to the potential consequences of this dangerous behavior.

When too many shoppers squeeze into a store, the density of matter can become so great that the entire building may collapse into a black hole that sucks the store and all the cars in the parking lot into another dimension.  

This happened last Black Friday at a Costco in Martha’s Vineyard, and a whole slew of Walmarts across the Deep South. You haven’t heard about these incidents because of a massive left-wing media coverup conspiracy thing controlled by the Democrats. Wake up, people!

So this year, instead of mosh-pitting your way through your holiday shopping, here are some suggestions for quality Bizarro products, the purchase of which would benefit all of us at Rancho Bizarro. 

Bizarro cartoon prints: Only a serial killer of fun wouldn’t love a quality color print of a favorite Bizarro cartoon on archival paper. (Framed, matted, both, or neither.) All Bizarro cartoons are available so if you don’t see the one you want listed, email our friendly print guy Scott, and he’ll get you hooked up. There’s other fun Bizarro merch in the shop, too, so poke around!

Bizarro greeting cards: Sold singly or in collections, they have a lot for all occasions and no occasion. Snoop around.

Our own little Bizarro shop: We have a few fun and inexpensive tchotchkes that will bring a smile without pureeing your pocketbook.

My fine art prints: I rarely talk about it here, but I’ve done some fine art that doesn’t look anything like my cartoons. Prints and some original paintings are for sale here.

Cartoon prints and original Bizarro art: This place has some limited-edition, signed and numbered prints of my cartoons, and some of my original Bizarro cartoon drawings, as well. 

My beloved Olive Oyl (wife) sells prints of her mixed-media art and photos. She also sells some of the original art. Anyone on your gift list who would not be thrilled to receive a piece of her art isn’t someone you should be spending money on. Trust me.

My buddy Andrew Couch has published a book of short stories that I’ve raved about here before: The Moron at the End of This Book. If your gift recipients don’t love it, they are probably only pretending to be able to read. 

He also just released an audiobook version. You’ll love his voice; it is as silky smooth as a snake’s belly, but much less dangerous and creepy. Here’s a sample if you don’t believe me.

And if you don’t do holidays, may I suggest that a great way to commemorate not celebrating gift-obligatory holidays is to buy yourself something nice from the list above?

Whether you buy anything from us or not, we appreciate your readership and wish you the best for the holidays and beyond!

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As an early holiday gift, Wayno and I give you a week’s worth of Bizarro cartoons. We hope you’ll find a chuckle among them.

His gang hangs out under the solar panels by the freeway.

Bunited Airways is the official airline of Bizarro Industries. Their VIP lounge is called The Rabbit Hole.

It’s not quite as dramatic a statement when he puts on his jacket.

I’d like to see Thor in Hammer pants.

He didn’t have a pocket for his smokes, either.

That’s “bolted,” ma’am.

That concludes our presentation of Bright Sunday. If you thought it was better than Black Friday, please consider the links above and below for fun gifts for the people on your list who are hard to surprise! We’ll be as grateful as Tiny Tim but not quite as cloying.

… Bizarro TIP JAR One-time or repeating. Your choice!

…Signed, numbered, limited edition prints and original Bizarro panels  

King Features Subscription + archive access

COMICS KINGDOM SHOP (now with Bizarro products!)

WAYNO’S TIP JAR One-time or repeating. Your choice!