Midnight Crush

Bizarro 05-24-15 hdrWEB Bizarro is brought to you today by Delicious Insect Vomit.

The tremendously gifted artist, Tim Biskip, once said that he is an artist so he can create things he wants to see but that don’t exist. I’ve never put it in those words but that’s the fun of cartooning, too: creating a moment that doesn’t exist in the real world but would be funny if it did. I really like this idea of Bizarro 05-24-15 WEBcombining Cinderella with Godzilla. She attacks the castle, chews on a tower, midnight strikes so she must run but the prince has already fallen in love. All he has left of her is a minivan-sized, three-toed glass slipper. So romantic.bz panel 05-18-15 bz panel 05-19-15 bz panel 05-20-15 bz panel 05-21-15 bz panel 05-22-15 bz panel 05-23-15

THE WEEK IN BIZARRO CARTOONS LOOKED LIKE THIS:

MONDAY: Up until very recently, the vast majority of people lived their entire lives without seeing a new invention. In the last couple hundred years, people might see one or two truly new things in their life. Now there are so many new things each day that you can’t keep track of them all. Once adopted, we don’t know how we lived without them. But we did. This time next week, no one will be able to imagine how people lived in a world without teleportation. “It took them hours to cross the country by plane!”

TUESDAY: What if life spontaneously erupted on the globe in your kid’s room? Would you even realize it was there before it evolved sufficiently to create a space program?

WEDNESDAY: I guess I was thinking a lot about technology and innovation when I put this batch together. I’m not sure what the practical application of an invisible wall would be, but I’m sure someone would come up with one.

THURSDAY: Here’s an unsettling idea about a man’s content. Now that I’m past fifty, I’m beginning to notice a marked settling of my own contents. I blame Sir Isaac Newton and his invention of gravity.

FRIDAY: Yes, I’m one of those people who believes that corporations are destroying America. Sure, we get plenty of cheap stuff from them that we might not have with small, individually owned businesses, but eventually they control so much of the economy that they get their fingers into politics and begin running things. What Walmart does to small towns, is what corporations are doing to the world; small businesses can’t compete with their prices so Mom and Pop lose their store and have to go to work for Walmart. From business owner to minimum wage overnight. Fox News will tell you all kinds of reasons why corporations are good but guess who programs Fox News.

SATURDAY: I’ve long enjoyed reading about anthropology and often fantasize about the simplicity of the lives of the hunter-gatherers who lived before the invention of agriculture. I think the modern idea that prehistoric life was not nearly as difficult or stressful as anthropologists and philosophers once assumed is likely correct. Oh well, no going back now. At least not willfully. A collapse of our current matrix of technology may put us there again one day, though without having been raised in that lifestyle, it will be anything but idyllic.

ANNOUNCEMENT OF INTEREST: 

Don’t forget to pop by the new Bizarro Store. You need more cool art in your life and you know it.

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Clarification

Thanks so much for all of the well wishes and sweet talk I’ve gotten from you readers regarding my retirement from the daily comics pages. It’s seriously appreciated, I assure you!

BUT, to clarify, when I said I would be moving on to other things in the “foreseeable future,” I was talking about two or three years. In the grand scope of my 30+ year career, that seems like the foreseeable future to me, but I didn’t want people thinking I meant that Bizarro would be disappearing in the next few weeks or months.

I’m happy I’ll be with you on a daily basis for a while longer. In the meantime, I’ll be working hard to build a following/clientele for my original art. I hope you’ll become one of them!

What’s in Store…

I’ve been drawing Bizarro cartoons for 30 years but I won’t be for much longer. In the foreseeable future (two or three years perhaps) I’ll be retiring from my daily grind and spending my days working on artwork without punch lines or deadlines.

To free up my time for more personal art projects, in fact, I stopped drawing my comics on actual paper three years ago and moved to working entirely digitally, so original Bizarro cartoon art that a person like you could own and proudly display on the wall of your own yurt or teepee has already stopped being produced! That makes the dwindling supply of available pieces even more valuable!

I want each and every one of my precious Jazz Pickles to have a piece of my original, hand-drawn art so I’ve created a new store where you can buy various types of art to enhance your daily living. subpage-header

If you’ve got a favorite Bizarro gag from years gone by, why not possess it for your very own? Imagine what a conversation starter a favorite gag of yours (from Bizarro) will be when it’s framed and hanging above your toilet! Here’s how to get them.

If the panels from Bizarro are more than your budget will allow at the moment, perhaps you’d be interested in one of my hand-drawn, stream-of-consciousness sketch cards. Ever wondered what kind of weird shit wafts through my mind? These images will tell you. Each one is completely unique, will never be drawn again, and is guaranteed to lead to years of contemplation about the layers of deep meanings within; even my therapist doesn’t know what to think of these images.

