I’m Dan Piraro, the creator of the Bizarro newspaper comic. Each week, I post my Sunday Bizarro comic, a short essay, and then the past week’s Monday-Saturday Bizarro comics written and drawn by my partner Wayno, whose weekly blog post I highly recommend.

And here’s this week’s ANSWER KEY to my Sunday comic’s Secret Symbols.

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This past week, United States of Americans celebrated Thanksgiving.*

It is one of my favorite holidays because it does not include obligatory gift-giving as does almost every other holiday. It is simply a day to gather with friends and/or family and eat as much as we can stand, visit the vomitorium, and then return for seconds, thirds, and fourths. This is the one day we can do this without judgment. If we ate that way every day, people would stop inviting us over. 

I said “United States of Americans” intentionally, though no one uses that term. When describing folks from the U.S., people usually just say, “American.” But since moving to Mexico, I’ve learned there is a legitimate argument to be made against this practice.

The meaning of the name of our country is simple: some states in North America united to form a government. The name is certainly much more literal than creative. It’s like calling a country “Groups of Communities by the Ocean.” But here we are and I doubt it’s going to change anytime soon, so I guess people who are from there are “Americans.”

BUT…know what else is American? Thirty-four other countries. By that metric, anyone who is from North, South, or Central America is an American. Why does only one country get to claim that moniker? Seems kind of arrogant. Do they have the biggest army and the most money or something?

Okay, good point. Is there another more appropriate name? 

Many Mexicans call us “gringos,” and though the expats I know don’t mind it, it is seen by many Mexicans as impolite. I’m fond of how Mexicans politely refer to us in Spanish: “estadounidenses.” With an English-speaking mouth, it was difficult to pronounce at first but it sort of translates to “United Statesmen.” 

So instead of “American,” how about we call ourselves “United Statesmen?” Besides being cumbersome, that’s also a little uppity since the full name of the country to our south is Estados Unidos Méxicanos. (United Mexican States) Technically, Mexicans are also estadounidenses. 

With what we’ve been given to work with, there seems to be no logical alternative to “American.” I suppose we’re lucky we aren’t called “pilgrims,” “colonists,” or “oppressors.” 

Finally, on a related topic in the category of what things are called, how do you feel about the word “toothsome?” It is rarely used so if you’re foggy on it, it means that something tastes good. Really? Okay, sure, we use our teeth to eat but they are only showy, extraverted bones; they can’t taste food any more than our kneecaps can. We also use our lips and jaws when eating but we don’t call food “jawsome” or “lipsome.” I suggest that we abandon that word and replace it with a reference to the thing that determines whether we like the way something tastes: the tongue. Henceforth, I will refer to delicious food as “tonguesome,” and I hope you’ll join me. (It could also refer to someone to whom you are sexually attracted.) 

*I am neither blind to nor ignorant of the shameful way the U.S. has treated what’s left of the indigenous population (and all other non-whites) but I did not want to make this a political post.

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Let’s move on now to find out what one of my favorite gringos, Wayno, has done with the Bizarro cartoons for the week…

Are you old enough to remember when caller I.D. had not yet been invented, much less texting? We used to pick up the phone when it rang without having any idea who might be calling. I admit the very idea of that now horrifies me.

Who says holiday humor can’t be dark?

I self-season daily but I smoke it instead of eat it, and it isn’t sage.

I love this gag but my innate empathy for turkeys forbids me from laughing at it.

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Shoes

And my motivation for good behavior is?…

That’s a wrap, holiday fans. Thanks for hanging around until the leftovers were gone. If you like what we do and appreciate we’ve been offering it for free for years, please consider helping us keep on keeping on via one or more of the links below. We’ll love you like a rock.

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