Clan of the Bunny
I’m Dan Piraro, the creator of the Bizarro newspaper comic. Each week, I post my Sunday Bizarro comic, then a short essay, then the past week’s Monday-Saturday Bizarro comics written and drawn by my partner, Wayno whose weekly blog post I recommend highly.
Here’s the ANSWER KEY to this week’s Secret Symbols in the Sunday comic, above.—————————————————————————
Welcome Jazz Pickles, one and all. This week’s Sunday cartoon (above) is about everyone’s favorite bloodthirsty barbarians: Vikings. Accordingly, I’ll be using this post to dispel some common myths about them.
Myth one: Vikings wore horns on their helmets.
False. Even though Vikings were known to be more concerned with looking cool than a lot of other types of ruthless thieves, rapists, slavers, and murderers of the era, they did not wear horns on their helmets. Historians tell us that a Viking once did attach horns to his helmet around 970 AD, as a gag for a bachelor party, but an inebriated Eric the Red accidentally sat on it and nearly disemboweled himself. In his agony and anger, he drew his sword and beheaded the person he believed responsible, Lars the Mauve, with a single stroke. (Written accounts say it was more likely Randy the Taupe who did it, but we’ll never know for sure.) In the end, though everyone agreed the helmet looked really cool, the whole mangled buttocks thing rendered it a non-starter.
Myth two: The Minnesota Vikings actually beat the Kansas City Chiefs in Super Bowl IV in 1970, and there has been a huge, league-wide coverup since.
False: The Kansas City Chiefs won Super Bowl IV by a score of 23-7. There were tens of thousands of witnesses in the stadium, and the game was broadcast live on network television to hundreds of thousands more. There was no “referee fraud” or “shadow government” manipulating the scoreboard, no socialist plot to make Indians seem better than white Scandinavians, and no fifty-plus-year NFL coverup. You’d have to be some kind of MAGA nitwit to believe this one.
Myth three: There are more myths about Vikings.
False. The horned helmet thing and that stupid conspiracy theory about Super Bowl IV is pretty much all there is. No doubt some reader who is all into Vikings is now going to leave a list of common Viking myths in the comments, but don’t buy into it. Myth three is the most difficult one to dispel, for some reason. I guess people just want to believe in more myths.
It’s time now to see what myths and conspiracies Wayno was promulgating in this week’s Bizarro cartoons…
This cartoon promotes the myth that large rodents are not only too uncouth to use spoons properly, they’re also so stupid they will eat the actual spoon.
Another point for atheism, I guess. If there is a God, why does (He, She, It) allow dads to be persecuted for trying to spread humor and laughter?
Some of our foreign readers may not be familiar with the term “slider.” It’s a restaurant menu item that is essentially a small hamburger on a bun that is about the size of a cookie. Why they exist is unknown.
I won’t sign an NDA under any circumstances, which is what has kept me out of the NBA. That, and my lack of proficiency at basketball.
People who believe those sanitized things sold as “baby carrots” are natural probably also believe buffaloes have wings.
We hope this last gag of the week didn’t make you Sade.
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