Are you ready for the fancy stuff? For years I’ve had a secret, double life as a painter of fine art. Now, for the first time ever, I’m offering some of my paintings for sale to anonymous members of the public at large, like you. There is currently only a very small handful of this kind of work and some of them have been hanging on my own walls at home for years! I don’t have to tell you what “rare” translates to in the world of art. Your soul and your feng shui will definitely thank you.

Finally, if you’re the sort to march boldly where others fear to wander, consider this.

I’ll be adding other things to the store in the near future––#4 in the Jazz Pickle T-shirt series is coming SOON––so keep your eyes peeled. And if you have ideas about what you’d like to see in the store, let me know!

Go to the Bizarro Store now, please.

Fear of Farm Girls

Bizarro 05-17-15 hdrWEBBizarro is brought to you today by Alex Trebek Sighting.

I made a mistake in today’s Sunday comic and I didn’t catch it until it was too late to stop it from getting into print. I’ve posted the corrected version here but the inferior one is in papers all over the world today. In the version with the screw-up, the caption reads, “Farm Bizarro 05-17-15 WEBgirls, scarecrows and tin men, oh my!” I guess I was writing it correctly, instead of mimicking the way the similar line was said in the film, with the extra “and” between “farm girls” and “scarecrows”. Arrrrggghh. I know it’s no big deal but it bugs me and I wish I’d caught it sooner. On the bright side, there are still seven secret symbols to look for, which you can find more easily by clicking the image and making it larger.

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Let’s review the rest of the cartoons from the past seven days, shall we? (I’ll take your silence as a yes.)

Monday: I once did a cartoon about a guy playing checkers with a dog, I think, so here’s someone playing Scrabble with a cat. Most of the cats I’ve lived with seem to enjoy sitting on whatever I’m working on: artwork, keyboard, sandwiches, you name it.

Tuesday: I used to see commercials on TV all the time for the Hair Club for Men but I haven’t in a while so I hope it’s still a thing people remember. I don’t watch TV commercials at all, really, so I’ve no idea if these guys still advertise. They have a website, of course, but so does everyone and everything that has ever existed since the Big Bang.

Wednesday: Olive Oyl and I moved to a neighborhood recently that has a lot of big parrots screaming through the skies. I’ve seen the small parakeet-sized ones in American cities before but these are larger and look like the ones in this cartoon. They’re descended from escaped victims of the pet industry, of course, so that’s why they inspired this cartoon.

Thursday: Yes, I know almost no one uses a telephone with a cord and receiver like the one in this picture anymore, but I couldn’t do the gag without the old-fashioned phone so let’s just pretend these guys are “retro”.

Friday: I came up with this gag because I get stopped in public often by people who think I’m Bradedict Cumberpitt (a combo of Benedict Cumberbatch and Brad Pitt.)  But seriously folks, I was actually asked about a week ago if I was Les Claypool. I knew he was a musical type affiliated with a band called Primus but I had no idea what he looked like so I Googled him just now and was quite surprised by the resemblance. Since I’ve grown a beard, I not only look a lot like him, we dress very much alike, too. I hope no one thinks I’m a fanboy. Ugh.

Saturday: I like this gag about the wildebeest. Wildebeests are one of those rare things whose name is easy to imagine the roots of. European explorer from ages ago on his first trip to Africa: “What are those wild beasts?” Other guy with him: “No idea. You get to name them.” First guy: “Let’s call them Wildebeests.” Second guy: “Okay, but I get to name those things over there and I’m not going to call them ‘Stripy Horses’.”

SPECIAL OFFER: I’m about to publicly launch a new store on this site (in a few days) but it’s already live and you can shop there now. Here’s the deal: by the time I announce the new store (midweek?) I’ll have raised my prices on Original Cartoon Art from Bizarro (cartoons from the syndicated Bizarro feature) and on the Hand-Drawn Sketch Cards.  To reward you for reading all the way to the end of this post, you can grab something at the current price before it goes up. Click on the “Store” link at the top of this page to find out what’s being offered and for how much. By Wednesday, the prices listed now will change. Everything in both of those categories is one-of-a-kind, original, hand-drawn art from my lap to yours.

Comics Censorship

I’m breaking out of my normal routine today to tell you about a blog post by one of my friends and syndicated cartoonist colleagues, Rina Piccolo. Rina draws a popular cartoon strip called “Tina’s Groove,” and, just like the rest of us whose main income comes from newspaper cartoons, is subject to the ludicrously (and I use that word literally) puritanical standards of newspaper comics. We’ve all had comics pulled from our lineup that wouldn’t even be called “edgy” in any other form of mainstream comedy because they could result in our features being cancelled in a given market. Rina describes the situation and reasons behind this phenomenon rather eloquently and it offers an interesting view into the behind-the-scenes workings of the syndicated comics world.

If you’ve ever wondered why webcomics are so funny and newspaper comics are so damned dull, read her short post.

Thanks, Rina, for articulating the kind of disappointment we’ve all felt about this.

Tina's Groove